Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My boyfriend of almost a year left me almost 6 weeks ago because he was scared of how intense his feelings for me were becoming. Things were better than they'd ever been so I was kind of blindsided. Obviously, I was devastated. I know this hasn't been easy for him either, that he misses me, loves me and hates himself for hurting me.
His "coping mechanism" is to move on to a new relationship rather than deal with his feelings. (I'm not excusing his behavior but he witnessed extreme domestic violence as a child and his father left when he was 9 and was a real bastard to the family. This has impacted his ability to maintain a relationship or deal with his feelings. Again, not excusing it but it's not that he's a bad person - there is a foundation that causes this behavior.)
I'm not maintaining contact with him - it's too hard. He was wanting to try and joke with me through text messages and I told him he can't contact me again which he is respecting. Sunday night I got a text message from him asking if I would talk to him. I responded with "what is there to talk about" which he didn't answer. Later I looked at his text again and realized it was from 3 weeks ago...this was the first time I'd received it.
This text is making me crazy...wondering what why he wanted to talk to me. I don't know if it's a sign to reach out to him or if it's God's way of showing me he's protecting me.
This weekend was supposed to be special...our first date was last year on Labor Day weekend. We had planned to go away this weekend to a festival in the next state. Now I'm dreading 3 days alone. I hate the weekends...they feel so lonely and empty. We didn't spend every weekend together because he would have his kids but we at least talked. I feel like I've lost my best friend and miss him so much.
I find myself wanting to open that door back up (I had to completely shut it because it hurt to much to have any contact with him) and the thought of him spending the weekend with anyone else kills me. My head knows I shouldn't open that door but the desire to do so is almost overwhelming. Realistically, I know the same thing would probably happen again if we tried again and I can't go through this again. There were days that the pain was so intense, I thought it would kill me (I wasn't suicidal, just couldn't see how anyone could live through that much pain.) I just want this to get better and not be so hard. I'm doing everything I should be...exercising, sleeping, trying to stay busy, seeing a counselor but it doesn't seem to be helping and I'm having a lot of physical symptoms from the anxiety/stress. I don't know what more to do.
His "coping mechanism" is to move on to a new relationship rather than deal with his feelings. (I'm not excusing his behavior but he witnessed extreme domestic violence as a child and his father left when he was 9 and was a real bastard to the family. This has impacted his ability to maintain a relationship or deal with his feelings. Again, not excusing it but it's not that he's a bad person - there is a foundation that causes this behavior.)
I'm not maintaining contact with him - it's too hard. He was wanting to try and joke with me through text messages and I told him he can't contact me again which he is respecting. Sunday night I got a text message from him asking if I would talk to him. I responded with "what is there to talk about" which he didn't answer. Later I looked at his text again and realized it was from 3 weeks ago...this was the first time I'd received it.
This text is making me crazy...wondering what why he wanted to talk to me. I don't know if it's a sign to reach out to him or if it's God's way of showing me he's protecting me.
This weekend was supposed to be special...our first date was last year on Labor Day weekend. We had planned to go away this weekend to a festival in the next state. Now I'm dreading 3 days alone. I hate the weekends...they feel so lonely and empty. We didn't spend every weekend together because he would have his kids but we at least talked. I feel like I've lost my best friend and miss him so much.
I find myself wanting to open that door back up (I had to completely shut it because it hurt to much to have any contact with him) and the thought of him spending the weekend with anyone else kills me. My head knows I shouldn't open that door but the desire to do so is almost overwhelming. Realistically, I know the same thing would probably happen again if we tried again and I can't go through this again. There were days that the pain was so intense, I thought it would kill me (I wasn't suicidal, just couldn't see how anyone could live through that much pain.) I just want this to get better and not be so hard. I'm doing everything I should be...exercising, sleeping, trying to stay busy, seeing a counselor but it doesn't seem to be helping and I'm having a lot of physical symptoms from the anxiety/stress. I don't know what more to do.
The first HUGE red flag is he suffered abuse when he was little. That can mean he was damaged from that abuse and has been taught to be abusive. That's the way it happened with my husband.
Abusers do not have the ability to feel emotions like other people. I do think you are making the same excused for your boyfriend as I did for my husband.
You stated--- " My head knows I shouldn't open that door"
That is not your head, that is your gut. ALWAYS listen to your gut as your gut does NOT lie.
Abusers make people feel like they are going crazy, plus everything that goes wrong will be your fault.
He is trying to keep you on a string. He will repeat the same patterns in the future. I really hope you go no contact and do not let him back in. If it were me, knowing what I know now, I would run like the wind and never look back.
I wish you luck
I'm dealing with a lot of anger because he is the one that initiated a lot of the intensity. I know it takes two, but the fact is he encouraged me to be open with him, meet his friends, REALLY be a part of his life. And anytime I pulled back, he took it personally. He wanted me to meet his son, but his divorce wasn't final yet and he kept telling me his son was still having issues with the separation. So I pulled back on that also as a precaution for him and myself.
But then SPLAT! It was like being thrown from a runaway train.
No contact is very hard. But sometimes it helps me to think about what being in contact with him would REALLY be like. Not the fantasy, the reality) I believe we would talk in circles about our issues and further upset each other and impede each other's progress.
My ex was open with me about dating other people. He said he wanted to do that until his divorce was finalized and then see where we land after that. That information was NOT easy for me to hear, but I feel better knowing it rather than discovering it by accident when I'm not prepared.
I'm also having trouble getting back to the things I love because of this and a host of other issues I have. Hang in there. Take baby steps and let time do its work. It's really all we have. (besides each other here on DS)
And I agree about gut feelings...I just feel like there's this huge hole in my life and I feel so empty inside.
Thanks for your support.
playerapr - Thank you, I'm not feeling very strong right now. Just feeling very broken and not feeling like I'll ever be ok again. I'm sure I will...just not feeling it yet.