Its been a week since I walked out on my marriage and I am feeling anxious, scared, and angry. I am currently looking for a counselor or therapist so I can properly move on but I think that perhsps venting will do until that appointment is made. I just left a 7/8 year relationship with my soon to be ex. I have written about him before in this discussion board. We have been slowly declining for years since we got married. It took me alot to admit this to myself and this realization is what makes me feel here may be the best place to say it. My husband was the product of an abusive relationship. His father was abusive to his mother in their 13 year marriage and after 5 children and countless beatings she left him. He committed suicide when he thought she wouldnt come back, but my ex believed this to be an accident and not intentional. 

When we first got together, he told me this and I never forgot it. Children of abusive relationships take trauma in different ways, and I thought that he was ok.  We fell in love and moved in together after about 5 months of dating. We lived together, relatively well for the next 2 years. We got married after I found out I was pregnant with our daughter. That's when he began to change. This was our 1st child but his 5th child. I had accepted the other 4 and we all had a good family dynamic. We got married to lots of fanfare and scandal as my conservative parents and church upbringing, created numerous planning issues. I planned our wedding, through my whole first trimester, the stress affecting my enjoyment of my pregnancy.

My husband was not the best support system during my pregnancy and treated it at times like a blesssing ( rubbing my belly, kissing it, talking to our baby) and then the next like a curse( being insensitive to me constantly needing the bathroom, not attending prenatal /post natal appointments (my mother would go), and never staying in the hospital with me after she was born). The pinnacle for me when I knew it wouldnt last was when he said, I should leave the baby in the hospital when she had jaundice and they wanted to keep her. I was astonished by how cold he was in saying that. The next day when we left the hospital, he said that I shouldve stayed in the hospital, when he saw how shocked I was, he tried to clean up what he said by saying so that I could be attended to. 

He was off for a subsequent 2 out of the 7 weeks I was home. In that time he didnt participate in changings, feedings, and acted like it was an inconvienance to help me. I called my mother to help as she lived close enough to help me. My mother did everything she could including bathing me and cooking which my husband had a problem with. He was offended byher helping me, because he felt it was a poor reflection on him. After our daughter was born despite all the drama, I someday dreamed of another child. He completely attempted to dissuade me from that during and after the pregnancy. I came into this relationship with no children and accepted all of his, so this made me discouraged but I figured that with time things would change. Boy did they.

Our relationship deteriorated so badly, due in part to his ridiculous work schedule and impulsiveness. I have 2 degrees ( BA and MS) and he has 1 semester of college, so he has taken several lower paying jobs. Although I have encouraged him time and again to return even for a bachelors degree which would ensure he would get higher paying work in his field he has declined to. This has had a profound effect on our relationship as we have minimal to no time with each other. I have spoken to him about it and he kept putting it off as we'll find time or just accept that he has no time.  

This along with his attitude and personality change over time made me fall out of love with him. He is verbally, financially, mental and finally has escalated to being physically abusive. He sought ways to make me feel like I was always in the wrong. He would argue with me back and forth like a child about just about anything. I also saw that he was becoming very demanding over time. He always expected me to cater to him constantly and his hectic schedule. He would be mad at me if I didnt make his shows (he did alot of drumming) even though he knew i was with two young children. He never wanted me there to see and enjoy the shows. He justed wanted me to film him playing. he argued with me about diciplining his children, eventually I gave up on saying things to him because he dismissed everything I would say. He didn't satisfy me as a husband, I could never rely on him although he made himself very pliant for his other childrens mothers. The straw that broke the camels back was when we had an opportunity to buy a home, it was discussed, planned and encouraged until the check came. Then it suddenly became his money and he had no intention of buying unless I had half now. Despite all my changing feelings I still wanted to make things work for our daughters sake. He would call me a bitch and tell me fuck me in front of my children. He would bring up old sexual information and use it to ridicule me. He tried to keep me from seeing my friends and although I went to all his family's get togethers he never came to any of mine. I was always making up bull excuses for him, e.g. "oh hes working". 

Then he got physical. I left him after that. I came back when he would promise that it wouldnt happen again. He seemed apologetic and torn up about what had happened, so I forgave him and came back within 2 days or so. Another time he put hands on me, he kicked me out. It was so bad that my oldest stepson, who was in college at the time home visiting, had to step in and take him physically off of me. I left the next morning, but he kept blowing up my phone with apologies and his sister backed him up. She gave me tips on how to deal with his abusive behavior. I left the house for a week and then I came back, but this time when I left we had drawn out how things would be when I got back.(Crazy) I came back to no follow through on what we discussed.

This last time was the worst and I said I am not coming back but he has been persistent and pursuing me. Calling me several times a day, blaming me, then apologizing, coming by on the guise he has to see our daughter ( but using it as an excuse to check on me.) Im not coming back. I deserve better, and if that means I become a single parent Im ok with that. Little by little, each day shows me that I am more resilient but I know that the outside world after 7/8 years of being with someone is daunting. Im taking it step by step, building a good network of friends and considering resuming things I had once given up. Its going to take time but eventually I feel I will be all right. It just helps to say it.