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Are doubts and second thoughts normal?

aral2003
aral2003
I filed for divorce against my husband of 2.5 years on April 17th. I also obtained an order of protection because my husband has been physically and emotionally abusive in the past and my attorney and I feared what his reaction would be after I filed. I have been holding on strong until this past weekend. On Friday he picked up some personal belongings with the sheriff at the house. He made sure to tell me how I ripped out his heart and how it was cruel how I got an order of protection against him. This was the first time there was any communication between us since the filing date. His words have made me feel so guilty and horrible. He is an alcoholic and began getting treatment around 3 months ago, but I felt that things had been going on for too long and I feared a lifetime of misery. However over the past few days I have been second guessing my decision to file for divorce. I feel sad and lonely and I do miss the good times that occurred in between the bad ones. I feel so lost and helpless... Is it normal to second guess your decision?
stillbitterjaded
stillbitterjaded
Of COURSE it is!

No matter how crazy, insane, intense it was, that was your "normal" and any deviation from this is new, different and scary.

Welcome to the first few days of a new positive life.
gem111
gem111
I am so sorry you are going through this.
Absolutely normal to 2nd guess.
I am so very proud of you, that you got out instead of beating you down till you have no willpower to get out. You are right feeling you would have a lifetime of misery.
His words were meant to do exactly what they did. Please do not fall for his line of BS. If he REAL:LY cared about you, there would have been no need for the order of protection, no physical or emotional abuse.
Please do not let him trick you into going back.
The very best thing you could do is block him from all communication and go no contact. He will do or say anything to get you to come back, then if you go the abuse will get worse. That is the way it works with all abusers.
I wish you luck.
11Christmases
11Christmases
Your story is almost exactly like mine, except I filed after 16 years of marriage. The same thing happened, he'd come over for something, and make sure to say something to make me feel bad. Over time, this is getting better. Stay strong. I can understand doubts, especially since your AH has been in treatment, but then again, he is still showing these bad behaviors in spite of the treatment. So I think you did the right thing.
aral2003
aral2003
Well of course he is blaming me for "making this ugly" because I got an order of protection. Just like I was blamed for all of our fights. I know his behavior was unacceptable but I cant shake that small feeling that misses him and makes me sad. I dont know if I miss him or the comfort of having someone around.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It's normal to second guess and it's absolutely normal to miss someone after they're gone. There's just this habit that people do and when the relationship ends, the brain is trying to cope with all of it. It's a good thing you did what you had to, I rarely or more like hear stories of people in the relationship end up with each other for a long time if one of them is alcoholic, so good job for putting an end to it! Alcohol becomes the third party, if you know what i mean. You are correct about being in misery if you would have stayed and tolerated his behavior. My friends told me that too (my ex was an alcoholic, but according to her, she's not, and only drinking almost every night and every weekend) but I was too blinded by love that I didn't see it.
felifel
felifel
It is totally normal to miss your partner and second guess your decision, despite how horrible they might have been at times. There were obviously some good memories during the marriage and that are hard to let go. Of course it hurts to see them sad, we do care about them. Unfortunately, they made their choices. I still second guess my decision sometimes and have to continuously remind myself why I left and that I deserve better.
cab720
cab720
Ending a relationship is never easy. You did what was right for you. Especially protecting yourself from abuse. I believe I stayed in an emotionally abusive relationship with an angry alcoholic for far too long. I didn't have the courage to leave, instead I sought comfort with another woman and now I must deal with the consequences of my actions. You had the strength to get out before you got hurt any more. That is the important thing. I hope you heal quickly from all this.
dsb188
dsb188
I think it is normal to feel second thoughts but my thing is that is how the cycle of abuse keeps going. Someone does something and you want to leave than they lay the guilt trip on you and than you go back. I've done that before.

The thing is that you are better than that. Have you considered that you may of had a codependent relationship? My ex was on drugs and it was this constant cycle of me trying to cope with his behavior. Things didn't feel right if I didn't do something to help him and quite frankly it was his problem. It wasn't mine at all.

You did the right thing. You don't deserve to be hit or verbally abused. Things will get better but geuss what you are did the right thing by saying ENOUGH is ENOUGH