I wasnt married but for almost 4 yrs I was on and off again with a man I unwisely believed loved me. He professed his love but his actions werent always so convincing. But when you want to believe, you do. Id been through alot with him, and alot of pain. We finally broke up for good as he met someone he wanted to stay with. I foolishly asked if he loved her n not me and got more than I asked for. He talked about how perfect her body is and they didnt even wanna go to work or be apart and she is so nice to him and so on. It killed me because Im tall and skinny and I was nice too but we fought so much because of the things he would do like lie and women would call and all. He blamed me saying I left him alone too many times when we fought which is true but I just wanted him to miss me and maybe he would appreciate me more. I was dumb about it but I couldnt see him every day because we live 45 minutes away and she lives with him now which is perfect, I guess he got what he wanted.

The reasone I am back in hell is because it was so hard for me this devastated me and its been 2 months but when he would be mad or something at her he would text me or call and get my hopes up. I finally decided I would not wait for him or be his 2nd choice (he asked me if they were to not work out would we try again?) Gee thanks.But last week I was minding my business doing homework and he texted me at night saying no-one would ever be me or take my place and he hates me for that but will die still loving me. I didnt respond. I was smart. But yesterday he called and I got curious and asked what he wanted. He texted that he wanted to see how I was doing. I texted back that he had alot of nerve. I feel like breaking my heart then asking how Im doing is like stabbing someone and leaving them for dead then going to the hospital to ask how the person they feel. Anyway I am so lonely that I bought into it and we wound up having a text war. He wound up blaming me again for "not having with him what they have, that he wanted what they have with me. Telling me she is so nice and always wants to be with him and is affectionate (and probably highly sexual) and why couldnt I be all of that and why couldnt we get along like they do. This kills me too because she does not deal with ANYTHING I dealt with, like him wanting to run with his drug friends like he did when we were together, (he quit drugs, but smokes weed) or she doesnt have to deal with him going to see his ex like when we got together. I should have ended it in the start I know but I didnt he convinced me he was in love with me he talks a good game of shit. She has it good with him, all the things I wanted with him but didnt have.
Anyway its been 2 months since he got with her but yesterday it was like he was breaking up with me all over again. All the things he said about her and about me ripped open my wounds and now I feel like I am right back where I was then and have to start to get over it all over again. Not that I was over it but I was accepting it and even though it hurt not to hear from him it hurt even more yesterday when I did. I told him this today (I called to tell him what it did to me and to stop using me I dont think he will be calling again because she was with him when I texted him back last night and he made it seem to her like I was doing it to cause problems for them. He called me though. He just does it when he's at work.
I am so depressed now and I think this has all really damaged me emotionally, its not a joke. I dont meet people easily as it is, Im 42 and my friends have families and Im just the odd man out, so to speak. Im having a hard time because its over and I always thought we were meant to be together even if it took forever to get it right. He used to say that too. We even have the same birthday. We laughed because the two surfaces of the moon are The Maria (the dark shadowy parts you can see) and the Terrae(the white surface you can see. My name is maria and he is terry. We thought it was wierd, stupid i know. I just took it as a sign. Seems more like a curse on me now.
He gets to be happy and loved with a girl that is crazy about him and that he is attracted to (perfect body) and they never fight, and I tried to have that for four years and I wound up alone, feeling ugly and a scrawny body, and sad, with few chances to meet anybody I would want like I did him. This is a pity party I guess but I am right back in hell and I dont know what to do. I try so hard, I started trying to work out to build muscle gain on my legs and flat butt. I started praying and going to mass and sitting in a local chapel for the strength to get through my days...it helped ALOT too I might add. But now my own stupidity allowed him to torture my mind and I just beg God to help me I dont know why He always had it in His plan for me to have no companion but He still does. I dont mean to question Him its just hard to understand why He allowsthings like this He sees Terrys actions but Terry has it so good and I am so unhappy. I will continue to pray, go to church and trust God I even play the spiritual radio station in my car now. Im BEGGING God to heal me Im not just brokenhearted, but Im BROKEN. I couldnt be in a relationship now even if I met someone and I never do. Men want big asses, sorry guys, not fair to generalize. Its just thats all you hear about. Because of her body I got tossed and of course she's nice, he's probably nicer to her than he was to the skinny chic.
I just dont know why if he loves her he does this to me. He wanted me to not get past him so he could call me if they didnt work. That just demeaning and cold to me, but Im the bad guy. Ive written long enough I thank anyone who took the time to read all of this God Bless you, it just helps a little to write.

Plus I need some outside thought because my thought are doing me more harm than good. Thank you for taking this time, it is so good of you.
I also know prayers help if you are a praying person, throw my name in there, wouldnt hurt. I'll pray for you too.