When someone shows you how terrible they really are, believe them. He is not worthy of your love and devotion. He is a toad...no matter how many times you kiss him, he will remain a toad. A user, deceiver and cheater. Please, please, please do not waste anymore time on him. Read Aunt Alex's Army Manual: How to Free Yourself. You also need to get yourself a counselor. Be thankful he is out of your life. Be thankful you did not have children with this man.
I know it is hard. I have been where you have been. My ex was my best friend and confidant. I did not see his cheating. I only saw how sweet and kind he was to me. And when I did see things that were out of the ordinary he blamed me for making things up. Sometimes I thought I was crazy. I stayed with him for 26 years! I wish I knew then what I know now.
But please read that book and see a therapist for you, not for you marriage.

Oh, and you need to completely cut him out of your life. Stop talking to him. I know that is so hard. If you want to call or text him, have a go to friend to call. Or go for a walk. Soon you will train your brain to stop depending on hearing from him. Do not answer his calls or texts either. You have your whole life ahead of you to find someone who is worthy of you.

Thank you so much Giselle :). Its just very difficult. I just thought i was at the point of maintaining a friendship but i was clearly wrong.

Hi J,
My STBX told me that he was leaving the door open for friendship but I told him that after what he's done to me as his wife there was no way I could ever be friends with him. I firmly believe that the reason he told you that you made him miserable after cheating on you--he's blame shifting, trying to make it your fault instead of taking responsibility for his own actions. That's a bunch of horse hockey. Don't fall for it. He cheated, not you, and no matter how he tries to pin the blame for his cheating on you, it was HIS choice to cheat, not yours. We all have choices to make but we also must be prepared to face the consequences, good or bad, for our decisions. He clearly hasn't.

Why do you want to be friends with someone that treated you so poorly and manipulates you? He was not a good husband and he will not be a good friend.
My ex also wanted to be friends and at first I thought I could. But he continued to lie to me even when I did not care about what he was talking about. He turned things around on me saying I was just believing everything people said. And they turned out to be true! Only when he was caught red handed did he admit.
He still emails me asking when I think we could be friends again and talk. I ignore them. That is the only way. I have to admit, after I get the email it makes me go several paces backwards, after I worked to so hard to be where I am. I need to get to the point where I do not even open his messages and just delete them. I am still working on that. Curiosity kills me, in more ways than one.
You will get to a much better place without all the drama in your life, I promise. Do not feed into it. Keep coming back here. Work out, eat right, make sure you sleep and surround yourself with positive, encouraging people. Good luck.

Jgarc - sorry he is still playing games with you and jerking you around. You don't deserve that. I think he is probably just trying to keep you hopeful that there could be a future and then putting the blame on you so you'll either beg for his forgiveness or do anything and everything to try and change his mind. He has repeatedly shown you what type of guy he is and I hope you can see that and just let him go so he doesn't keep hurting you. I think a lot of us try to be friends with the X but I really don't know how realistic that is (maybe once we have fully healed and truly moved on, a friendship could work). Sending you hugs

Thank you guys. Sadly I know what I need to do, but my stupid heart wants something else. Need to work on this!

Hi Jgarc: I told you many months ago that I would like to see you take his picture out back and throw darts at it.

This guy has not been your soft place to fall, has not been fair with you, he has been emotionally abusive with you so many times, and in no way qualifies to be your "friend" now. So it's finally time to face reality and know that this guy is not "friend" material and is actually enemy material.

And he just told you that you "make him miserable after the mistakes he made." Don't you just want to kick him in the butt so hard that your good looking shoes replace his teeth? This guy was cheating on you and golly gee, his clothes just fell off by off by accident with that woman?

Now put him on block on your cell phone, on your home phone and on your computer, on your Facebook or any other social accounts you have and get off his Facebook or other accounts you are on of his. You don't give someone that abuses you access to you to keep abusing you.

It reminds me of a Christmas Card that is my favorite. It has photos of two very un-thrilled cats on the cover and one is wearing a santa hat and the other reindeer antlers and it says:

"WHY SANTA DOESN'T USE CATS."

The one cat says "Pull your own stupid sleigh, Fat Boy!"
The other cat just goes "Yawn."

Everybody who knows cats loved that card because it was such a typical reaction by cats. So Jgarc, I want you to develop CATITUDE--which is Cat Attitude and it's a tough attitude where you care for yourself and buzz off to others that bother you LIKE YOUR HUSBAND. My cat The Boss has a beautiful face but even she morphs that face into the "stink face" when she is really pissed off.

You just adopt CATITUDE and you can do this because you are worth taking care of yourself and telling your husband to buzz off, but my cat The Boss would use stronger language. Many hugs and I care.

Thank you so much! and yes i need to put on my CATITUDE! All the heartache i have experienced since he left is all my fault. I am the only one that can stop this cycle.

I read through your previous post and i am sorry you are hurting but here is the thing. If I found this out I would have been just as upset as you were.

Here is what he is doing. He made a mistake and he is liar. What he did was create a situation where you were to blame. He set this all up. He wanted to take the blame off of him and put it on you. My ex would do that all of the time. Don't beat yourself up about it. He is the one that broke trust in your marriage and what happen there after isn't your fault but how you proceed here on out is.

I wouldn't be with him. You are better than that. Once a cheat always a cheat. Don't give him another way to hurt you. I know its hard to leave. I stayed with someone long past the expiration but what I learned is that there is ALWAYS someone out there who will love you and want you.

I know that feeling when you are going through your day and you get a thought in your mind about what your husband did or how he touched someone and how she made him feel. I know that pain runs so deep and it still bothers me with my ex but than I think of how far I have come and how I am attractive to others and how that now I am single I am able to make choices in my life of who I want to be with and not be with..

I know its hard and it does take a while to get better but don't let him drag you down. You have a right to walk away and decide your happiness. I can't tell you to leave him but you have to ask yourself do you deserve that? I don't know you personally but I can tell you that YOU DON'T.

Also the heartache you feel isn't your fault its a sign that you are a good person. It wasn't something in you that made him leave it was his inability to be a man. Someone told me once:

You aren't less of a person because of someones inability to see your talents.

I don't know if you've ever seen the wizard of oz but there was a part where Dorthy visited OZ and thought he was this great and powerful being but later on she found out who he was when she pulled back the curtain. Look at it this way. You found out who he was and you have the ability to follow a new yellow brick road.

dsb188 - Thanks so much for those words. It had always been his duty to make me feel guilty for the the way i reacted after i found out he cheated. Your words were very comforting :)