Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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enough50 03/13/2015

Hi all, first time I've been here. I've been with my wife 7 years and I have been very ambivalent about the relationship for a few months now. I told her back in the fall I wasn't happy and didn't know why. We have been fighting alot since and I really feel like I want to get out of the relationship but when it comes right down to it I change my mind because I feel guilty when she says how the break up will impact her financially. She will have to move back to where she lived before which she doesn't wanna do and there are few jobs there. I've have tried to get her for 4 years to get a better job that pays more but she always refused. I feel like she just wants to do what she wants to do and that includes staying here even though we're not happy. Maybe I have to find a way to be more assertive. Its so hard to stay firm in what I feel, And I know its hard to be around her anger so its better for short term survival to just go along. I can't go to work upset or without sleep. I always cave and then regret it later. Anyone been in this type of position before? Any words of wisdom?

sadwone 03/13/2015

Dear enough.

Welcome. I must say that although I never left my spouse, my spouse left me. He was also unhappy and although I didnt want him to go...it was just a matter of time. Just as I feel it is for you. By what you have written, you sound like a very kind man and truly do not want to hurt your wife. But...you are not happy.

May I recommend counseling. This way there will be an impartial person to assist in the progression of this relationship, whether it be to continue or to terminate.

Good luck to you and hang in there!

enough50 03/13/2015

Hi there sadwone

You are right, I do not want to hurt her by being totally final, but I am hurting her by this yoyo-ing I would imagine. I can just see the pain in her face sometimes and I feel terrible. We went to a counselling before, couple years ago, and started again last week. At the session the counsellor said to me "you are very close to leaving", this was so obvious. We're seeing her again this coming week. But I feel I wanna go so that I can say "its over" and I can't try anymore, I just wanna be free from this relationship. I guess it would be crazy to think a person wouldn't hurt hearing this. I feel the grief just thinking about it, but the alternative is unhappiness and being moody. I feel the grief and I wanna be broke up so I can just imagaine the grief she must be feeling as she doesn't wanna break up. I feel responsible for how she feels.

sadbutrue 03/13/2015

My fiance dumped me for another man. She strung me along until she was sure he was the one she wanted. I was blind sided by this. I would rather she had told before hand. So I would suggest that you end it if you are truly unhappy in the relationship. You are not responsible for anyone else happiness but your own. Yeah it will hurt her and may even destroy her, but you can't go on in an unhappy relationship. I am devastated but not destroyed by the action of my fiance. I wish she had told me of her feelings instead of jumping right to the next guy. I admire you for being such a stand up guy. But you have to do what is best for you.

enough50 03/14/2015

Sadbuture- thanks for sharing your experience and sorry to hear that happened to you. It helps me get out of my own head a bit. I am not interested in anyone and have no hopes about a relationship. I just feel like I want to be alone. My spouse and I are just so different, and are unable to negotiate those differences. It always ends up the same way. I guess I'm so tired from it all. Thx all for your comments and thoughts.

mponto 03/14/2015

So sorry ,and feel your pain. I am in the same type of situation and the misery of living it is unbearable. Right now we are living separately in the same home for the sake of my daughter who wants to finish the school year before moving. My husband has shown no interest in me for the past three years and no matter how many times I have addressed it he denies it. He works seven days a week and spends any down time on the phone with his friends in another room talking about cars and sports. He feels that just being home at night is enough to sustain a relationship while I am dying of loneliness. I too am ambivalent about breaking up our marriage.It will be so hard on me and my daughter financially so I keep weighing the consequences of leaving or staying. Don't you just want someone or something to make a decision for you?

derby800 03/14/2015

someone people sting there wife or significant other hoping they will initiate the breakup and thereby making you feel less guilty

refurb 03/14/2015

Did you and your wife exchange wedding vows before God, each other, each other's family and friends?
If so, what did the vows mean to you then, where they just the words a person says on that day. or were they actual vows?

regardless of when you should have done what, what to do now is look yourself in the eye and answer whether you can honor you vows or not,
if not, then slink away now, if yes, then think of a way to lay the same thought on her, maybe she slinks away

or you guys then go all in and reconcile

marriages get sideways, even good people honoring their vows can somehow miscommunicate and misunderstand the other and get the boat sideways

