Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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arctic5 06/08/2008

I moved out of the house 8 months ago that my husband of 20 years and I shared. The reasons that I finally left is that I decided to face the fact that I would never be happy until I was true to myself about what I wanted out of my marriage and out of my life. I have never felt bonded to him because he does not recognize the value of oneness. It is imposible to have this by oneself. I naively thought that simply loving him would make he want to learn who I am and to love and accept me. We got alone very well for the most part except for when I asked him for what I need. For example, he never listens when I speek, nor does he pick up my cues. I thought that if I communicated my needs he would be receptive. Unfortunatly, He was only interested in what I could give to him rather than what we can share. Hence, my current situation. Although I want to end this marriage, and I realize that if he wanted to change, he would have done so long ago. I find myself being ambivilant in this decision. I don't know what to do with my needs. I want his company (I don't want Him) because I am physically lonely, but I don't want the relationship because he won't change. It's a constant battle to not fall back in to that old habit where he gets his needs met while I remain emotionally alone. Can any of u relate?

deleted_user 06/08/2008

Could you be having a midlife crisis?

deleted_user 06/14/2008

My first marriage was very much like this - I felt that as long as I continued to do what I did, I could have been anyone; I felt utterly invisable. He wanted the trappings of a relationship without the effort of having to relate.

hurtinandhealin2560 06/14/2008

Hi Arctic5,

I get what you're saying. I call it spinning plates--you do everything you can to keep the marriage going and get little in return. Took me a looooooooong time to realize this. Took him cheating to finally boot him out. I realize I'm so much better off.

I understand missing the physical part of love; I miss kissing, hugs, cuddling, massages, etc. I can't really say I've solved this dilemma but I can say I'm glad the marriage is over. No more head games.

deleted_user 06/14/2008

Oh Arctic~~I can soooo relate. Simply loving him did not make him appreciate me or want to learn who I am and what I need. I tried so very hard to learn who he was, what he needed and liked over our 18 years married. I gave him his space; he went hunting and fishing whenever he pleased; I lisetned to his cues and found special gifts for special occasions. At times, I actually think him asking for a divorce was actually a Godsend. As for being physically lonely, I completely understand. We could be in the same room and yet I could feel so lonely. I am on a new path now...the ME path. I am filling my time with activities that I enjoy. I am keeping my homelife constant for myself and my two children. I am not out in the social scene really 'looking' for anyone in particular but when he does come around that corner, he is going to have to climb to the top of the tree to reach this apple (as posted in another thread). I NEED someone willing to try at keeping a realtionship together. Someone willing to talk and discuss concerns. Someone willing to take me dancing, on a picnic, to a concert at an open air gazebo--things that I enjoy--even if they really don't enjoy it. I too, in turn will do the same. It's a 50/50 relationship. Good luck in your contemplation and healing. (sorry about my rant). ~~((HUGS))~~

deleted_user 06/14/2008

I think you are me....except my delightful, selfish husband made up my mind very quickly for me when he informed me in December that he is in love with another woman, and although they are only friends (her choice - she is married, you know..) he has been in love with her for 8 years! He only told me because it was looking like she was going to divorce and he thought he had a chance with her!

You know what....it is in your best interests to GO!!! RUN!!! FAST!! This type of person will NEVER be pleased! Read books, talk to a counsellor and learn how not to be an enabler! If you learn about this (I know...I am there too!) and you learn to share your needs again, then you have a chance of finding someone who is more willing to have a balanced relationship. I have been saying that I don't want my next relationship to be another "project"!!! I don't think you want that either!

deleted_user 06/14/2008

I can relate to your being in a relationship/marriage and feeling alone in it. I have done that for about 16 years. In addition to this my husband has also left and come back so many times. He hadn't done it in recent years, but he left again just over a month ago. In recent months, I have been through a cancer scare. My surgeon told me, after abdominal surgery, that he thought right up to opening me up and looking inside my body that I had cancer. During this time, my husband dismissed cancer, offered little emotional support, and acted like it was an inconvenience. So in the months leading up to this operation, I felt like I was dealing with it all on my own. Then, following the operation, he carried on in much the same way. I had complications following the operation and ended up back in hospital after a day, then a week or so later, when my doctor removed the staples my cut (about 12" long) opened right up and consequently, I had to be restitched again. Following that, my husband planned and did "disappear" within a couple of weeks. He has since written to me wanting the split to be permanent. Since leaving he has not phoned once to even see if I was o.k.

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