Please excuse my typos.

Gentle hugs. Hang in there. I am sorry to hear about all of this. You can do this, you are strong!!

I'm so sorry. I have been hit with a lot of anxiety as well. The lack of control in certain situations sends me into a tailspin.

Sometimes I can be strong and I'm learning to let God carry me through some things. Like the tree crashing on your shed. I was already having a tough time coping, and my water heater kicked the bucket, I found out I needed an exterminator... Ugh. I folded.

Take a step back and breathe. You'll be OK. Learn to let go of some of those things because I realized that if I didn't, I was going to get myself sick and nothing is worth it.

thank you clear. It's just hard to breath some days. I know there's nothing I can do about the tree. I live in the woods. Not the first time a tree has fallen. I've given up the clean up on that. It's just that I look at the downed tree still full of green leaves. Yet caused such destruction. Kinda like me. Trying to be hopeful yet broken. Such destruction in my life. I have to see that tree every time I enter my kitchen. Just a reminder how wrecked I am. Just on auto pilot everyday. I just don't know how to cope. And my would have been 25 years anniversary would have been June 8th. I'm dying inside.

(((HUGS))) Oh dear. It seems like being blindsided is part of the divorce process no matter how much you try to prepare. He really did bring all of this on himself. Of course, he'll never believe that. I also think your lawyer should have kept you informed about what was going on. That kind of stinks too. I am wondering if your stbx has legal recourse here. Years ago, my brother and his ex were in a custody battle over their daughter. His ex was a drug abuser, alcoholic who didn't have a job and could in no way provide for a child. My brother had a good job with the city, a two bedroom apartment in a nice suburb and family to help. At one point, his ex disappeared off the radar ... no address could be found for her. Her attorney didn't know where she was. Her family said they didn't know where she was. She was sent notices about court dates in the mail, but they all came back. Finally, the judge granted my brother sole custody. End of story we thought. Less than six months later, she resurfaced with no explanation of where she had been, but she claimed she hadn't gotten any notice of the custody hearings and the judge vacated the order, meaning everything went back to square one. In the end, my brother did get sole custody, but that added another year and about $10,000 onto what he already had. I wonder if your stbx can do the same thing.

Where are you going, btw? Did you get a settlement?

furbabymom ~ I can certainly understand your shock at the speed of everything. You have a lot less time to adjust, and that loss of control over the little you felt you had control over, makes things worse. There is a bright side to this, no? No court means less cost, no bargaining, no threats, no more manipulation. And you get everything you asked for in terms of settlement, yes?

You will be alright in the short term, you'll get through. Rely on the people around you, your faith, and the people on this site. Cry as needed, just don't get the packing tape too wet! In the long term, there is a bright future, just waiting for you to embrace it. It's a journey, not a weekend trip. When you're ready.

PS, who cares what he thinks. He didn't cooperate with the process, so the Law did it's thing. Period.

Hi Sam. Yes he can reopen. Has 3 years. I made some changes to petition before filing it in hopes it would keep him from that. Not making him carry health ins on me for 3 years. Dropped alimony to less than half what was stated(not trying to bleed that m an) even though he's a lying cheat. House goes up for sale. We split that. He gets all his stuff. I'm even leaving pots pans dishes silverware appliances. Basically I just get the alimony as I know house won't sell for much and we still owe 8, years on it. I'm just scared to death.

Oh yeah, what Samantha said. I'd ask the lawyer if he/she can make it so that there's no going back on the order.

I am so sorry this is all happening to you.
Please do not beat up yourself, he brought this all on himself by refusing to give an address. You know he's going to totally blame everything on you to make you feel as bad as possible.
PLEASE do not let him control your emotions this way.
You really did the best you could under the circumstances he gave you.

A lot of these guys think they are so smart, trying to figure out ways to evade the process and hide assets, but they end up screwing themselves. The courts see guys like this all the time. They know all the tricks.

I didn't think you could legally carry someone other than a child on your health insurance after the divorce.

He got off easy, IMO. Instead of being angry with you, he should be thanking his lucky stars that you didn't take him to the cleaners!

Thanks to u all who have respond. Just feel blessed to have u all. And no. I didn't want to take him to the cleaners. I still love him very much. Even after the abuse lies and cheating. I don't have the desire to hurt him the way he hurt me. And yes. You can be ordered to pay for med ins if the circumstances are right. I gave a med condition called Raynauds that I have to take med for daily. It's a circulation problem.. makes my toes feel frost bitten with temp change. Gets ugly! And painfully. But his work ins won't cover me once were divorced. Personal med ins can be $200 month. I just can't justify that. And I do think he should have money to actually live on. So I lowered alimony $110.00 month. I just don't want to revisit it. I'm so broken. I miss and love the old husband. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm list. I'm just so emotionally ruined and bankrupt.

He also can't hide assets. I have all his stuff. But don't want any of it. Most was from before we were married. I don't want it or the money for it. I just want to try my hardest to move forward and learn to live without him. God help me. How do I do that?!

Once you are away from him for awhile, your feelings for him may begin to change. I ran a domestic abuse support for six years and I saw that happen all the time. One woman in particular gave up alimony and child support because she felt sorry for him. Her career barely covered living expenses for herself and the kids, but she was frugal and stretched her money as far as she could. After a couple of years, the fog began to lift and she began to see the situation so much more clearly and she deeply regretted letting him out of paying child support.

I sure didn't give up the alimony. I just dropped it down quite a bit. This is really hard. I have only seen him two times since he left in Feb and communication is very limited. I really don't want to hear from him with new gfs kid screaming in the background. It wrecks me. Still.... I love him and can't believe it's happening. He will regret it one day. But until then I can only pray for him. I don't wish anything bad for him. But soon he will know that no one will love him as much as I did.

It seems based on my experience and what I see others going through, the cheaters always act like the victims because they have to try anything they can to take the focus off what they've done. It sounds so ridiculous, but I can't understand how cheaters can ever have any kind of a "normal" life. I feel compassion for my ex but not the way she wants me to. FBmom, don't worry too much about the broken tree. You will have more healthy trees down the road.