Why can I be so strong one day and so weak, in a ball violently shaking - tears streaming down my cheeks - can't catch my breathe, the next day?

I have that love hate relationship going right now.

One day I love him, miss him, want him, cry for him and then I get over it and hate him for hurting me, degrading me, ruining my self esteem, ruining our family, (oh and cheating on me).

Why can't I let go?
Why do I still want this man who abused me - verbally/emotionally?
Why do I care what he thinks?
How can he reel me back in with just one look?
His beautiful Hazel eyes, my focal point during my labor.
Those eyes I looked into for comfort when I was scared.
Those eyes that said "everything will be ok".
Those eyes that sparkled when he looked at me.
Those eyes that at one time said "I love you".

Those eyes that shot me the death look when he disapproved.
Those eyes that said "how f'ing dare you" and scared me.

I was doing so well until he called last week and asked me to sign the truck over so he could buy a new one. This was actually a good thing, we were upside down with the loan and by signing, I would no longer be financially responsible. I saw him 3 days in a row. We talked like we were human beings again. I made this an opportunity to tell him just exactly what I thought about his his girlfriend and how she has been stalking me (I have witnesses). I asked him if he really thought she was a good role model for our daughter, his reply was "no". So I stated that I would prefer that they she never be alone with our daughter. He actually agreed, as long as that was what our daughter wanted. Things were okay. I cried for three days straight.

Our daughter had been on vacation with her best friend, she returned Saturday. On Sunday, my husband came and took her for a ride in his new truck. While he was waiting for her, he informed me that he was fired from his job the day before I signed off of the truck. So now where does that leave me? We still have not gone to court for child support, by the end of the month our daughter will no longer have health insurance and I'm freaking scared. I am struggling unable to keep my head above water. I litterally have $20 for food to last me til the end of the month and a growing teenage daughter. Social Services will not help because I make too much. How am I gonna survive this?

I want to look in those eyes that use to comfort me and I can't.
I want him to hold me and say everything will be ok, but I can't.
I want him to freaking want me, but he doesn't.

Oh boy, I think I'm drowning again.

God please help me. I really don't know how much more I can take of this. The pain is still so fresh, just like it was yesterday. Please give me the strength to get thru this turmoil. Please show me a light ahead. Let me know, I will survive.