Recovering from addiction takes a LOT of time and hard work. It's a rare occasion when someone just "stops", especially if they've been using for years.

It sounds like he's not taken the time, the hard work, or even any responsibility for what his using has cost your marriage.

I certainly can't tell you what to do except maybe get yourself really educated on the behaviors of an addict. They will stop at nothing, and bring anyone close down with them if they have to. You need to do whatever is best for your future. Best of luck.

Nekaj...thank u..that is good advice to educate myself on the behaviors of an addict. I definately need to do that.
As for now I will continue forward with the divorce. Oh man...it sounds so awful to my ears. I never, ever thought I would get divorced. I used to always try to help save anyone I knows marriage when I was younger. I guess time changes our point of view and especially when your living with an off and on addict. Thank you.

Hi clsl4him-

NA has the same 12 steps and traditions as Alcoholics Anonymous. But, there is a meeting for families of alcoholics that have been affected by alcoholism called Al-Anon. I am not too familiar with it, but it may be something for you to check into, to see if there would be something similar for NA family members that have been affected.

It does sound like has has not taken proper inventory of his life, his behavior or how he has hurt you and others. AND he will NOT especially if he is still using. Addicts will give you 5000 excuses, cry, say "whatever" will get them to still feel accepted. Please stay strong. I know it is hard, and I don't know your entire life or story, but if you have already gone so far as to file for divorce, you must have been sick and tired of being sick and tired.

If you think about how you felt 2 weeks ago, crying and feeling like you couldn't face another day, ask yourself if you are willing to go through those feelings again. You are making progress, for some it is a slower journey and some can do it pretty fast. For me, it has only been 2 1/2 months since my break-up. Didn't have any drug abuse in my relationship but know all about "addictive" behavior. It's terrible, hard, stressful and very hurtful. You may be doing him a favor. Maybe not. But, think about the favors you can do for yourself. Think about how you won't have to make excuses for him any more. You say you can't go through this again 2 or 3 years from now, and you are the only one that can make that decision. I am glad that you are at least amicable with each other regarding the house. Hang in there, sorry I couldn't really be more helpful, but I do understand your struggle. The "what-if's" and "maybe one day" he'll change and things can be nice was my motto for 12 years. You have a lot more time under your belt invested in your marriage than I did but the concept of thinking is probably similar. I think the longer the relationship, sometimes the more comfortable we become in an "uncomfortable" relationship. Don't wait for him to change, just change the way YOU handle things. Hugs to you honey.

Keep on moving with the divorce and don't look back; it's the holidays and he's trying to manipulate you, because if you haven't received an apology and an invitation to a NA meeting and seen positive steps of recovery, then keep following your first mind. Proceed with caution around him and proceed with the divorce.

As far as the house, I suggest contacting a realtor, maybe you can refinance to lower your payment so you can stay in there or get a roommate.

Stay strong and I wish you the best.

Insightful...actually..after being in forcloser a year and a half ago, we finally with my persistance got a remodified loan. You know, I think he was disapoinged in some way even though he wants to keep it now but I think it is b/c he knows people with know he failed and he is an addict. Before it was looking like I was the loser b/c I was involved with another person and looking like an idiot. This is our 3 rd separation in 24 years. The first was when he was , i believe having a nervous breakdown and also a drug induced psychosis. he took a restraining order out on me and asked the judge for a 6 month with no visitation which I had overturned as far as the visitation. He was mean and nasty and gave me no money but he had me come over for sex and he also visited me to have sex. yes. I was unfaithual after 11 years of marriage and I know it was wrong but I never did the mean things he did to me.

Anyway, b/c I broke our wedding vows , I too feel I can't ever take that back.

True...he has not taken any steps that I know of to recover. He actually seems content being at his brothers house.

He had me file for divorce a before about a year 1/2 ago when he fell into the arms of another woman. She kept telling him to throw me out and she text my phone saying "stop calling my phone, the cops are coming after you" I never even called her stupid phone.


Anyway, I will continue to move forward and not allow him to manipulate me which I know he is doing.

Thank you so much for taking the time to support me in this.

Calichic...I actually stopped making excuses for him to my father who thought the world of Bill all these years. I think my sisters are shocked I stayed with him after all the tactics he has pulled. He has been heavily involved in recover over the years but neglected me in the process. He was caring more for other woman in the program , crying on there shoulder and vise versa. I actually found a text from a woman and he called her "sweat pea". I asked him he she was and why he called her that and he said, Cis..this is how you have to talk to these people." What a lyer. The more Ithink about it the more I need to move on.

Another young girlfriend of mine said to me "your husband is weird, he came up to me and said " I wish we could take you home with us" She was about 23 and he just met her. He was using I think. We went home and had sex and he actually called me her name.


Boy I think he has really pulled the wool over on me.

Sell the house, move on and be happy. Addicts drag you down and you could end up losing the house if you keep playing his game. You know the saying, once an addict, always an addict. And he could be acting his sympathy cards to gain your pity - don't trust it.

Hop in the car, look through the wind-shield, not the rear view mirror. Good luck

Jewls...I am the one living here with tennants helping pay the mortgage. He is living at his brothers' and at this point and from my standpoint has no intentions of returning, that is unless in his mind he thinks I will take him back. I see your point of view but I am not will to lose my shirt as far as selling with the economy this way. However, I will seriously consider it. Once I become an RN I can afford to live here on just my income along with the tennants. I feel it would be foolish of me to sell it if he is willing to allow me to live here.

He will have to help support it though until I get my RN but it seems he has no income. So much needs to come out of his mouth and it will If I continue to pursuit this divorce to it's finality. The judge is going to throw the book at him once he reads the file that my husband abandoned us, but did let me keep the 2010 tax return of 6,000 which I am living on. See, there I go, I keep giving my husband gold stars when he actually called me a "Cunt" b/c I kept asking him to file them after 6 mos of sitting on them. He didn't want to give the money to me is all.

Man is he smart he is going to have to come clean before this is said and done.