Get him into counseling!

Sounds like control issues to me. I am a big fan of walking through the pain of letting go so I can be sane. i really haved learned alot about taking care of myselft lately and I like it.

I wouldn't play games. Take the high road and keep your side of the street clean at all costs- at least then you'll have no regrets.

You mentioned that he was a good dad but had issues with childhood. I too feel I am a great dad because I lacked the great dad bonding. My parents were pretty much non affectionate to each other. I told my wife that I knew how to be a great dad because I knew what I didn't have, but as for a husband I couldn't relate because of my upbringing. Through counseling I discovered that I could always be that affectionate guy. I just needed to find it and unlock it. I would always get frustrated and angry when my wife would say you don't care you are happy with the way you are and you can't change. I was angry and frustrated cause I had feeling in me that I couldn't get out or understood why something so simple as a compliment was so hard to get out and when I did it didn't feel natural. I in no way stopped loving my wife I just needed to understand the way it should be and now she is at a point where it took to long for me that she is waviering. Help your husband, be understanding and guide him and offer suggestions. He of course needs to find it within him as well. I know its tough now, I just wish my wife would have offered me suggestions instead of saying there is nothing I can do you have to figure it out on your own.

What keeptheho said so beautifully

My best advice..."don't make someone a priority who considers you an option".
The painful truth here? Sounds like he doesn't know what the hell he wants. Issues in a marriage really need to be worked on together and his reaction was to run away. Not a very good sign...if you truly love him and want things to work, suggest couples counseling? If he's not willing to go for it...unfortunately I think there's your defining answer. I'm sorry you are going through this.

i think he is confused and you need to give him some time, he does need to work on these issues so he can move on from them. hang in there.

thanks everyone for replying.... I suggested counselling to him a couple of days after he left. He said no but he is in counselling now by himself as am I.
He has run away before almost 3 years ago he said he didn't know if he still loved me....then he went home to South Africa for a month & when he returned things went great. But then too, there were other things in his life that were pressuring him which is why I tend to lean that way this time too....
I also feel there is some control issue here because he would never stand up for himself & now he seems to like this feeling of control over me.
All I know is I feel like I will die without him....

Your not alone. I think if he really wants reconciliation then he would do anything to make it work. But if he is confused...then that is the part that I am not sure. Many people tell me to give him time..but how much time? You cant put your life on hold, because he is confused. But he needs to be willing to put some effort into it. This is a tough call. To let you know..I am in the same boat as you.

Here's my 2 cents and I hope it doesn't come across as harsh. That is not my intention but I have had experience with what I'm about to say and maybe it can save you or someone else here some future heartache. Here goes..... Don't ever tell someone something that you don't mean in hopes of getting them to do what you want, change, etc. They are likely to call your bluff.

If you sincerely meant you were accepting it is over and are ready to move on (although after a month most people are nowhere near ready to date others) then that's fine. But if you were only telling him that in hopes of getting a reaction out of him, the reaction you wanted, then you are playing with fire. It can and will backfire on you.

I don't think you are holding onto the past. It's only been a month. Most people couldn't get over the lost of a beloved pet in a month, let alone a marriage.

And, yes, he does sound very confused. If you are hoping to get back together, you might want to set some ground rules with him. Ie, no dating others. Counseling for both of you, together or separately. Agree on the amount of communication you will have (ie, limited or unlimited) agree about whether you talk about the status of the marriage on ad hoc basis or only at agreed upon times. If he is sincere about just wanting a separation he will agree to some rules about it. On the other hand, some people can't bring themselves to say they want a divorce so they try to ease into it by saying they just want a separation. Hard to know which side your husband falls down on.

Even if you can't get him into martial counseling, it would be helpful for you to go alone and sort some of this out. Hugs and good luck.

yes don't play games it will just get you hurt.it does sound like he doesn't know what he wants.but believe me don't wait till he makes up his mind.you might have too push. do what is right for you

whatever happens, I would let him know that you did not hook up with someone that night and that is not what you meant. I understand that one minute you feel sure you want a divorce and the next you feel you can't live without him. It's normal at this stage. You are going to go through a lot of changes. Try to roll with it and not feel guilty about your changing feelings.