Just my opinion, but I think that you should get the divorce done now. Dragging it out over years and years isn't going to help anyone.

I remember how hard it was at first to tell people, but it won't take long for them to notice. Same with the kids. You're fooling yourself if you think that the kids don't know that something is up.

Right now it's a Family Secret. Who do you want your kids to learn about it from? You? Or at a play date. When a playmate, who overheard their parents talking, says something to your child?

Wouldn't that make you feel betrayed?

At this point you don't know what's going to happen, so you don't need to say anything concrete to the kids. Something along the lines of "Mom and Dad aren't getting along very well right now", is probably enough. We both love you, that will never change...and so on.

When my kids were that young, I used the analogy of a puppy that parents were fighting over. And I asked my kids if they thought that it was the puppy's fault? (they said no) Even if the puppy just peed on the floor? (they still said no) What if they were arguing over the money that it cost to feed the puppy? What if the puppy got sick? What if it shed on the couch? What if it bit someone? (by this point, they thought that the puppy probably had some good reasons to bite someone....) And on and on.

It became a bit of a game, and they were very defensive of the puppy. Transferring all of those concepts to themselves became automatic.

my experience was similar, and yet very different.. I found my ex cheating on me.. it took a few weeks for me to get the room to stop spinning before I could take some steps to ending our marriage..

I remember thinking the same thing.. no one knows.. and the minute the kids know EVERYONE will know, the neighbors, the school..

once my ex and I concluded divorce was eminent.. all the fight went out of us too, we amicably divorced.. in my state they have a 'fast track' divorce option for those able to amicably split everything.. we filed on Sept 30th, and the divorce was final by Oct 15th..

we opted to have a family meeting with the kids.. and told them we were getting a divorce.. a lot of questions about who would live where and when would we see dad? or mom? ... and of course a lot of tears.. I recommend having a basic parenting plan idea before sitting down with your kids..

I agree with Patti, the sooner the better.. I used to say while I was in the process.. 'like a bandaid, just get it done and over so you can heal..' its hard when you dont want the divorce, which was my case.. but then again the husband I thought I knew wasn't the same man anymore either..

I got my kids into counseling right away after we moved out.. the counselor told me that first day.. 'secrets kill families'.. if you can't be honest with your kids (at least honest to the degree that they can understand) how can you expect them to be honest with you in return? I found once I openly spoke up about my feelings on the divorce, they were more apt to talk to me freely about their questions and concerns..

every family is different.. and I truly hope your able to find the best answer for your situation.. keeping your focus on the best interests of the kids is really the best way to go.. but be sure your watching out for your own interests as well.. Divorce can be bitter.. so absolutely get some good advice from a lawyer too..

best of luck on your journey ((hugs))

I had to read this post when I saw the subject line. Then I realized your divorce experience so far is nothing like mine. We went immediately no-contact and my ex left and stayed somewhere else. However, I still avoid many of our mutual acquaintances now, even though the divorce has been final for over 7 months. It's not that they haven't heard about it, but it's the insensitive comments - bringing up the topic of my divorce in a room full of married people, bringing up the subject of my ex and what he's up to, etc. My point is, you may still be avoiding people a year from now, even if you get divorced quickly. And I say, there's nothing wrong with that, because your divorce is none of their business anyway.

I am going through a very similar situation as you right now. My husband told me less than a week ago he wants a divorce . No saving the marriage. We agreed to an amicable divorce but I didnt want divorce but I know he does.
I was considering separation to ease the divorce for my child , but a friend told me limbo is not where I want to be. That he has seen people separated for years with no divorce and that it just causes more suffering . He told me that once someone wants to leave the marriage there is no use in having hope. I hurt but the pain will be there because it's a divorce , it's extremely painful . In our case we are still living together and planning to divorce while he is here The home and then we will work toward him leaving.. He told our child the situation , we are honest with our son . It's not easy but my hope is that somehow we will work together making it as smooth as possible . The pain is there but once everyone feels the pain everyone can work toward healing. Now it is not at all easy , I will be posting my story shortly but I guess I just wanted to say what I was doing. We are going to a lawyer today . If you know the marriage is over , I think it is better not to postpone a divorce. My heart goes to you , I know your pain , I have it.

I'm sorry for your pain. I've been there and still have a lot of healing to do. What I can say is that it is very difficult to heal while still in the presence of your STBX or X. It is also very pain, at least it was for me, to have that false sense of normalcy and be in situations and interact as if everything is fine. I know I was not fine, I was in excruciating pain, so how could she act like nothing was happening?

I made the mistake of taking that mixed signal for false hope of reconciliation, and reconnected twice intimately over the course of a year, but got burned badly at the end. So, be careful if you still have strong feelings for your STBX.

Just my opinion, but I think "separating" causes similar false hope for the children and may keep both of you somewhat "stuck" or make it more difficult to heal and move on. You can lose years in limbo that way. My advice would be to either make a joint concerted effort to reconcile - both seeing a counselor or therapist, or to formally divorce, go through the pain and the whole horrible process so that you can come out the other side and begin living again. You will model how to take care of yourself and have healthy boundaries for your children, so they don't grow up thinking that "limbo" is the normal way parents interact in a relationship.

Best wishes and hugs. If you do divorce, know that the platitude that time heals is also true. It does eventually get better.

Well, I have to disagree a little with some. I am the one who wanted the divorce, was adamant and amicable but after going to counseling on my own, I am rethinking. I don't know if we will divorce or not but I do know had we separated right away, we likely would have divorced. Trying to be there for our children has slowed down my desire to end it all. Counseling definitely helped me, and I needed to be selfish. I wish you all the best!!

I seriously could have typed the first half of these nearly word for word. We are amicably divorcing as well, although I am on the other side somewhat - I am the one who is sure we need to divorce and he thinks we could make it work (10 years of his affairs tell me otherwise though). Anyway, we have two children and I'm determined to keep things amicable for their sake, but it's so strange when we're getting along, eating dinner as a family, etc. He in fact just texted me earlier today to see if I wanted to take a family vacation late next month! My main difference is that I am now willing to tell some of my semi-close friends and acquaintances, to an extent. It really relieves some of the weight you carry once it's out in the open. I haven't told too many people yet though, mainly because we haven't told the children yet (we've put it off for nearly 8 months and are hopefully breaking the news this week).

Anyway, I know exactly what you mean by the surreal quality of life at the moment. It would almost be easier if we were fighting and at each others' throats, at least then there would be a clear cut position and I'd know exactly where we stood (it'd be terrible for the kids though so obviously not going to happen). To make matters worse he won't be moving out, just moving into the spare room, so things really won't be changing much other than the technicality of us no longer being together. Let me know if you ever need to talk!

Just get on with the divorce they play mind games and just want what is best and convientant for them, They want the best of both worlds so dont give it to them, that is the best revenge move on.