Its okay to vent. I call it walking around in the
Muck. Many times you need to face things
Process them then hand them over. HUGS

I do this in my present relationship at times. It is really hard to keep things in but like you I'd rather not stir the pot to much.
Good for you for at least writing about it. This does help..

I find the more detached i am becoming the
More clarity i have. I am very thankful for no
Contact it is allowing me to heal and grow.
HUGS

I think what you might learn from this is that you do have to "stir the pot", if it involves correcting a wrong done to you. Every time. Screw them if they want to treat you badly, it's not going to happen without consequences to them. I'm not saying every time you have hurt feelings, but those times when there's a breach of decency, like with the shoes. You could say in that case something like "these are casual, perfectly acceptable church appropriate shoes". Pull out another pair and say, "now THESE are FM shoes". Or just tell him how it makes your feel, (use those I phrases!!), "it makes me feel like you see me as a whore when you speak to me like that, and I don't appreciate that". We all have to be assertive when defending ourselves. Not aggressive, just assertive. If it rocks the boat and he doesn't like it, then we're on the wrong boat. Truly. That's what I've learned from stbx. I should have stood up to him the first time in 1983 when I was 21 and he "forgot" our date, and the second time, when he was 3 hours late, both times with no apology, I should have said goodbye right then. Yes, remembering these things pisses me off, but I've for the most part gotten over it (or that's what I tell myself). I'm trying to be more conscious of how I behave with other people, observe how there are users out there and to figure out how to deal with them so I'm not used anymore. We're all different, we all interact differently. How WE deal with others is how our life is defined. So, we must learn from earlier failures so we can have a better life.

Oh boy do I relate to what you are saying. I have lived my whole life doing whats best for everyone else and trying not to make waves in my relationships with men. I try to let people be who they are whether its good or bad and when its bad I try to let it go. The problem is when its bad over and over again and its never addressed resentment builds up. That resentment turns into anger and eventually turns into blowing up (usually over the stupidest of things). People then look at you and are like WTH. This has happened to me so many times I cant even count. Its why I am currently separated and probably eventually will divorce. I let him do the things he did, say the things he said, treat me the way he did for too long and he took advantage of my passiveness. I think if I had stood up for myself from the very beginning I may not have married him and not be in the situation I am in currently. Hindsight is indeed 20/20 but being too reflective can also be destructive and depressing. It is good to look back on past behaviour and if it isnt good to try to change it but dont use it to put yourself down. Everyone copes with situations in a different ways. I think sometimes letting things go that you know in your heart is wrong is a way of dealing with situations we dont want to face. People like us need to learn to voice our disapproval of things when they happen and not let them build up. People like us have to learn not to be so passive. People like us need to stay away from people who exploit our passiveness. People like us are good people and we deserve the kind of relationship that we can be who we are without fear of being taken advantage of. I dont think its possible at this point for me....maybe for you.

I need to break the habit of shutting my mouth and learn to use my voice assertively and say "listen, this is not okay, I don't appreciate being treated like this".

Typically Ezzy, I'll let the resentment build up and then the poop will hit the fan when I can't take it anymore. Not healthy, so perhaps that's what I need to learn from this.

And also, this man with his low self esteem would have continued to put me down to try and reduce my self esteem to his level.

Stay away from people who don't have self worth, because they can't truly love or value anyone else.

God forbid he had said "you look really nice".

Thanks for the insight everyone. It helps to talk it out :)

Yes I relate. I often wonder if I had reacted differently then, if I had said, if I had had more self confidence. I have a storage room full of if's.

Hang in there. I would to say I am entering the I don't give a .... phase. But I have entered the phase where the waves wash over me instead of drowning me. I am looking firward to wear I can step over these waves. It gets better keep moving forward you are magnificient!

"Stay away from people who dont have self worth, because they cant truly love of value anyone else." Clearday I think I am going to use this as my new motto. I am separated from my husband who is an alcoholic and has PTSD. "Self worth" isnt even on his radar. Although very sad, I think I am beginning to understand. Thank you Clearday.

Ezzy, I knew he'd been cheated on, I knew he was hurt and codependent me empathized and got sucked in.

Unfortunately, some of the wounded folks have no interest in being lifted higher, they're going to make sure you feel as shitty and insecure as they do.

I can't go there anymore. So I really need to find a coda meeting or something.

I am finally finding me again with my support
Groups and therapist and detaching from my
Toxic spouse. I try to keep the spot light on me
Now and its tough but well needed. HUGS

Thanks bit:)

I guess I just don't get it because with all my issues, putting down someone else's appearance or house or whatever just isn't something I get off on.

Been thinking about sending 50 lbs of elephant shit to him all morning with a card that says suck it, but that's just my way of cleaning the negative energy:)

Eh, I'm just tired of trusting and getting hurt. And I thought he would understand, having been hurt himself.

Nope.

I am so sorry clearday,
I sure hope you will be writing everything down and use it for a huge learning experience. Also in the future when something small, but disturbing and a little voice questions his behavior----That is your gut. Always listen to your gut. Always keep your eyes and ears open for red flags when starting a relationship.

Thank you guys. Some days I just can't feel grateful or positive.

Thanks for the support.

I'm with you clear I think about this some and wish I had said more than I did to my STBX like you are a total alcoholic and a controlling, non trusting basta... anyway I said a lot and did a lot better than my previous marriage, where I was just run over, but wish I had even stuck up for myself more. It seems like if you are the understanding, nice, forgiving one in the relationship you eventually get taken advantage of. That's why maybe l an just not cut out for relationships. No more for me, thanks

grateful? positive? bah humbug.. hogwash... horse manure.... grrrr.

some days I feel the same. could you tell?

Those are the days tho where I feel this certain strength inside of me to stand my ground, but at the same time, it mostly from emotions, and not so much with a level head. So for someone who doesn't want to rock the boat, (deal with confrontations), you will find yourself going from one extreme to another while you figure out how handle these situations like a pro.

Its trial and error. Its about dealing with what you need to when you need to, and knowing when to take a step back and wait when its needed. Its a fine balance, and isnt easy to maneuver eloquently without practice.

So dont beat yourself up when you have these days of feeling nothing positive or feeling grateful. For the most part, you know when its happening, you know what you need to do and now you just need to get the opportunities to invoke it.