Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
We separated in February. We called it a mutual agreement so the kids didn't try to take sides, but really my choices were to either live in the same house with her until we divorced with no possibility of working to salvage the marriage because she didn't want to salvage it at that point - or we could separate and get divorced.
At that time she finally admitted that she "had feelings" for another man, but that he didn't know about it. I believed it - I guess I wanted to believe it. 3 weeks later she was sleeping with him and looking for a house with him. I still believed it started after our separation despite how all my friends told me "no way". I still felt that the woman I had been married to couldn't possibly hurt me like that.
About 2 weeks ago she wanted me to update some things on her computer and look at an email problem where she couldn't reply to emails from me (they kept ending up going back to her when she replied). Well I looked at her sent mail - honestly I only planned on fixing the email problem, but right at the top was one to her dude with the subject READ THIS. So I did. It was a letter professing her love for him. He was a friend from before I met her and she said she "always loved" him even though she couldn't admit it. She said "we were together more than I would ever admit". She said that she left me for him because she could see that her being with me was bothering him and she couldn't do anything to hurt HIM. Apparently she didn't have any trouble hurting the man who was faithful to her and backed her up 100% in everything all these years.
I waited about a week while I was deciding whether or not to tell her I read the letter. One night she made a "joke" about how she could get a place to live (she's staying with an Aunt now) sooner if I'd give her money. That bothered me because I do give her $700 a month to live on and in 3+ months she hasn't taken a single step towards getting a job. So I told her I read the letter. She said we needed to talk about it later. So 2 days went by and we finally talked about it. She said the affair wasn't going on that long - just towards the end of the marriage (I don't know whether to believe that or not - so in the end I kind of decided it doesn't matter much when it started). I asked her why she made up the lies when she left me and she said she didn't want to hurt me.
When we talked we had just had our first meeting with our lawyer and I discovered that even though she said she was going to waive Alimony, because we are a no fault state and we are filing uncontested and she has no income, the courts will determine Alimony and she won't be able to waive it. Well after that meeting her attitude was different and she seemed glad that I was going to have to pay alimony and pissed that I was upset about it. At some point I said well I'm not the one who had the affair and then she just hung up on me. We have had no contact for 2 days since then. She texted some questions about our daughter which I responded to.
I guess what bothers me is that her cheating is new to me - it's not like we've hashed this out ever before. It's not like I ever got a chance to tell her how shitty that made me feel. And she's acting like I have no reason to even be talking about it. Until I read the letter 2 weeks ago, I thought she still at least cared about me. Now I see that it was all an act to alleviate her guilt.
Now that I know about the affair, I read posts about cheating spouses on here very differently. I now see that her pattern is part of the cheaters blueprint for divorce. She wanted us to be friends in the end (cheaters handbook says cheater wants to be friends because it shows spouse is ok about it so no reason to feel guilty). She pushed blame on to me (alleviate the guilt) - I know we had problems that WE needed to work on and I do accept some blame for our marriage ending, but i accept much less than she was laying on me now. That was the good part about finding the letter - it allowed me to let go of some of the guilt.
I guess the hard part I'm dealing with the past few days is that my recovery had been going pretty well lately and now I found that there's a whole new layer to the death of our marriage that I have yet to even process much less start recovering from. For the first time since we got engaged I find that I don't trust her. I trusted her fully even in our separation. Now I look at everything she ever said to me as suspect.
We had been keeping things very friendly for the kids sake. I want to continue doing that for the kids, but it's going to be hard because now I'm feeling so violated by her.
At that time she finally admitted that she "had feelings" for another man, but that he didn't know about it. I believed it - I guess I wanted to believe it. 3 weeks later she was sleeping with him and looking for a house with him. I still believed it started after our separation despite how all my friends told me "no way". I still felt that the woman I had been married to couldn't possibly hurt me like that.
About 2 weeks ago she wanted me to update some things on her computer and look at an email problem where she couldn't reply to emails from me (they kept ending up going back to her when she replied). Well I looked at her sent mail - honestly I only planned on fixing the email problem, but right at the top was one to her dude with the subject READ THIS. So I did. It was a letter professing her love for him. He was a friend from before I met her and she said she "always loved" him even though she couldn't admit it. She said "we were together more than I would ever admit". She said that she left me for him because she could see that her being with me was bothering him and she couldn't do anything to hurt HIM. Apparently she didn't have any trouble hurting the man who was faithful to her and backed her up 100% in everything all these years.
