Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Hello everybody. I have been racking my brain about how to live and deal with my situation. And I just cannot seem to deal with this the way I'm told I should. I've been seporated (not by choice) from my wife of 16 yrs now for 9 months. As far as I know it started because I was always wanting to spend time with her. She hinted that maybe we could see a counslor months prior but I didn't see why? Was never givin a reason for therapy either. Anyway in march I realized something was off and I asked her if we could still go to counceling. According to her it was too late. Why should she go now when I didn't seem intrested before. ( what she said) .
Long story short. We are still living together 9 months since she wanted "out", in seporate bedrooms. I stayed in the bedroom and she started out on the couch. Then she moved down stairs in the family room..then came back into the bedroom with me . Then completely moved out to the couch again. Then back to the fsmily room for a little . Then because she said it was not private enough she created a bedroom in our storage area downstairs. Yes I said storage. No framed walls no heat. No floor except concrete. This lasted for a month. Now she has my son's room next to mine . He sleeps downstairs. In my daughter's room and my daughter is in the family room. Yeah ! I know thats hard to follow. All while I'm being blamed for not caring that she is sore and hasn't had a good night's sleep since she left the bedroom.?!?!
Yes I have kept the bedroom . That may make me a bad husband but I have once this started ... convinced her to go to a counslor of her choice . She picked our pastor. Didnt want to go to him but agreed. That lasted about 4 sessions til she felt he was siding with me. Then I went to therapy my myself . Went to marriage counceling in hopes she would join. Never did. Constantly talked to her trying to work on getting her to change her mind. I have done so many other things ..I have completely exhausted all ideas.
Any way. Heres my problem. We still live together . The kids are so angry at each other. Then stress level in our home is thru the roof. We still argue. Mainly because I am not "allowed " to talk about "us". She never answers questions. She never responds to texts. She refuses to sell the house. She dosent tell me about job changes till weeks later. It has drained me of all tolerance anymore. I can't stand how our kids have become so angry about our situation. How the scream are each other and us. She is always sarcastic about how I'm so perfect and she is ruining our family. In all fairness I do blame her for destroying our family. All I want to do is go to counceling or whatever we have to do to fix this but she always shuts that down. Can this be any where's close to normal. Wont move out. Wont sell house. Filed for divorce . Wont talk to me about us. Says I made the kids so angry because I can't deal with this like a normal person. Says constantly she needs peace and I don't give that to her. . Every obmnce in a whike she trouws in that we can stay married but shes not the wife i deserve ?! I'm so damn drained snd confused.
Long story short. We are still living together 9 months since she wanted "out", in seporate bedrooms. I stayed in the bedroom and she started out on the couch. Then she moved down stairs in the family room..then came back into the bedroom with me . Then completely moved out to the couch again. Then back to the fsmily room for a little . Then because she said it was not private enough she created a bedroom in our storage area downstairs. Yes I said storage. No framed walls no heat. No floor except concrete. This lasted for a month. Now she has my son's room next to mine . He sleeps downstairs. In my daughter's room and my daughter is in the family room. Yeah ! I know thats hard to follow. All while I'm being blamed for not caring that she is sore and hasn't had a good night's sleep since she left the bedroom.?!?!
Yes I have kept the bedroom . That may make me a bad husband but I have once this started ... convinced her to go to a counslor of her choice . She picked our pastor. Didnt want to go to him but agreed. That lasted about 4 sessions til she felt he was siding with me. Then I went to therapy my myself . Went to marriage counceling in hopes she would join. Never did. Constantly talked to her trying to work on getting her to change her mind. I have done so many other things ..I have completely exhausted all ideas.
Any way. Heres my problem. We still live together . The kids are so angry at each other. Then stress level in our home is thru the roof. We still argue. Mainly because I am not "allowed " to talk about "us". She never answers questions. She never responds to texts. She refuses to sell the house. She dosent tell me about job changes till weeks later. It has drained me of all tolerance anymore. I can't stand how our kids have become so angry about our situation. How the scream are each other and us. She is always sarcastic about how I'm so perfect and she is ruining our family. In all fairness I do blame her for destroying our family. All I want to do is go to counceling or whatever we have to do to fix this but she always shuts that down. Can this be any where's close to normal. Wont move out. Wont sell house. Filed for divorce . Wont talk to me about us. Says I made the kids so angry because I can't deal with this like a normal person. Says constantly she needs peace and I don't give that to her. . Every obmnce in a whike she trouws in that we can stay married but shes not the wife i deserve ?! I'm so damn drained snd confused.
So, all I know to suggest is for you go to counseling for YOU, not for the marriage or for her. Put all of your focus on yourself. Therapy should provide you with healthy coping skills for your current situation as well as teach you some way that will help you with your relationship w/the kids. It will also help you work thru your feelings.
Ultimately, even if she told the reasons, it more than likely wouldn't help you, and it might even make things worse. This isn't really about who's the bad person here. Blame & shame are unhealthy behaviors which don't serve anyone in a positive way.
You also might want to ask the kids if they would like to see a counselor so they have someone neutral to talk to.
~healing hugs~
And whatever you do, do NOT leave. In most states it's called abandonment and it will get you in a much worse position in the divorce.
This is her choice, if she's unhappy, she should leave.
