So I'm 33 today... last year me and my ex talked about how that was going to be the last of our birthdays, her's is on the 31th, before we where married... now look at us.

I haven't been on here because well... I have no motivation to do anything. I know time is what I need but I just really wanted to get this out today. This is the first year my family hasn't had a party on my birthday, because things out of our control we are doing it Sunday. So I have spent today alone. Whats bad about that is... because these last few months she would only come home really late (she was either with that girl or basically stalking her, she talked about wanting to sneak into her window)... sometimes I forget she isn't coming home and I hate myself for thinking that. I'm not mad or upset... I just feel down. Even my coworkers say they don't like this me but I said this is who I have always been... it was just that being with someone made me better... feeling loved made me better. I miss that me.. I look around at how empty it is and without her its just me and I don't really like him that much.

I had so much I wanted to do but now it feel like my body is weighed down, my skin feels either numb or on fire, and keep quitting what I start... I don't know how to get out of this malaise. I'm going to try and stay busy before I try to sleep. I don't know if I am making sense right now.