Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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onedayatatimeforme 01/22/2017

As in my previous post my attorney has contacted me to inform that my stbx has asked that I attend couples therapy as he does not want to go through with the divorce and he has started therapy for himself for his bipolar and his anger issue and in addition he would like me to be a part of parenting classes ( as he put it so in the event the divorce does go forward or not he is more of a hands on parent ) I do not have to show up in person all the time and it is set to my schedule as I do work full time and I care for the kid full time.. ok they are young men age 16 years and 20 years. Never the less I am still the one to take care of doctors, appointments , college, school and such. My attorney said I do not have to agree however, it does look good on my part that I accept his offer regardless of his intentions which can not change custody, visitation and support. A judge would rather see the spouse agree to meet the other spouse halfway because it is less for the judge to rule on if my stbx were to ask for the judge to order the parenting classes and such. So I have alot to think about as to do I really want to save this marriage and if not would I have regret or if I tried would I have regret, also in most cases with my stbx he only ask things such as not wanting the divoce because he is not happy with his current sitiuation and I think because his father said he will not pay for his hotel anymore and he will need to move in with his mother and older sister that stbx does not want to do that as it has not worked out in the past.. so where will he stay ? He can't live in the house with me and go forward with the divorce as the law states if he spent the night in the house the 2 year separation starts over again. So I am stuck, what do I do ? If you were faced with a chance to save the marriage at your spouse request and your spouse is doing the therapy and such would you go for it or not ? Any advise is helpful because I feel as if I am stuck in a rock and a hard place and there is also the kids, how will they feel about the possible working things out ?

Belle2 01/22/2017

I had went through a divorce when my kids were in 1st and 3rd grade. I feel that I had done everything that I could to try to save my marriage. We tried date night, which did not last due to his work schedule. We tried counseling and he turned it on me and said that I am the one that is crazy. We tried separation did not help. My ex has a pretty bad temper and in the end of the marriage I finally came to the conclusion that it wasn't going to change and I couldn't let my children live in a house with parents whom fight all the time and see that this is what a marriage should look like. I think that it is important to do all you can do to save your marriage if that is what you want and at least you can say that you tried everything to save your marriage. Obviously, no one can tell you what you should do, only you can. And I don't know your whole situation so I can't say either way. I just wanted share with you part of my experience while I was going through my divorce.

jojored 01/22/2017

Well, I think you have to look at past actions as a predictor of future actions. Has he tried therapy and medicine in the past for his bi-polar disorder? If he did, did he stop taking the meds and the therapy after awhile? Doesn't he have a history of using people - his father namely, and you, to take care of him? In your gut, do you trust him? Will he be a true partner, or will he cast you in the role of caretaker, and himself as the third child? Also, why does he suddenly want NOW to work on himself? I think you answered that in saying his dad is cutting off his hotel.

I guess you could always try the couples/parenting therapy, but keep your eyes open and listen to what he's not saying, if you go. I would not trust him, based on what I know of your situation. It's sucks that he's playing this card this late into the process.

onedayatatimeforme 01/22/2017

Thank you Belle2 for your reply, In a nut shell I have been married to him for 24 years, We met when we were 15 married at 21 and started our family 6 years after that. Within the marriage he had several affairs ( not sexual he is not comfortable in his own skin) he has been in and out of the house and in out patient centers for his bipolar disorder that he claims is incorrect and he just needs a break . Each time he left at my request he goes to his father who has paid his bills for years and still does and his father would put him in a hotel or he would stay with his mother and when he got tired of being alone or being told what to do and as he claims he misses the kids he promised to change and would come back home, This took place at least 5 times in the past year and our sons had no problem with him coming or going as long as he would put his best foot forward which he would for about a month. Two years ago he filled for divorce because his father said so and if he did then he would be back in his fathers will and taken care of, I would not go along so he left and again came back and stopped the divorce and here are are again he wants to stop it . So that is why I am at a stand still because I have lived and learned that talk is cheap and unless I see change there is no way I would give him a chance. Sure it is easy to say I would try on the marriage and it is easier to try than to go through the pain and the what if... but this time I want to see change and unless I see it I am not budging . That is pretty much it in a nut shell. We all live and learn and I am just not sure which direction to go but I do know I have to see change to even consider working on the marriage.

onedayatatimeforme 01/22/2017

Jojored you are right , there is something if not a lot that he is not telling me. I think he is faced with having to move in with his mother and sister and that situation he did not like because his family has no photo's of the kids they have nothing nice to say about me and the kids because we are not their puppets that they can control, his family has cut off contact with the kids 6 years ago at no fault of the kids what so ever that just tells you what kind of people they are. Stbx is a liar, cheater and he knows what to say to get what he wants and it has worked for him so far but he is staying with his father and step mother who remind him to see a doctor take his medication and stop giving me what they think is a lot of money.. ( hello if it was a lot of money why am I working overtime) So he is faced within a week he will have move back in with his mother and sister because they are not going to pay for his hotel anymore. So that is what I think is the sudden change of heart but to be fair stbx has said even while at the hotel he wants to work it out , be at home be a father, husband . I have been through that same conversation with him enough times to know talk is cheap so unless I see change that is for the marriage and the kids and for me I will not give his idea of working on the marriage a second thought because talk is cheap. He has not changed his situation has and yes it would be nice for him to help with the kids but I have done it by myself this long and longer that is not a good enough reason. So I am wondering what else is going on in his demented mind.

charliegirl815 01/25/2017

You've been married for a long time. If he is willing to stay in therapy for his condition and you both go to marriage counseling with a counselor who understands how his condition effects the marriage, why not? It could be a good example to show your kids that when people have difficulties, they take responsibility and work through them together.

onedayatatimeforme 01/25/2017

Thank you charliegirl815 your response makes sense and it is a long time to be married but my thing is we have tried this many times before when he would come back and therapy and it just turned out to be the same. It's like I am afraid to try again because if it fails then I have regret and want to kick myself. I did tell myself the only way I would consider is if he did not have baggage and by that I mean with his taxes that are over due that effects me, he has to pay them and his father has told him for 2 years he will take care of it for him ,,, well talk is cheap for sure. I just can't do it with the same baggage because it will be doomed from the start. I have lived and learned from regret and our sons are 20 years old living at home in college and a 16 year old son that neither one he has a relationship with . So I find myself standing at a fork in the road.

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