I waited about a week while I was deciding whether or not to tell her I read the letter. One night she made a "joke" about how she could get a place to live (she's staying with an Aunt now) sooner if I'd give her money. That bothered me because I do give her $700 a month to live on and in 3+ months she hasn't taken a single step towards getting a job. So I told her I read the letter. She said we needed to talk about it later. So 2 days went by and we finally talked about it. She said the affair wasn't going on that long - just towards the end of the marriage (I don't know whether to believe that or not - so in the end I kind of decided it doesn't matter much when it started). I asked her why she made up the lies when she left me and she said she didn't want to hurt me.
When we talked we had just had our first meeting with our lawyer and I discovered that even though she said she was going to waive Alimony, because we are a no fault state and we are filing uncontested and she has no income, the courts will determine Alimony and she won't be able to waive it. Well after that meeting her attitude was different and she seemed glad that I was going to have to pay alimony and pissed that I was upset about it. At some point I said well I'm not the one who had the affair and then she just hung up on me. We have had no contact for 2 days since then. She texted some questions about our daughter which I responded to.
I guess what bothers me is that her cheating is new to me - it's not like we've hashed this out ever before. It's not like I ever got a chance to tell her how shitty that made me feel. And she's acting like I have no reason to even be talking about it. Until I read the letter 2 weeks ago, I thought she still at least cared about me. Now I see that it was all an act to alleviate her guilt.
Now that I know about the affair, I read posts about cheating spouses on here very differently. I now see that her pattern is part of the cheaters blueprint for divorce. She wanted us to be friends in the end (cheaters handbook says cheater wants to be friends because it shows spouse is ok about it so no reason to feel guilty). She pushed blame on to me (alleviate the guilt) - I know we had problems that WE needed to work on and I do accept some blame for our marriage ending, but i accept much less than she was laying on me now. That was the good part about finding the letter - it allowed me to let go of some of the guilt.
I guess the hard part I'm dealing with the past few days is that my recovery had been going pretty well lately and now I found that there's a whole new layer to the death of our marriage that I have yet to even process much less start recovering from. For the first time since we got engaged I find that I don't trust her. I trusted her fully even in our separation. Now I look at everything she ever said to me as suspect.
We had been keeping things very friendly for the kids sake. I want to continue doing that for the kids, but it's going to be hard because now I'm feeling so violated by her.
Anyhow, I hear you on how it adds another layer. People say, did you divorce because he cheated? Nope, I didn't. But, like you, it added another layer, a hurdle, I wasn't particularly interested in working through. It was too much to deal with, too late.
My ex, whom I can say that I coparent well with nowadays, and he stopped seeing the OW after I found out, so that helped, said, in marriage counseling, "Why can't she just get over it?" It wasn't so much he felt I should, but more, "How could he not get how hard that is?"
His affair lasted 9 months, then I figured it out, and it was really 15 months. He wasn't understanding how the emotional energy, etc he was giving to her, was affecting me and our marriage. He still doesn't see the connection.
One thing I can say I do well is coparent, and being able to separate, back then, my feelings for him as my H at the time, and him as my son's father. Being positive doesn't mean being their best friend. At the beginning, I had a three-minute wait time in dealing with him in person before I could feel mysef wanting to blow a fuse. I would just say, "K, I need you to piss off now. Good times." Now? I can talk to him (about our son) and I am truly indifferent toward him because he is no longer relevant in MY life....but I am aware that he is still relevant for my son.
Keep posting, buddy. DS was a lifesaver for me back in the day, and I hope you gain strength from it as well.
It unfortunate that you can not express your feelings to her about the affair so you can heal, but its common for someone who is in the wrong to deflect and push the blame on the other person for why things are the way they are, even tho they know, they are in the wrong.
You are right about her wanting to stay friends, that it some how makes the cheater/liar/abuser/whatnot think you are Ok with it, so they are justified in what they did or are doing. Its a really misguided thought on their part, but its how they resolve it within themselves. I think that is one reason I have always had a problem being "ok" with how some instances I have been in and "forgiving" the other person, because it is not Ok and I don't want to have someone else, who hurt me, think it is Ok. Its not. but at some point, we have to resolve it within ourselves so to let it go and move forward.
My suggestion would be to bring the affair in to the Divorce disclosure. Make sure it is known that the reason for the divorce is adultery. You'll need proof so try to print off whatever messages you can, even if just one or two, in order to prove it. I am sure the court will rule with that stuff in mind.
Im' sorry, dude. I know how it stings, as well as how frustrating it is when you can't get that discussion you need in order to get to a good place with it. She will continue to deflect and probably even start to be a bit meaner since she has already gotten what she wanted with the relationship with him and what she thinks she will be awarded in the divorce.
hang in there.
I agree with your friends--chances are the affair was well in progress when you separated. I'm sorry you had to find out the bitter truth and be hurt again. At least now you work toward healing. I would not trust anything she says now.
I have a simple philosophy when dealing with my ex: If his lips are moving, he's lying.
Sending you some healing hugs!!!