Breakups & Divorce Support Group

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Advice for asking for a separation or divorce

Peaceofmind7
Peaceofmind7

I am starting to accept the inevitable, and we've seen this coming for a few years, me for at least 3, my husband for more than 2.  I am accepting that we really need to separate and likely divorce, to be able to be out best selves and find happiness and deep love that neither of us can get from each other. (I know from experience that I have had that with other people in my past, but he has never had previous relationships).  So, we do love each other, but we are more like friends who work really well together than passionate spouses (and we both really want a passionate sex life, and we "function" fine together, but lack an ability to really trust each other and feel fully connected)


So, without all our backstory to tag onto this, I'm looking for any advice for how you approached your divorce or breakup.  What did you wish you had done differently in getting the process started?  What are you really glad you did do, that made it work easier, was less painful, more understanding, or just logistically easier (or cheaper!!!).  We have kids together, and I want both of us to be very involved in their lives and I expect that we can have an amicable break, and while I think that my husband would do/want the same, he is also unpredictable with anger, shame, and insecurity (part of my issues that I can't get past) and he could surprise me with a full cutoff (I doubt it, but I can imagine it).  He has said that he wants me to be happy even if that means splitting up, and I have said the same.  He has also said that if we split up he wants to start full and fresh and waste no time finding someone else - and that sounds great to me, becasue that is what I want for him, but practically I don't know what he is really thinking with that!  Basically, I don't know if that means he wouldn't want to be in his kids lives as much anymore.....I DON'T think that would be teh case, but people can surprise us. 


So, that is why I'm posting this - I want to have as amicable a split as humanely possible, for our sanity and emotional health, and for our kids safety and security, so I'd love to hear any advice you have to offer and "success" stories/advice for keeping it amicable and kind through all the pain and change. 


Thanks! 

Peaceofmind7
Peaceofmind7
Oh, and for finances - that is always a big one! - I didn't mean "cutoff" as in finances, but in just life access and engagement. In terms of our finances, we are pretty stable and we both have jobs/income, although I'm the breadwinner and one who brings the health care benefits to the table. And for me, I'm worried about fianances, but less worried about that than emotional strength and security (i.e. no shaming, no guilting, no extreme depression, no paranoia or lashing out.....)
Sam706
Sam706
Im going through something similar and in my opinion there's no easy way of doing it. Dropping hints and skirting around the fact that you are unhappy isn't the way to go. The hard, difficult conservation must take place and obviously when the kids aren't around. Expect that the conversation can possibly get ugly being your husband can be unpredictable so I would suggest having it at a public setting. Better to be safe than sorry. Hopefully everyone can be level headed and accept the reality of the situation. And once that happens, things will get done without bitterness. Good luck and stay safe.....it will be ok
Goddelivers
Goddelivers
As someone who thought we would still be friends after divorce, that it would be simple and easy. That we were more like friends...he was my best friend. I loved him with all I was. I made the decision to divorce like you did. With the same mindset, thinking it would be simple and easy

Im 3 years down the road. I dont care how simple and easy it is. I will never be able to recovery financially, emotionally, and the impact on my daughter is life long. Meanwhile, he has recovered. Moved on. I also did not cut contact after he said he wanted to 'move on' And i know for a fact if I would of...i would not be typing this message to you. Because when I did...he came running. So please please know. You can divide things with the best of intentions. But the hurt will be on both sides and bitterness WILL happen. The hurt will be something that will impact you for life. I had the same mindset, i have met many many people who are in the same spot I am.

Please look at this man, ask yourself. Are you ok, with never ever being friends with him for the rest of your life? Because, you wont be friends. You wont be anything. He will find someone else...and you will be left in the dust. Happens ALL the time.

If he does find someone else..HE WILL NOT BE in the kids lives very much at all. Its all part of it. The thought of him with someone else may sound great, the reality is far different than what you think will happen. Meaning, you no longer have any part of his life. You will no longer really parent together (you may think oh we will) no. no you wont. I know that its really hard for me to suggest another options. But please, look at how you can deal with some of the issues of shame, guilt. Your childrens lives will be forever changed, also. Imagine him meeting someone you dont like (you dont get a say by the way). And than your children will have exposure to this person. without you having any say at all.

Please count the cost emotionally, financially, spiritually.
alwyslve
alwyslve
Goddelivers - what if the hurt and pain is already present in the marriage? What if the current marriage is already full of shame and guilt and presenting a poor example to your children? What if anger overlies so much, or the fear of his anger, or his feeling supressed if he can't express his anger? That makes for an unhealthy relationship, and one that doesn't set a good example of loving for your children.

It is hard, but I've seen so many older couples miserable together and unhappy with their lives, and I can't help but think that they woudl have better off NOT toughing out the marriage. Because now they are "all they have" for each other, but they are a terrible match and miserable and they don't know how to get out of it.

If a man or woman doesn't make it a priority to be part of their children's lives after a divorce, I think that says more about that person's character, and may well even reinforce why it is good to not be married to them anymore. If their new spouse presses them to extract themselves from their children's lives, I give the same conclusion - that's on them as a person and would just reinforce why I wouldn't want to be married to them.

It is clear that you have gone through a painful time, and you are struggling right now. I may have sounded disagreeable here, and I'm sorry about that, but I do appreciate you sharing your story and your advice and I do take that to heart.
Goddelivers
Goddelivers
So, yes, I lived with some anger in our marriage. Same story...shame/guilt. etc. Ive seen FAR more happy couples in their older years than miserable ones. Ive met many many many women who have said..im so glad I stayed in the 'tough years". One woman told me...oh yes...we had a rough patch of 10 years.. And she laughed about it. Meaning, it was hard. It was tough. But they look back and say...we did it!!! Ive met far people who regret it, not knowing that the grass is not greener, thinking that it will be. ITS not.