Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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Advice?

Nebulous
Nebulous

My long distance relationship came to an end a month ago. We were in a relationship in high school for a year, then two years in colleges about 4 hours apart. The long distance was becoming routine for us and we really had a good thing going with the promise of settling down and living a great adventurous life together when we finished. We had such a loving relationship and we were never afraid to tell and show each other how much we loved each other. Right before the break we would have fun love arguments about how one loves the other more. One night we started talking about interfaith marriage because she's Christian and I'm agnostic. She said she didn't mind, but eventually flipped her mind around and she said she would prefer to marry someone of her faith saying she thought I would become Christian. Next day she calls me and says that she doesn't feel butterflies when she kisses me and how she thinks we've become too good of friends. WTF we just had the best most heart felt night of our relationship before you left! This also comes two weeks after she asked me the question if I think we'd get back together if we ever broke up. She answered it by saying yeah we probably would I just couldn't see us hanging out as friends I like you too much. WTF is this a test?!!! Few days go by and she messages me saying she said some rash things, she wants to get back together, and go to Thanksgiving with my family. I just said great idea because I already missed talking to her. After that we didn't talk for a month. I'm very confused at this point because she said she wanted to get back together. She messages me saying that she's saying things without thinking and she doesn't want to be in a relationship right now with unnecessary stress and drama. This hurt big time because I still love her so very much and just want to go back to the magical relationship we had just a month prior. I can't help but think she's making a mistake throwing away something so special and rare. What do I do? Do I try to convince her or just let her go see how life is without me? I want her back and I think she wants me back?

TheLightNight
TheLightNight
Dear Nebulous,
First of all, I feel your pain. Though my now X-girlfriend and I were equally yoked, so to speak, (see below), we parted ways just after a series of the most intimate, abiding and deep interchanges I've EVER had (and wasn't sure was possible). Then, the end (and it's been 3 months now). Pain.

Anyway, I'm writing a relationship book for modern times and in spite of its vogue angle, it points out in chapter 4 that the most successful, long-tem marriages share a knowledge, understanding and relationship with the SAME God. Would you consider looking into the person of Jesus Christ and reading the Bible? Not only would this approach give you more perspective in life, it might save your relationship too by fulfilling her dreams that you would become a Christian.
TheLightNight
lookingforclosure
lookingforclosure
I have a bunch of assumptions, here. You both have been going to college for a couple of years, so nearing or just past halfway to graduation. She's thinking not just about you, but about the future. She loves you, but started thinking about her future, would she want to be married to someone who doesn't share her beliefs. This is bothering her, thus the flip-flop with what she told you (it matters, it doesn't matter, it matters). She's already said she thought you would become a Christian, and then tried to break it off after thinking about the things that were said the night before. But, she missed you, and maybe felt bad about basically breaking up with you over the phone...so thinks maybe it's a mistake and she should see you in person again. This is a real stretch, I hate to let my past and cynical lessons weigh in, but - when she asks if you broke up if you might get back together...makes me think someone who IS a Christian asked her out. This got her thinking that maybe she should see who else is out there, if she intends to marry a Christian, so she thinks it would be better to break up with you, at least temporarily, in order to date someone else and see how she feels about it. This is all far fetched speculation on my part, but bottom line, my advice is this: 1. Let her have her space. If you had the magical relationship you describe, she will reach out to you. 2. What's the harm in finding a Christian Church and attending a few times, you may end up liking it, and have that one last thing in common that your girlfriend has been worrying about. Good luck to you.
Nebulous
Nebulous
Thank you light night and closure. I respect her religion a lot and have gone to her church numerous times with her family. I guess the only way to her heart is Christianity. When we were breaking up I cried to her that I loved her more then my beliefs. If anything my thoughts on God are more deistic than anything. I'm a very open minded person and although I respect and listen to everything, it is hard for me to weigh in just yet.
jellybean824
jellybean824
I can sense how difficult this has been for you. I think it would confuse most of us to have a SO make those statements, then seemingly take them all back. Religion/beliefs tends to be a hot-button issue for relationships. Perhaps she felt it was only a matter of time before you changed your mind. Eventually, when she saw it wasn't happening, she might have felt a bit guilty. It's possible she does have true feelings for you, but can't reconcile those with her beliefs. The heart and the head often do not want to come in line! Here's hoping for some resolution for the both of you.
Nebulous
Nebulous
Thank you jellybean. She told me she doesn't want the unnecessary stress and drama right now, but you said you never know what can happen down the rode. By now I'm just done with being hurt so I told her I loved her as a person and told her I was going to disconnect from all forms of social media to allow time to heal. However she can still text me to talk about anything I said. I'm ready to move forward and start complete NC. I think it's the best thing for us...or at least me.