Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My husband and I are separated but sharing a home at the moment with our two young children. We've only just recently made this decision and haven't told our kids yet or most of our family. The past few days I had noticed him trying to make physical contact, putting a hand on my back etc. which I did not respond to. Yesterday he tells me he's had time to really think about it and he doesn't want to lose me or the kids and wants to change and be better. My gut tells me I need to stick with the separation, that it's what I truly want and what's best for me and my kids - but the second guessing in my head that says it would be so much easier to stay married, financially and otherwise, is making me question myself. It's scary to separate and start over completely. I don't really have anyone to talk to and I have an appointment with my counselor tomorrow, but I would really love some opinions or advice!
Brief history of relationship for context...
Marriage - Married 9 years from a young age, he has had emotional and physical infidelities (both online and/or in person) at least 1-2 times per year of our marriage. He cheated on me before we got married and I believed his promises that things would change once we were married. He is also a functional alcoholic and has a problem with prescription pills (both of which he hides and lies about). He gets home around 5:30, goes to bed by 7-8 PM, and I am responsible for pretty much everything in our household. I take care of the kids, run a business, clean the house, cook everything, do the laundry, go to school, manage the finances, do the shopping - there is not much that he does and it's not really a 50/50 partnership.
After separation - he has (or had) an OW who he was seeing, and he would just announce that he was going somewhere and leave for the day and stay out overnight or for 1-2 days. He did not tell me where he was going and neither the kids or I knew when he would be back home. I think the OW was feeding him on and telling him it wasn't any of my business what he did or where he went. Now he is trying to act like things are all back to normal, which I made it clear they weren't, and he says he's not prepared to lose us, he wants to change, he knows he can be the husband and father we need. I feel like 9 years of second chances is probably too many as it is? He's always all talk and never any action or follow through on his promises to change.
Brief history of relationship for context...
Marriage - Married 9 years from a young age, he has had emotional and physical infidelities (both online and/or in person) at least 1-2 times per year of our marriage. He cheated on me before we got married and I believed his promises that things would change once we were married. He is also a functional alcoholic and has a problem with prescription pills (both of which he hides and lies about). He gets home around 5:30, goes to bed by 7-8 PM, and I am responsible for pretty much everything in our household. I take care of the kids, run a business, clean the house, cook everything, do the laundry, go to school, manage the finances, do the shopping - there is not much that he does and it's not really a 50/50 partnership.
After separation - he has (or had) an OW who he was seeing, and he would just announce that he was going somewhere and leave for the day and stay out overnight or for 1-2 days. He did not tell me where he was going and neither the kids or I knew when he would be back home. I think the OW was feeding him on and telling him it wasn't any of my business what he did or where he went. Now he is trying to act like things are all back to normal, which I made it clear they weren't, and he says he's not prepared to lose us, he wants to change, he knows he can be the husband and father we need. I feel like 9 years of second chances is probably too many as it is? He's always all talk and never any action or follow through on his promises to change.
I'm always for saving a long relationship, especially since mine ended but I think this would take an incredible amount of work on his part and he just might not be up to the task. Sounds like this is just who he is unfortunately.
I definitely didn't want my marriage to end in divorce/separation (I doubt any of us did), especially since I have so many years into it! But you hit the nail on the head, it's him that has to do a ton of work on himself in order for us to repair our marriage, and that's what I've been waiting so long for him to do. I am not sure that he really wants to change enough to be committed to putting in that kind of work. @singular, I think one of the things that's bothering me is that I didn't expect myself to do this much second guessing in my decision! I worry heavily about the effects it will have on my children, and I think that is one of the biggest burdens I carry. I wish all of this were so much less complicated - I think I am just so tired of all the back and forth and uncertainty that I would rather it just be over with so I can move in some direction rather than just standing still.