Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,009 Members
100,360 Posts
1 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Breakups & Divorce Support Group

At my wit's end...

MontgomeryDad
MontgomeryDad

So, things are continuing to spiral out of control. On Saturday, at our 6 year old's soccer game, my wife thought it would be a good time to get into a loud and heated (both on her part) argument with me. I tried walking away twice, and she followed me, then yelled some more, dropped some f bombs, and had the entirety of the parents there staring at us. Final;ly, I just told her to stay away from me. What is so strange about all of this is normally I am the one who will not let something go. But, in this case, I knew we could not keep going and not have the kids eventually see what was going on. 


Yesterday, I told her, if and when one of us leaves the house, that is it for me. I will emotionally detach from her. We will not be friends, we will not confide in each other, we will be co-parents, and I will never badmouth her to the kids, and I will treat her with respect, as long as she does the same. This was met with a lot more resistance than what I was expecting. She said she will always feel close with me, always love me, and always want to be my friend. This from the person who is breaking up our family, hides things from me, lies to me, went through my private stuff after she said she wouldn't, and deleted texts from an ex-boyfriend that she now tells me she did to make me angry, and that there was never anything going on. She also says when we argue that I am being emotionally abusive, even though all I have done is let her know how I feel. How could she want to be friends wih me if I am emotionally abusive? Why would I want to be firends with someone who does all of the things she does, and relegates me to the basement because she wants her space? 


She also mentioned going to discernment counseling to see if we can get along better for the kids' sake. So, she has the gall to ask me to go to a counseling session she wants, when she refuses, literally refuses to go to a marriage counselor becuase she is scared that the counseling sessions might make her change her mind, and she doesn't want to do that right now. I told her I had no interest in discernment counseling, and that I have no interest being her friend. It would kill me to be friends with someone who I am fully in love with, and knowing I will never get that back in return. Oh, and she thinks I should be trying harder to win her back, even though she said she is out 100%. She said it shouldn't matter what she thinks, I should just keep trying if I want her back. Even after she literally yells at me when I try to do something nice. Am I going insane? Is she? 

Ugginz
Ugginz
Kid emotional games are for teens.
Prostrate thyself upon the floor before me and beg, I will say no and step on your hand

errr Naaaaa
jimthzz
jimthzz
Some spouses that cheat act irrationally and negatively when they realize that their screw up is destroying all the "good" parts o their life. Then they try to say how much they love you/it didn't happen/if it did i was your fault.

Getting emotionally abusive at your kid's soccer game was wrong on so many levels.

If I were you I'd consult with a lawyer and get a divorce from her pronto.
MontgomeryDad
MontgomeryDad
Not that easy. You have to live in separate homes for a year before you can file here. Good news is I have consulted with one of the best divorce attorneys in my state, who just so happens to be the mom of one of my childhood friends. I'm ready to go when need be, but man oh man, is she expensive.
basnime
basnime
I know about the expense part. I agree the yo-yo of emotions is God awful. Sounds like you're getting stronger everyday and she does not expect that. Keep your head up and your dignity. This is a horrible place to be.
ltwist
ltwist
When can you two physically separate? Sorry, if the answer is in another post. I would recommend you make that your main focus atm if arrangements are not already made. Yea, her conduct at the game was bad. Hang in there.
ltwist
ltwist
Oh and I do agree guilt is getting the best of her.

Btw, what is "discernment" therapy?? Never heard about that before.

Hope you feel some peace soon.
kbbcoop77
kbbcoop77
This is the def of toxic and will damage your children staying together ...you're better off getting the living arrangements settled and separate ASAP
MontgomeryDad
MontgomeryDad
Discernment therapy can be multiple things. One is if one person wants a divorce, and the other does not, the discernment therapist can help them determine how to move forward. Or, if a couple is headed for divorce, the discernment therapist can help them learn how to get along, mainly for the benefit of those with children.

Either way, I'm not going. I also told her I would not be moving out. She is looking at potentially moving out, but a little unsure if she's actually motivated to do so.
lookingforclosure
lookingforclosure
Wow, I've read a few of your posts, and can't get over how your wife's behavior is so much like my ex's - you keep an even keel while she tries to goad you into an argument, and when she can't get an angry rise out of you (to prove to herself how horrible you are) she accuses you of being emotionally abusive...and all the while you start waking up to how much emotional abuse you've been through...is that about right? Marriage counseling implies to her that she may have to admit some faults and will be expected to put forth an effort, whereas discernment counseling sounds more appealing, because she can tell the counselor she wants a divorce and would like said counselor to accept her decision and do everything you can to keep her from feeling guilty about the decision. Hang in there, keep that even keel...hope her behavior changes, but I'm afraid without some counseling, she'll stick with what she knows.
CrushedDad
CrushedDad
Guy #3 here in the same boat. She is crazy - not you. She is guilty - not you. She is unreasonable - not you. We have to hang in there for our kids but for ourselves too. My heart is with you both because I can relate 100%.
Walmer7
Walmer7
A common word now days is Mental Health. It may be possible that spouses who embrace hate and family destruction have mental issues, real medical problems? Either that or a demon has entered their soul and sadness has become their pleasure.
jojored
jojored
Sounds like she contradicts herself left and right. I bet she's panicking. Also backtracking a little on what she's said/done. What I believe is this: never trust someone who doesn't say what they mean and mean what they say - otherwise you're in for a world of hurt, confusion, and yes emotional abuse.

Good for you reamining calm while she embarassed herself at soccer. She's definately spiraling, I'd keep some distance.
MontgomeryDad
MontgomeryDad
I'd like to keep some distance, but I just can't. Actually, this morning I didn't have to come in the office, but felt it was best that I do so I wouldn't have to be around her at all today (going out with a buddy for drinks after half day at work). Tomorrow is going to be extremely awkward. The holidays in general are going to be horrifyingly sad. I'm in an extreme amount of pain, but I'm already preparing for how this is going to be when one of us moves out. Trying to be very matter of fact around her, and short, while still being respectful. This morning she was pretty cordial, but I don't even want that. I would rather she continue to be cold to me, so this can be easier and less confusing. Seriously wish I didn't love her as much as I do. It's killing me inside.
jimthzz
jimthzz
I came up with a great bumper sticker/t-shirt phrase during the divorce period, regarding my wife.

"Crazy sets the agenda"

It is impossible to rein in the irrational urges of someone cheating, so you work around it. Yes, avoidance techniques are in play.

But you have an exit plan while you do that. Do not engage with them on anything but necessary things. Segregate your finances from theirs. As much a possible get your things into a different room than theirs. Find a different place to live.

If it is not realistic to expect to have your children with you when moving (consult a lawyer on this), then make sure you stay connected in their lives.

Do not let her goad you into a fight, Do not let her seduce you into being intimate, especially if you are fighting for custody and a piece of your marital assets. She will do that as a manipulation tactic.

It will enrage her that you show her you are living honorably and without her influence. Entitled and selfish people want the world to revolve around them and to accept their outrageous behavior.

Ignore all those tactics and live large without her.
3cutiesmamaAndaFedUpWife
3cutiesmamaAndaFedUpWife
She's not out 100%. She can say it all she wants to have you chase her. She wants action from you. I think it scares the hell out if her to be alone and you chasing her assures her that if she changes her mind, you'll take her back. It's extremely manipulative and you need to leave ASAP before being pulled back in. And her bahavior at your kids game is unacceptable. Period. You shouldn't have to be humiliated like that and neither should your kids. That's just wrong.