(some people believe in fairy tale bullshit love ---- maybe it happens but not too much, great love relationships have ups and downs and weather some storms from within and from the outside)

be a genuine man and honor the vows made to her and you, if that ain't for her, it is on her

enough50 03/15/2015

mponto, so sorry to hear what you're going through. Sounds like you haven't been getting your needs met in the marriage for 3 years, thats a long time. How you tried couple counselling? I guess we're both ambivalent but for different reasons. I haven't been getting my needs met in the marriage either and I doubt my spouse is. We just go through the motions but there's no substance to us or something, I can't quite explain it. I do sometimes wish she would just take the initiative and say she's leaving. I do sometimes wish that would happen, but I guess its something I have to do myself. That would be taking a passive stance, and I have to be active with my own decisions. You deserve to have your needs met too you know.

enough50 03/15/2015

Refurb, thanks for your comments and opinions and for taking the time to write them out. I take my vows very seriously which is why I stuck around this long, if i didn't I would be gone already. I would have been gone after 2 months of marriage when I found out she had $200000 of credit card debt, she didn't inform me of. There are many other types of incidents like that. At the time I thought "I married this woman, I must try my best to make it work, despite mistakes". I tried my very best. Also obviously, its not all because of her or what she's done. Even taking all those things away I'm just not happy. I feel like a worn down carpet that has lost its color and vibrance. I feel I need to end it or I get much more unhappy. I know the lonilness alone will be very hard, unbearable at times but at least I'll be lonely for a real reason. I can't shrink away from the emotional pain to come, as I know it is only part of the process.

CopingJust 03/15/2015

staying because of her financial situation - which is NOT your responsibility - is only delaying the inevitable.

If she doesn't want to move she needs to get a better job. Simple.

enough50 03/15/2015

CopingJust - exactly right, thx for saying that. She has a job with less hours/pay than she would have if she had tried for a government job which I tried and tried to convince her of. She is totally qualified for but she wanted the job that gives her more freedom. That type of job would have given her benefits, pension, sick time, vacation and regular hours and better pay. She just totally refused. So i got tired and just let the issue be and said "well if thats your choice I'll accept that". Now she's in a position where she knows she can't survive here on her own. I can't help her with that now.

catdance62 03/15/2015

Sorry you are feeling pain caused by your predicament. My advice is this: don't string her along. If you want out of the relationship (which it most definitely sounds like you do), then bow out now. She will find her way eventually. You are not responsible for her feelings or how she makes her way in life. If you have children (I didn;t read where you did or not), then you will be legally responsible for them but that is all. My husband and I recently split. I was still very much in love with him but he (apparently) had not felt the same way about me for years and just strung me along because of "business reasons" he said (we have businesses together and a lot of assets). It's worse being in a relationship with someone who doesn't love you with the same intensity, than being alone. Let her go.

Aries1958 03/15/2015

Welcome to Daily Strength Online Support Groups.

It seems to me that both of you are unhappy. Counseling is a suggestion, but in your minds both of you have to want to work on the marriage. I'm sorry that you feel guilty when you want to leave because she relies on you financially. Having been on her end, my happiness was worth more than the 6 digit salary my ex-husband made. I knew in my mind that if I wanted out, I needed to do something to improve my finances. I left a early childhood teaching career to a career that pays more money. I feared that If I did not make a conscious decision to improve my finances, I would always be enslaved. If she wants to be emotionally independent, she needs to financially independent. It goes without a say that if you get divorced, that she will have to make changes in her life style. Divorce changes lives, sometimes for the better! Take care of you. If it were the other way, she would be taking care of herself.

mponto 03/15/2015

Enough 50 thanks for relating so well .It's hard to start all over again with your life and try to find a comfort zone which takes time. I too wanted this marriage to work and put all of myself into it in attempt to create a meaningful bond between us. He just can't do it and doesn't want to expend the energy on out marriage. We went to counceling three years back and he wouldn't cooperate so we had to discontinue. The councilor actually told us that she couldn't help because he didn't want to do the work and I was wasting my money.Like you I found that he was in horrendous debt and hid it from me but my kind heart wanted to help him not blame him. A marriage with no affection can destroy your very soul if you let it, and that is what is happening to me day by day. I will find my inner warrior girl and fight the destruction as I am worthy of love in it's fullest expression, as are you . Tenderness sent your way today

enough50 03/15/2015

Aries - thx for your thoughtful comments. Its great to be independent financially as it opens up more choices for you. I have encouraged her to get a job that was more in line financially with mine with great retirement pension and full benefits but she insisted on the job that gave her greatest freedom and fewest benefits. This too has been a thorn in my side, as I would be the only one with a pension, so kind of scares me for my own retirement. You are so right if it were the other way around she'd be taking care of herself.

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