Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My marriage of 17 years although rocky it has always felt secure to me. If you read my back stories you will know the hurt I caused him and the recent hurt he caused me. In case you don't want to here is a short version....He cheated on me off and on for fthe 17 years we have been together I spent the weekend with another man about 8 years ago thinking I could almost get revenge but I was young and realized what a mistake it was. We spent the last 8 years in what I thought was working past it we even renewed our wedding vows 3 years ago to find out this Jan he has been having an emotional and sexual affair with someone else because I have not showered him in love and affection daily.....he has not showered me in it either.
When he told me he loved someone else I told him we were over and that once I am done with school (financially I can't be on my own right now and I refuse to leave my furry babies behind) we will divorce and in the mean time since we work separate shifts we can sleep in separate rooms and not see each other. This happened for 1 week before he came to me in tears telling me he is sorry and that what he thought was love wasn't. He says that the short time we have been apart made him realize what he was losing and he wants me back. I have been listening to self help books about getting past an affair for both of us and we both have been doing everything the counselor wants us to do "homework". The last month has been amazing he is so sweet, helpful, attentive, loving more than he has been our entire relationship.
My crossroads is this: I am so afraid of the other shoe dropping, do I give 110% to our relationship and come home soon to the same thing that happened. He says he can do anything I want or need to keep us together and get us stronger than we ever have been but he needs to be the OW friend. How do I let him remain friends with her? If I tell him he can't then it makes me a hypocrite because of what I did as well as I am basically pushing him into her arms if I say no.
If I had to give you an idea of what I want out of this relationship today I would say: I want to see if we can become better, I want to be able to forgive and I have faith that I can. Am I losing a piece of my strength everytime I end an argument out of fear he will just leave, I have fear to even talk to him about my day to day feelings because it may be too much for him and he will leave. He keeps reassuring me that it is not the case and he is not going to just leave....so is my fear going to cause a bigger issue in the long run?
I am on here today because I am confused and I am hoping to get guidance or something I am not really sure. I understand that what I did was bad so please don't keep telling me that.
As for the mutual cheating, you say he's been cheating off and on for 17 years, while you cheated one weekend. If there was a cheat-o-meter (like a breathalizer), he would have broken it years ago. You seem to be consumed by the remorse of what you did, but he seems to feel that a 'sorry' is all that's needed to get forgiveness for 17 years of lying to you. You are his fall back girl, and sure he cried, he's gotta get back in your good graces, until the next little affair presents itself to him. You're the one who accepts him and his unforgivable behavior. I'm not sure why you do, but I hope you can find the strength to kick his sorry ass out, for good.
He says he"s willing to do anything to make the relationship work. Then why does he need the OW? Put that into the counselor's lap and have him/her to put that into perspective for him. It won't work. It will keep you suspicious all the time, make you feel less than and will sabatoge the relationship in the end. He needs to be a one woman man. Despite his "niceness and sweetness", you may have to ask him to make a choice. Draw your boundaries and stick to them. Dont let his loving ways fool you. Get the counselor involved. Your relationship is surely at stake here. You can do this. Be brave.