Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I'll try to be brief. We've been together 25+ years married 21 with 2 teenage boys. Our fighting has become almost un-bearable & we both feel over whelmed and under appreciated. We go back and forth and never get a point accross rather he says everything is fine then I get upset bring something up but when I try to talk about my feelings on the issue he turns it back around to me and I end up defending myself and lose track of what the point was after hours of his back and forth. In fact he said, "You have NO right to feel the way you do" just last night, he tells me that all the time. Our communicated is in the toilet has been for years, everything is fine as long as I don't say anything and just move along and keep things going. Well I'm unhappy I just can't see myself growing old like this, I know I'm not perfect but the biggest issue is that i saw a text on his phone from a female a few months ago, I knew it was work related but it caught my eye regarding lunch, I read a few then felt guilty and stopped. A few weeks went by I asked him in an un knowing way about her and he lied in a way saying he didn't deal with her directly as she was a rep and salt directly with a manager in his office when I had seen texts clearly indicating he was talking to her. I tried to put it out of my mind because after all I really hadn't read everything so maybe I was over reacting, few weeks later another fight in the heat of it I brought up what I knew about this female and the text messages and asked him this time. He freaked out so quickly, I mean cussed me out screamed and walked away telling me he wasn't putting up with this etc... That was it, no more discussion. Yesterday I was in his office building talking to him (he seemed like I was bothering him) on the way out I noticed her (not knowing it was her) after leaving I texted him asking who the female was in the lobby and he texted a non specific response I texted again asking her name? Then he told me her name which made me feel like he was avoiding it and gave me the reason for his attitude as if I was bothering him when I popped in to see him. Long story short he called a few times later in the day and i did ask him about her again he blew up really bad this time. It just seems if nothing is going on why does he blow up so fast? I've actually never really thought he's having an affair maybe she flirty for work and he likes it but I hadn't thought anything until I've seen his extreme reactions he acts guilty. Now I'm just not sure what to think. This combined with all the constant fighting I just don't know how much more I can take. I don't want a divorce but I don't want to do this anymore. He doesn't want counseling and I'm not even sure if it would help anyhow or be a waste of money. I don't work so I can't afford counseling on my own I'm so afraid and losing myself what do I do first besides take a breath, already done that I need to take action? Just lost!
BTW cheating is one of our issues in my marriage. My gut was right most of the time. The other times? Did not get confirmation...oh wait. Yes I did since he is with her now.
If I were in your shoes, I would want to get away from this jerk as fast as possible.
I am really sorry you are going through this, but you deserve better than this. In my opinion, being single is way better than living under the same roof with him. It takes 2 to make a marriage and it appears he is totally done and expects you to just keep your mouth shut and let him do whatever he wants.
I hope you decide to find a life for yourself.
If you decide to see an attorney, do not let on to him, as you can bet your bottom dollar he will start hiding money and assets to keep you from getting anything.
I wish you the best of luck
If I were you, I'd look for counseling someplace. My marriage counseling (ha - ha, ha - ha) was a $40 copay. I went to the first 2 sessions without him, then when he came, well it ended up being a waste in terms of changing anything, but I got my answers, he's passive aggressive - an emotional abuser.
Next, as the above posters suggest, make copies of financial documents - taxes for the last 3 years, his paystubs, deed & titles, copies of investment statements, life insurance policies, everything. Essentially you need to know how much you as a couple are worth. Also, it'd be smart if you had a list of your monthly expenses, including every little thing that you pay for. A very detailed budget. Especially with kids, don't forget sports uniforms, yearbooks, expenses for class trips, proms - those little suckers can be expensive to maintain! Keep all of these papers in a place where they will be safe. You might never need them, but if you do, you'll be ahead of the game. It can be hard to gather this stuff, so take your time.
Meet with at least 3 lawyers if you can do it without falling apart. Not neccessairly to start divorce proceedings, but to get yourself educated about divorce. The consultation meetings, usually an hour, are free.
I'd also start looking into employment opportunities, or educational/certificate advancement. Go to employment counseling sessions, community colleges may have them, my local woman's transition agency helps with that stuff. You need to see what your current value is in the employment world, and then you can go from there. Even if all you can get is a job as a grocery store cashier, you need some of your own money and something outside of the family you can be proud about.
I know what it's like to feel you're dying inside while struggling in an unresponsive marriage. It took me 2 years of soul searching to realize that I had to save myself, and I'm not being dramatic. Then it took me another year to screw up the courage to proceed with a divorce. I could kick myself for letting it drag out so long, but I'm just so happy to be divorcing. It was the best thing I could do for myself. Stbx is not happy about it, doesn't understand why I wanted it, in fact has no clue what he's done to me. I say the words, he hears nothing. I'm done trying to ever talk to him again. The more I talked, the less he heard and the more stubborn he became.
How old are your kids?
I feel like I am starting over...but in a good way...