I don't understand it either. I am just thankful that your son has you as a good mom supporting him.

I've talked a little about my ex-husband's relationship with his daughter. She was abandoned by her birth mom who moved to another country to marry a guy she met online. She signed over guardianship (I guess that's the legal term) to my ex-husbands sister. Why would she have to do that? Because my ex-husband saw his daughter maybe 5 times out of the year. The birth mom was the primary care giver - he just paid child support - and complained about that.

So - here is this devastated child - abandoned by her birth mom - and where is her birth dad? Someone she clearly needs at a time like that. He chooses to stay out on the road and drive truck all over the country instead of giving her stability and just driving a day cab so he can be home nights and weekends for her. So she gets abandoned twice.

Thankfully, my ex-husbands sister, from last I heard, has provided a stable environment for her to grow in - got her into therapy from the start - and the last time I saw her (3 years ago - right before my divorce) she seemed like she was doing much better.

I have so little respect for my ex-husband. Here is this beautiful child - and through no fault of her own she gets caught in the crossfire of both her parents selfishness. I don't know what it feels like to witness as the parent - when you are the care giver day in and day out - but if its anything like having to witness as a step parent, it is at the very least disheartening. He gets the CHOICE to be around this beautiful child whenever he wants - and he squanders it.

I think your presence in your sons life is such a great positive force - and I think that your son will start to see, if he hasn't already, his donor's true character. I am sure this doesn't make things easier to watch though.

xoxo

Hi namaste,
I'm sorry, some men are just lacking. It really is sad.
The only thing I can offer you is my husband was the same way.
He wanted nothing to do with kids or school. As they got older, he wanted to do less with them all the time.
Thinking about it now, I believe it was because his parents did not care about him one tiny bit, so of course he had no idea how to be a father. He would use any excuse under the sun not to go. It had nothing to do with the kids, It was just how he was raised. The whole situation was really sad and he was the one who was losing. All he cared about was himself. IMHO this is what happened with us. Your situation is probably way different.

I can only imagine that if his absence has been prolonged and there has been no time spent with his son for whatever reasons have interrupted his time with him then it may come to a point where he actually forgets he is a father and stops doing fatherly things if he ever did them in the first place. It's not a defense for him. But I have seen it happen to where that has to be rebuilt at some point from basically scratch because of whatever damage is done and prolonged absences from your child's life make a huge impact on how the two interract with each other. I had to leave my daughter for three days to go to a funeral. I can't imagine being gone any longer than this and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but it had to be done. Sometimes we simply don't have the choice.

I explain it to my kids this way...

Dad's got issues that come from his own childhood. It's harder for him to bond with other people. He sort of wants to, and he sort of doesn't want to. It's not your issue...it's his.

Anyway, it's easier for him to keep his distance.

And because of that, he really doesn't have a clue what to say or how to relate to you....So he just doesn't call.

I get it. There is nothing to be said. My ex walked away from his children when he left me. He has not seen them since. (BTW two grandchildren since then...)

My STBX is the same way - unless he can use one of the kids to get back at me in some way. They are trolls, and the kids are probably better off not having them around.