And document all of this. It's not right that she's kicked her son out of his room.
Document all of this. If this goes as far as a judge, it's clearly showing that she's not putting the children's issues first.
That said, it's better if you get a lawyer, and she gets a lawyer and you each have realistic conversations with them about the likely outcome.
Then if the two of you sit down at the kitchen table, you'll be able to come to a better decision than if you'd fight it out. The best solution will have neither of you getting a great deal, and each one potentially being able to have gotten a better deal by fighting.
In reality. Splits fought in court are often 40 (you)- 40 (her) -10 (your lawyer)- 10 (her lawyer). So sit down. You'll come out better even if you take 45, and so would she. Don't argue over the beds, or washing machines. The big things are the value of the house (if one is keeping it) and the total split.
About the house: Strongly consider not keeping it. I kept mine. And it's okay, I can afford it on my own. But it's really too big for just the three of us. If I sell, I loose commission fees and whatever repairs need to be made. It always sounds great to keep the house, but it comes with memories and baggage. Many many people go bankrupt after divorces because they can't afford the house.
In any case, do NOT leave first.
Finally the comment "not the wife I deserve" sounds like she's cheated. If it was me, I'd ask her directly. She may not tell the truth, but it may set off major alarm bells if she lies.
Some states care about cheating, many don't. In PA, it will make it much much harder for her to get alimony. (Nothing is impossible though.) Alimony (if you make more than her) is just one more card to negotiate over.
Separation is divorce hell. Living together in separation is worse.
Again consider HARD that it may be worth it to take less in settlement to have it all done and over with.
My ex and I spent around $2500 total on the divorce. We sat and agreed on the split. His lawyer wrote up the first documents, mine made suggestions for changes, his then made more suggestions for changes. And we signed it.
(I was a stay at home mom. He made all of the money. He left the house (abandonment). In PA I was entitled to 60%. In reality, I probably got a little over 53%. I conceded a good value on the house that I kept, and I allowed much money not to go through the split. I also allowed him to claim on of the kids on his taxes (IRS rules are that whoever's got physical custody claims them).
Better than all of that though. Is that 7 years later, my ex and I can talk to each other, and our kids are doing well.
I do see that she wants out of our marriage but she has givin. Me so many rediculous reasons I just can't understand. She is so confused . Everybody that knows her has see this. Except her family of course. It Hurts that her mom even won't talk to me anymore. She always supported us. At least I think she did. Always told us that. I wont leave the house. I realize no matter what occurs the house should be sold even if she wants to stay wih me. I wont be able to afford it if she gets child support. She can afford it no matter what. I just dont understand how she wo t even talk about selling. Besides she had no where to go. Neither do I but.
She does always hide for the last few years her texts . She is very flirtatious men have certainly crossed lines with her numerous times over the years. That part always made me so mad she would put herself in that situation. Our marriage valued were always in sink but something changed in her years ago. Her most used excuse when men cross a line is that I do t trust her and it's not her fault they take it the wrong way. Its not her fault they do those things. I'm talking about men kissing her. Sending pics to her. A sling for pics. Them buying drinks for her. Sending flowers to her. The only things I haven't proven is if she has had sex. After reading this I understand everybody will tell me she has definantly had an affair but I just dont thi mnk so. I guess I'm holding on to someone I once knew. She changed and didn't want to change and grow with me I guess.
As for the texts, flowers and so on, If you can get records of that...do so. It's not normal, and makes me think even more that she cheated.
Tuck that in your back pocket. Using it in a divorce makes things ugly and can drag things out for years. You don't want that. But it's possibly a card in trying to get her to negotiate.
And of course she wants you out. Because you'd have to keep paying on the house, the utilities, etc, until it's settled. That said, if it's truly miserable there, and you want out...if she forces you...it's not abandonment. BUT...it will make getting 50/50 custody more difficult.
Document everything. You'll probably need none of it. But it helps makes things clearer in your mind. It also helped make me feel like I was doing something, and helped keep me from saying and doing unwise things.
I used my DS journal to write things down. But anywhere online works well. That way she can't take or damage a journal kept in the house.
I'll say again, my ex and I get along great now. But the year the divorce was going through was hell. He and I both said some uncharacteristic nasty things to each other, not much, but we still did. Point is that even the worst of situations may turn out okay in the end, hang in there, it's a rough roller coaster ride.
As far as the kids. It's normal for kids from even the best of families to play their parents off of each other. Yours aren't normal...they're teens, and their parents are divorcing. They'll probably love and hate each of you 497 times between now and tomorrow at 8am. No matter what good or bad either of you do, they'll still both love and hate you both. Encourage them to vent to their friends or get them counseling, rather than letting them vent to either of you.
First and foremost, are your getting emotional support? Daily Strength is a great forum for sharing, but I really recommend counseling and/or a divorce support group--or maybe even some kind of 12 step program.
I am doing the same to pull me through a very sad divorce and it is helping me heal.
You have so many things on your plate that a place to breathe and express yourself as you juggle everything is so critical. Feeling drained and confused doesn't help in all the other things you need to put in order. Also, the kids are going to need extra love and attention at this time, too, and it's easier for you to give them your attention if you are taking care of you.
Many blessings for a new year with a light at the end of the tunnel, tranquility, peace, and times of laughter.
Sending you a gentle hug.