Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
So I was dumped a little over a month ago for the 3rd time (4th if I count a mini 1.5 day breakup). This time _is_ the last time, as I would not agree to reconcile as I had the previous times when she eventually contacted me, telling me she really missed me and still loved me. This last time there was absolutely no heartache on my part. I've had enough and will not put myself through this again.
You know, as bad as it got and as ugly as the breakups were on her part (especially this last one), I still love her and care for her very deeply. However I now know it could never, ever work. While the good times were great, the bad times exposed some very ugly, scary and disturbing sides of her personality.
I'm not angry or bitter, just very, very concerned for her. Before dating we were coworkers and fairly good friends. We were two of the sharpest system analysts/software engineers in our office, often bouncing problems and solutions off each other. We were also the office pranksters, often pulling light-hearted gags on our peers. We shared smoke breaks and lunches together, went to the occassional Happy Hour and casino outing together. She taught me how to play craps by 'the book', and believe it or not by sticking to that method I was a net winner over the course of a dozen or so trips to the casino. Oh, not by much, but I was able to have fun at the casino's expense. ;)
From our very first date the chemistry was intense beyond belief. She also has a soft, tender and kind side that's incredible. Then the other side began to slowly come out. The impatient, impulsive, irritable, suspicious, anxious side. She is very much an all or nothing, black or white person with little desire or inclination to see the various shades of gray.
So last week I decided to text her, asking if she was okay and that I wasn't angry or bitter and would still like to be friends. That I would rather not have any lingering animosity between us. Her response was to unfriend and block me on Facebook. :(
As I said, I do care for her as a friend and a person. The reason I'm so concerned is because she quit her job in December without having another lined up. This is the second time in two years she's done this. The consulting firm we work for took her back once, but will absolutely not take her back again. If anyone knows anything about IT, they know with offshoring, temporary work visas and the current economy, jobs in our field are very few and far between. Her ex is also a cretin and has given her grief with child support in the past. If he decides to now, she's up the creek without a paddle or canoe!
She is also fundamentally unhappy with her life. While she always tells people she's happy and content, during the mini-breakup we had a phone conversation at 3 AM in the morning where she cried her eyes out, lamenting the fact all her relationships fail and telling me she hates her life and I was the only good thing in her life.
She didn't even mention her 11 year old triplet boys as a good thing, and on several occassions questioned whether it would be better if her ex had them. We had conversations in the past about her ex's kids from his previous marriage and how they turned out so horrible. That he was not a good father to them.
She also has problems sleeping, often waking up in the middle of the night with some worry or the other, unable to get back to sleep. Many times she would text me, and if I heard the tone on my cell phone I would call her back and let her let it all out. During the worst times she would develop lower GI problems that would last 2 or 3 days. I think it was anxiety/stress-related.
Anyway I know there's absolutely nothing I can do. She has to help herself, but right now my heart goes out to her.
Anyway, this is just an early morning ramble while I get ready for work. Right now life on my part is good. I'm finding that after this last breakup I'm just so much more relaxed, much as I was prior to dating her. I'm a fairly layed-back guy. I just don't need all that drama, suspicion, impatience and irritability brought into my life by a person I love... The one who professed to love me.
You know, as bad as it got and as ugly as the breakups were on her part (especially this last one), I still love her and care for her very deeply. However I now know it could never, ever work. While the good times were great, the bad times exposed some very ugly, scary and disturbing sides of her personality.
I'm not angry or bitter, just very, very concerned for her. Before dating we were coworkers and fairly good friends. We were two of the sharpest system analysts/software engineers in our office, often bouncing problems and solutions off each other. We were also the office pranksters, often pulling light-hearted gags on our peers. We shared smoke breaks and lunches together, went to the occassional Happy Hour and casino outing together. She taught me how to play craps by 'the book', and believe it or not by sticking to that method I was a net winner over the course of a dozen or so trips to the casino. Oh, not by much, but I was able to have fun at the casino's expense. ;)
From our very first date the chemistry was intense beyond belief. She also has a soft, tender and kind side that's incredible. Then the other side began to slowly come out. The impatient, impulsive, irritable, suspicious, anxious side. She is very much an all or nothing, black or white person with little desire or inclination to see the various shades of gray.
