Alyssa, I remember who you are. What I will say, because we talked before, is that it is time to get into therapy to work past him. With everything that happened, you are fighting an unhealthy obsession over him that will keep you stalled from moving into a whole new life and new future for you.

You don't want or need someone. A therapist can help you work past this, give you homework to do in between sessions (ask for that) and also give you tools to use for when you get into the "I need him" phases.

You have had so much trauma in your short life. You deserve to start fresh and new and move towards a better future for you. Many hugs.

Alyssa,

If anybody knew how to hold onto the emotions that don't hurt as much and make us feel resolved, I would pay them good money to have them show me how that's done. I would love that!

Unfortunately I have no clue how we can hold onto the feelings and emotions that we want to keep feeling in this and let go of the rest. I thought this grief process would go in order... like shock, sadness, anger, then acceptance, because thats the way it was always said to me in that order. Because it was always recited in that order I thought it was linear. Not so!

I thought I was doing this whole thing wrong because my emotions were all over the place. Until people started to explain that it isn't in any type of order and you can think you are done with one emotion just to have it pop back up later and have to deal with it again like anger etc I was truly happy when I could just maintain the same thought for ten minutes. Ugh!

I can tell you that getting back to the state of not wanting them back when you slip away from it is usually helped by keeping things in perspective. It takes reminding yourself why you left or how you felt when they left you.

I have found that when I am having bad nights that looking through all the stuff he has done and allowing myself to remember and feel the emotions I felt why they were happening kind of jolts me back to reality of what life really was with him and why I can't and don't want to go back. You might want to give this a try when you are glamorizing the relationship or feeling like you want him back.

It was suggested to me to use index cards to list all the things I don't miss and or that he has done to me and our kids. Index cards because as they stack up you being to see the how much was done that was unacceptable or hurt you. Paper can have less impact only because when it's neatly written on paper it may at first glance just look like the things that hurt you are smaller than if listed on cards. Guess maybe the size of the stack can have an impact on seeing visually just how much was wrong in the relationship. I did both and the index cards made more of an impact with me then paper did.

I understand wanting to keep the feeling going. I swear I do. I understand being tired of the process and doing the work and hurting over things I can never change. I find myself wishing the easier emotions and better days would just stay. so far that hasn't happened, but I can say the good and strong days have begun to outweigh the bad. I do think part of that is just really focusing on what the marriage really was and trying to purpose myself to focus more on my life and my kids and what I have to do for us now.

Staying in the moment helps a lot. Now is the only time and space that we can really do anything to better ourselves, Past is gone, future isn't here yet. So right now you are feeling strong... cherish that, and try not to worry about what you will feel later. Just trust that when later comes and your feelings change, you are strong and resourceful enough to get through it. You are and you will! It's part of this process... the emotions that seem to change with the wind. Millions have done it before us and gotten through it and we will too. Pretty soon your emotions will stabilize and you will be here giving someone helpful hints on how you got through it. Hang in there and try the list it might help in the weaker moments. (((((( hugs)))))))