There is no answer. At least not a generic one. I have had days where I have to vent to my horses because there is no one to talk to. I work and come home. My therapist says I need to go out more. I am not like that and although I like a glass of wine I have no interest in going bar hopping. I don't go to church and I am not involved in community activities. I just am a homebody. So lots of thinking time. I try to read and write in my journal. That helps. I go to bed early. I went on anxiety meds but mine are daily and I think help somewhat. Stay busy doing anything. Make some projects. The main thing I can tell you that for me it wasn't necessarily listening to all the advise but following my gut. If I am sad I cry. A lot. If I feel like doing something I do it. It is getting a little better for me so I think time is what counts the most. No contact is hard but it works for some. Don't give up. Keep moving. Wish you well.

Strange as it sounds, what you are doing right now, is part of the process for you and is your way of coping. Asking questions, ruminating, trying to find ways to deal with it....all signs you are trying to get answers and trying to move past this.

I was where you are, in the sense that my life has always been focusing on others...my job, my ex husband, my son, my dog, etc. I chose to put myself on the backburner because being the best for everyone else was my goal.

After my divorce, I realized that in order to be my best, I had to to put me first. A healthier, happier, better ME was a better Mom to my son, a better friend to my friends, a better XYZ to my XYZ.

But how? Putting myself first felt selfish, it felt wrong, it felt just...WEIRD.

The thing is, Jessa, everything you are already doing IS focusing on you. It doesn't "work" because your feelings are raw, but honestly, it actually is working. Feeling better won't happen overnight....it takes TIME. And, man, Time can just SUCK.

I think you're on the right track. I wish you well....

Many, many hugs.

Take the little victories, and use them to build confidence in your future. Did you go one hour without crying? Victory. Did something on TV make you laugh or smile? Victory. Did you eat more than one meal today? Victory. Every time something isn't the worst thing that ever happened, take note of it. It becomes helpful in fortifying against the much harder moments. For instance, yesterday I lost all that anger and felt only sad. In a weak moment, I looked at his Facebook page. It made me feel awful, like I knew it would. I had to force myself to unfriend him, because I can't watch his life go on right now. And I spent the evening miserable and lonely. But I knew that I'd had an okay morning. And that the night before, I felt like I could breathe. So I held on to that, and trusted that the sad night was temporary and that I'd feel more stable again soon. It swings back and forth, and you just have to trust that it's going to keep swinging.

In the meantime, I recommend 7 Cups of Tea for when you need to chat with someone and your friends aren't really there, and just binge watching something stupid so that at least part of your brain is occupied by something else. You've got this.

I hear you completely. I am a complete homebody and have no extra money to go out and do ANYTHING so I spend a lot of time just thinking. I allow myself to think for so long and then I move on. If the thoughts about my ex husband come back, I think a little more but I never let it go on for more than a few minutes. I see a therapist just once a month and she just helps me remember why I left (verbal abuse, lying, cheating) and talk about other things. Like another poster said, celebrate little victories. The first day I went 24 hours without crying, I was like, "GO ME! I CAN DO THIS!"

I say to myself at least once a day still that, "I'm going to be fine." and it somehow helps. I think everyone goes through this differently. I feel like I am often in the minority because when I left there was an overwhelming sense of peace that I could go through a day without being yelled at and told I was worthless. I would rather be alone for the rest of my days than made to feel so small again. I know sometimes the advice sounds awful, but stay positive and know that better things are ahead if you want them to be. You are somewhat in control of how you feel about things and the more positive self talk you do the better I think you will feel. But don't just say it, believe it. I know that sounds cheesey and stupid and before my marriage went to hell I didn't believe in a lot of that "psychobabble" (even though at one point I wanted to be a therapist) and much to my surprise it really does help!

this sounds exactly what i am going thru right now i don't have support from any one just a lot of negative . i have been ignoring the negative

the only thing i can say to you is one day at a time i am doing it take it at your own pace
i still cry multiple times daily but it has been less each time i will be going to a therapist soon to help me talk about these feelings

Yeah..it's rough. Last night I took a generic xanax for the first time and it made me go crazy. And I mean crazy..like crying for an hour, obsessing over a situation and ruminating. My sister and her boyfriend just sat there and told me I'm crazy. Today my sister said she knew it was the meds but god, I just feel awful. Stuff like that happens when something sets me off (like alcohol, the beginning of my antidepressents, pms) so that's why I got the meds but it made it worse. I hate myself for losing control of my emotions. I know it's a chemical imbalance but no one else knows that. When I'm calm, I'm very likeable.

