I'm sorry you're going through this, there's no other pain like it unfortunately :(
I think if he is seeing someone then it may be over. My ex wife dropped the bombshell on me 7 months ago after 24 years together. It wasn't until several months later I learned there was someone else, probably the whole time. I guess the only advice I can give you is it's really over you have to start working on yourself. Www.breakuprecoveryguide.com is a great website with some tools and suggestions to move forward. For myself personally I couldn't move forward while still talking to my ex. I had to totally cut her off and I mean total. It was the only way to get her out of my head and it has really helped. It's definitely a marathon though, you're in for a long slog through some pain. But it does start to get better.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. It is horribly painful but it will get better. Last year my husband asked for a separation. He claimed he wanted to work things out though he admitted to being attracted to someone else. As it turns out, he fell in love with yet a different person. I too was unable to eat or sleep.

Looking back at the past year, I wish I had not been so focused on the fact that I didn't want the divorce and my desire to reconcile. That just caused me more pain in the end because it delayed my healing. Sometimes it's best to accept things at face value. In other words, assume that he really is done and plan accordingly. That does not mean you can't reevaluate if changes his mind. It just means that you're protecting yourself and your daughter if he doesn't.

When he said he was done with his job did he mean he plans on quitting? If so I'd contact an attorney immediately for a temporary support order based on his current income.

I am so very sorry for your situation. It sounds to me like you have been going through a hard time with this guy for quite a while.
I think if it were me, and I know everyone is different, I would want no more heartache with this man and walk away. Otherwise, I would be waiting for the other shoe to drop as there is no doubt in my mind that it will---sooner or later.

An Avatar on another board says;
"There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough"
Whatever you decide, I wish you luck. I really do not believe current husband deserves you.

Thank you all for your replies...I think what I'm most reeling from is the abrupt change in him coming to me and letting me know that he loves me and wanted to work on our marriage to his telling me he wants a divorce...There is no other pain like it, you're so right about that. I keep re-living the conversation over and over in my head and have to keep reminding myself not to blame myself. I've worked really hard in the past three years on bettering myself and have dealt with this (from the very beginning) with compassion and forgiveness (as much as I was able to). I knew that he was going through a lot personally and emotionally, and also know that when things get difficult, he has a tendency to completely withdraw. I talked to many people (including our therapist) who could not share much information regarding him, obviously. I thought maybe mid-life crisis, depression...just grasping at straws I guess.

That being said, I know that I have to protect both myself and my daughter and just don't know what the next steps are. I did ask that we both not make any rash decisions, as financially, we're in a pretty bleak place. (something he was dishonest about was using credit cards to pay bills - I was left in the dark).

I understand about holding on...It's just that in my intuition and gut
I truly feel that he does love me and does want to make this work. But for some reason (and this has a lot to do with his "emotional garbage can" as he likes to call it). I don't feel as though I can give up hope right now, but understand it would be an important part of healing to do so. It feels like my heart is in a million pieces. Thanks all for your support and kindness.

Mine did something similar. I found out he was having an emotional affair which turned out to be his escape from being a father. Turns out he hated being a father. We started couples counseling. He refused to consider medication or the possibility that he might have depression (he'd had depression before and it runs in his family) but said that he was willing to put in the work necessary to fix things. I bent over backward trying to make family life what he wanted, but it was never enough. Then he said he needed a "break" so he left and said he'd be back after he "recharged his batteries." He didn't know how long that would be but no more than 6 weeks. 7 months later, he has finally admitted he's not coming back. When I ask him what his vision is for the future, what does he want to happen to us, does he still think of this house as his home, he says he doesn't know. All he knows is that he thinks he'll be angry again if he comes back. So I'm left to raise a 6 and 3 year old alone while he visits once a week and comes to the kids' events like soccer games.
Get a credit card in your name only. I did that about 5 months into this "break" just to have some credit in my own name. If we got divorced our joint credit card accounts would have to be closed so we could separate them. I wanted to get credit while I could still claim his income on an application since I was a stay at home mom. He still doesn't know I have it and I don't feel obligated to tell him until it comes to listing assets. In the unlikely event that he decides he wants to come back and be a part of the family again, I will keep the card as insurance.

Life is long. Sometimes people separate and/or divorce, then months or years later they patch things back up. So, is any breakup REALLY permanent? Tough to say for sure at the outset. But in the meantime you really need to hope for the best and plan for the worse. A big part of that will require you to stop "reacting" to your husband's actions, and instead take a more proactive position about your life (and your daughter's). If he says "It's over," then you are entitled to take that at face value and act accordingly. Leave a door open, but be prepared if he doesn't walk through.

Hi there. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you guys have been working really, really hard to get your marriage back on track. I know if must be disappointing to have a setback of this magnitude.

I'm curious, what issues came out in the counseling that you guys have been working on?

I'm sorry you're going through this, but you will find lots of good advice and support on this site.

I know you don't want a divorce, but I think the first step you need to do is speak to an attorney, especially if he has moved out. You need to start copying tax documents, pay stubs, etc. Please don't allow yourself to think, "I know he will take care of me" because he is in the affair fog right now and is not thinking of anything but the ow. An attorney can help you protect yourself financially.

No need to discuss this with him, especially if he says he feels "violent." Rent a safe deposit box for important papers to keep.

Continue going to your counselor. During my divorce I had a great attorney and fabulous counselor. One took care of me financially and the other took care of me emotionally. You need this type of dynamic duo for yourself.

Sending hugs of strength.

I, eventually, asked for my divorce After months of working on it, coming up with every way possible to save it....even after I discovered the affair he was having which, in my gut, I knew was happening, I just didn't want to believe it.

I didn't want the divorce. I tried harder to save everything, but my ex's mind had been long ago made up. Once we lived separately (which seemed like a great idea at the time), he became a bachelor, and enjoyed his freedom. He was A-OK seeing our son every other weekend, etc. Clearly, his actions said ,"Yes, I want to move on", but he graced me with his presence at MC once a week, etc.

My point is, when we went from "ok" to "you're moving out" it was like, "Oh shit, this just got real." Somehow, and I wish I had the "Way" to explain it, you go on. You make a new normal. You do what you need to do and handle business.

I no longer do, but once upon a time, I wished he would just "do a little more" or "take MC a little more seriously".

I remember the exact date I woke up, was sitting at my kitchen table, and it hit me. I knew, at that moment, I was DONE. Maybe I stayed longer than I wanted because the comfort of misery is at least something I knew versus going out into the unknown, but I knew, that day, that the way it was, that moment, was NOT how I was going to live my life.

I am far enough away from it now that it doesn't emotionally drain me like it did back then, but I can say, life does go on. New routines/normals are established.

Whatever road you choose, take care of YOU. A healthy YOU is a better mom for your daughter.

Sending you lots of strength...

It's wonderful reading everyone's replies and awful at the same time...I want to be hopeful, yet realistic...I never imagined I might have to start over at my age...let alone this would make failed marriage #2. I don't feel ready to throw in the towel just yet, and maybe I'm only delaying the inevitable hurt and pain...So hard to understand when I don't have any answers. Everyone says it's best to give him space, but what they forget is that WAITING is the hardest part...