So last week I decided to text her, asking if she was okay and that I wasn't angry or bitter and would still like to be friends. That I would rather not have any lingering animosity between us. Her response was to unfriend and block me on Facebook. :(
As I said, I do care for her as a friend and a person. The reason I'm so concerned is because she quit her job in December without having another lined up. This is the second time in two years she's done this. The consulting firm we work for took her back once, but will absolutely not take her back again. If anyone knows anything about IT, they know with offshoring, temporary work visas and the current economy, jobs in our field are very few and far between. Her ex is also a cretin and has given her grief with child support in the past. If he decides to now, she's up the creek without a paddle or canoe!
She is also fundamentally unhappy with her life. While she always tells people she's happy and content, during the mini-breakup we had a phone conversation at 3 AM in the morning where she cried her eyes out, lamenting the fact all her relationships fail and telling me she hates her life and I was the only good thing in her life.
She didn't even mention her 11 year old triplet boys as a good thing, and on several occassions questioned whether it would be better if her ex had them. We had conversations in the past about her ex's kids from his previous marriage and how they turned out so horrible. That he was not a good father to them.
She also has problems sleeping, often waking up in the middle of the night with some worry or the other, unable to get back to sleep. Many times she would text me, and if I heard the tone on my cell phone I would call her back and let her let it all out. During the worst times she would develop lower GI problems that would last 2 or 3 days. I think it was anxiety/stress-related.
Anyway I know there's absolutely nothing I can do. She has to help herself, but right now my heart goes out to her.
Anyway, this is just an early morning ramble while I get ready for work. Right now life on my part is good. I'm finding that after this last breakup I'm just so much more relaxed, much as I was prior to dating her. I'm a fairly layed-back guy. I just don't need all that drama, suspicion, impatience and irritability brought into my life by a person I love... The one who professed to love me.
maybe she had borderline personality disorder, that's what i have.
your situation sounds just like the one i just went through with my ex.
we've broken up countless times and gotten back together as well, but i think this time is the last time.
Yea, honestly all she needed was a lot of love and understanding, but in the end it wasn't an ideal match because you both wanted and needed different things. Her needing more of course.
And yeah, I gave her tons of love, understanding and emotional support, apparently to no avail.
It was really weird. I never, ever saw someone go from professing undying love and comittment to almost the polar opposite literally overnight. Each breakup was over some confusion in her mind about me. As I said, she's a very black and white, all or nothing type, and if in her mind _everything_ doesn't add up (she was a math major), she starts worrying, getting very anxious and irritable. She would not want to discuss it, saying she had to think about it. Sleep on it. She did not like to have any outside influences sway her decision-making. This would be followed up by a phone conversation the next day with her telling me it was over, sometimes in quite angry terms.
The previous breakups I was crushed and devastated. Not this time. No heartache whatsoever. That's how I know the romantic relationship is definitely over on my part. But I still do care for her as a person and a friend.
When that friendship gets closer because of long hours to focus on the same theme, the understanding of our minds connecting to the same solution, and the release of our stress being similar (playing around the same way, smoking together and growing daily contact) the passion can be intense.
Unfortunately, by what you describe, she appears to be intense on every action which leads her to constant confusion of behavior and that will eventually reflect all around.
As a friend first, and as someone who also got emotionally involved with her, I understand your concern and I would share if that would be the case with me as well. You care about her as a human being, but in this case, she needs help from different angles and one cannot be all.
She needs help emotionally to be stable, financially to support her children, and peace in her mind - as she also quit her job in a moment that jobs are not dancing around with the current economy.
I hope that she finds what she needs, and I wish both of you success in your separate paths.