Read It's Called a Breakup Cause It's Broken by Greg Ehrnhardt and his wife Amiira- hilarious, good advice. I'm also reading Crazy Tiime: Surviving Divorce and Building a new life- by Abigail Trafford- I got both on Amazon used for cheap.
I also got drunk with my gay best friend in a very public place in town and I was tickled to death having everyone wonder what the hell was going on with me- I clean house, I cook, I work, I read, I research, and I try to stay out of my head, I don't contact the stbx unless I have to- that really helps, and I accidentally started a fling with this gorgeous man 13 years younger than me- omg- so fun- it does get complicated because it's almost impossible for me to just hook up- but we do like each other and are just having fun-
I go for walks and put on some kick ass music that makes me feel like a hot mama jamma- I shake my butt so much I actually hurt my hips lol!
You can do it- what empowers you- what makes you feel good? All the crap to sort out in your head will be there all the time- but distraction helps some- talk and reach out and tackle your fears- the first step may be something simple like asking a girlfriend out for dinner or drinks, going to see a band you like, taking a bike ride, going for a ride in the country and just stopping whenever you feel like it-
one of the craziest days I had- when I found out a lot of the things my husband had been doing- I packed my bags and was on the road by 10am- didn't know where I was going- just left- my kids are 16 and up and they all had plans- and I just left- I went to New Orleans and got a hotel room and called my cousin who lives there now and had the best time- and when this guy cat called me and said I love the way your hair blows in the wind baby- I was like - yeah- you got that right- what can feed your self esteem, what can make you feel like the sexy awesome strong delicious girl you are- think about it- fantasize about it- write a list- and tackle it-
I go to therapy too- my therapist actually was excited for me when I told her about my new "friend" and when I told her how he was always telling me- BABY, what do you want? She suggested I get that tattooed somewhere small and hidden because it made me smile and it was a wonderful way to think about things-
Baby, what do YOU want?

what is stbx

soon-to-be-ex

Keep positive. Each day I find without contact is easier. It's when he gets in touch with me I fall back a little. I am sad but know I am getting stronger. Holidays really suck though because they were always such happy times. Waiting for 2015 so I can say HAPPY NEW YEAR and mean it.

Yes, digone, I get set back too when I get wind of what hes up to with the OW - not so much when we have contact about our son. I guess the OW still hurts and everytime it comes to my attention its like pulling off a bandaid again. I go along fine doing my own thing and then it jumps up and smacks me in the head - usually results in my ruminating on it for days. Wish I could shut off the thoughts. When that happens I don't find that much of the "focus on yourself " stuff helps - its like a head cold that needs to run its course. I still struggle with the injustice of it all - he screws up, is dishonest, lies, cheats, but at the end of the day, he's got a lovely new girlfriend and I'm left picking up the pieces.

The feeling of injustice is so hard. I put in the lion's share of the work to keep the relationship going, I was the thoughtful and doting partner while he was generally inconsiderate and distant, I loved him unconditionally, and in the end he gets to be the one to walk away and create the life he'd prefer, while I'm left standing among the ruins, knowing that no matter how good I was to him, in the end it didn't matter and that he'd prefer a life without that partnership. I'm the one with more to get over, and while logically I can accept the idea that my own anxieties and insecurities don't necessarily reflect what he's thinking or feeling, it's hard to keep from imagining that I'm sitting home crying and missing what we once had, while he's feeling liberated and moving on like the world didn't just shift. It hurts.

Yes, I've been there, except it was in the context of the marriage over and over, in a way-
He couldn't validate my emotions or experience because he only cared about himself. Read about narcissists and psychopaths, read about emotional abuse, find information out there that validates what you are going through- because he is never ever ever going to do that for you.
He may seem like he's moving on and is perfectly content in doing so- but so what- you are lucky to be rid of someone who would discard you and not look back- that shows such a lack of character- and that he is not the man you want to be with- not the one you deserve-
I did all the work in the relationship too- he just sat there- and when he was in a good mood maybe would give me some attention and affection, I went to counselors, read books, dragged him to two different marriage counselors, researched, tried to fix myself- and fell freaking apart- and then he hated the fact that I fell apart- he would never tell me the truth about anything until I had a foot out the door- years and years of that crap- and he turned out to be a completely different man than I thought he was- and he is not mine to save anymore, thank god!
You are stronger than you realize- you are worthy and attractive and desirable and awesome just as you are and when you get through this crazy time- you will find yourself, learn, and maybe someone who appreciates you will wander into your life-
You could not have done anything different, you could not have been anything better or more or whatever- he is the loser in this scenario- you are the winner of your freedom and a new life- a new chance to be the person you always wanted to be- you make your own decisions and don't have to worry about him anymore, let go let go let go!
HUGS!!!!!!

Sarasalt....You summed it up perfectly

I am one year and 5 months on from my wife of 18 years leaving me.
I now live with my girlfriend...but still your thoughts and feelings are valid to me now