Just when you thought you can handle this..that your days of crying and bitterness are over -- that you're going to move past this, that you knew this feeling and you know how to manage the damn emotions, that you are likely gonna experience it all over again and this time you can endure it, it's really not THAT bad, you'll get through it and this time you knew better.

Then you move forward, you keep walking, never turning, never looking back because you just want to get through this as soon as you can. Heal the damn heartache faster.....

And one of those supposedly you're OK day, just one small insignificant thought, one small damn reminder of his existence and everything come flooding back, the memories, the what if's, the freakin good times and the right now -- then like a wormhole sucking you back into this dark and painful state, you're back to this painful place, the longing, the emptiness, the helplessness -- it's not even anger which you can use to swim you out of the messy turbulence of emotions -- it's just pain and emptiness consuming you -- and you're powerless again, like a house of cards falling down --- the pain and emotion eating every bit of you and you desperately want to just shut it off -- but hey, there's no button for that -- so you're standing somewhere in the midst of this fast paced world..and you're the only one moving in slow motion...you just want to take back all the realizations and the pain, you bargain with your emotions " maybe I can stand it, maybe he'll change, maybe he'll see through me, maybe it'd be better if I stick around" -- then the other part of you says "we've been there, done that, and we still end up in this same painful place"

Every time, the pain is always worse..and feels like a huge part of me is dying and I can't even save it. Why does it feel that my mind says I am doing the right thing and yet my heart is simply shattered into pieces.

Sometimes I think I am going crazy.