Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
New to the site. I looked around last week on here & thought it was cool how people were sharing their stories with each other & supporting one another so I thought I would give it a try.
My divorce became final earlier this year (though my ex moved out last March). I felt like I was taking the necessary steps to move forward & get on with my life. What I guess I didn't realize was that I was repressing a lot of emotions which over time have caused me some depression/anxiety issues. I really want to feel "normal" again so I sought out a psychologist to work through some of my issues. I guess one of the biggest things I need to do is talk about my situation more & work the emotions out, so here goes . . .
I was married for the better part of 7 years. We have 2 boys (6 & 4 ) which is a blessing but makes our current situation difficult. She & I had a good relationship for several years, but we worked opposite schedules & over time became "ships passing in the night." After the boys were born, life became more about them than about us (which is probably pretty normal). Over time, we became more distant from each other, but I didn't realize how bad things were until I discovered papers in the mail from an attorney that indicated she was looking into getting a divorce. I suggested counseling, but she had no interest. I don't know exactly when she made the decision. I'm also not positive (but reasonably certain) that she may have started seeing someone else(or multiple someone elses) after she had emotionally checked out. Knowing how stubborn she is, I didn't really fight over the divorce, though I was emotionally crushed & feel like we could have worked things out.
We were/are very amicable when it came to dividing things & working out a schedule with the boys. I get along great with her family (who treat me as though nothing has changed). I feel like those are great things, but I also feel like I can't reach a state/feeling of closure. I still have to see her multiple times each week when picking up/dropping off the boys so "no contact" is not an option. The thing that kills me the most is how nonchalant she is about everything & how easy it seems to be for her to have moved on. I don't know that she cares about the emotional damage she has done. I also worry about the day when the boys start asking questions. They are too young to understand things & right now, they think nothing of being at mommy's house on some days & daddy's house on others.
I feel like in the long run, I will be fine. I also hope that one day she'll realize she made a mistake (though the damage she has done is far too much for us to ever be together again). And if she ever does feel that way, she'll probably be too stubborn to ever admit it. But right now, I know I'm not there & am struggling on a daily basis to work toward "normalcy."
I rambled on longer than I expected to there. Good to get this out. Any comments, questions, suggestions are welcome. Thanks.
My divorce became final earlier this year (though my ex moved out last March). I felt like I was taking the necessary steps to move forward & get on with my life. What I guess I didn't realize was that I was repressing a lot of emotions which over time have caused me some depression/anxiety issues. I really want to feel "normal" again so I sought out a psychologist to work through some of my issues. I guess one of the biggest things I need to do is talk about my situation more & work the emotions out, so here goes . . .
I was married for the better part of 7 years. We have 2 boys (6 & 4 ) which is a blessing but makes our current situation difficult. She & I had a good relationship for several years, but we worked opposite schedules & over time became "ships passing in the night." After the boys were born, life became more about them than about us (which is probably pretty normal). Over time, we became more distant from each other, but I didn't realize how bad things were until I discovered papers in the mail from an attorney that indicated she was looking into getting a divorce. I suggested counseling, but she had no interest. I don't know exactly when she made the decision. I'm also not positive (but reasonably certain) that she may have started seeing someone else(or multiple someone elses) after she had emotionally checked out. Knowing how stubborn she is, I didn't really fight over the divorce, though I was emotionally crushed & feel like we could have worked things out.
We were/are very amicable when it came to dividing things & working out a schedule with the boys. I get along great with her family (who treat me as though nothing has changed). I feel like those are great things, but I also feel like I can't reach a state/feeling of closure. I still have to see her multiple times each week when picking up/dropping off the boys so "no contact" is not an option. The thing that kills me the most is how nonchalant she is about everything & how easy it seems to be for her to have moved on. I don't know that she cares about the emotional damage she has done. I also worry about the day when the boys start asking questions. They are too young to understand things & right now, they think nothing of being at mommy's house on some days & daddy's house on others.
I feel like in the long run, I will be fine. I also hope that one day she'll realize she made a mistake (though the damage she has done is far too much for us to ever be together again). And if she ever does feel that way, she'll probably be too stubborn to ever admit it. But right now, I know I'm not there & am struggling on a daily basis to work toward "normalcy."
I rambled on longer than I expected to there. Good to get this out. Any comments, questions, suggestions are welcome. Thanks.
Poster - so sorry for your situation - I know how tough all this can be for you and everyone involved. Even the person who wants out suffers in their own way - they just aren't as devastated as the person who's dumped - we feel abandoned and rejected on top of the other million emotions and that is why we are a wreck and they do so much better.
Poster - I'll also add this - and first let me say that you are displaying good signs and I can tell you want to get better.
You mention towards your closing that you hope one day she realizes that she made a mistake but that the damage is too much for ya'll to get back together - Here is my take - THAT statement shows denial on your part - you are having trouble wrapping your mind around the possiblity of people simply falling out of love - especially when love isn't fed - that happens with folks who have small kids - they drift apart - it's sad, but it happens.
Most of the times by the time a woman files for divorce, when there wasn't cheating, abuse, etc or other negative things going on, she's done. Her feelings are no longer vested - that is why is so easy for her to work out schedules, the kids, etc, without feeling upset - her feelings aren't caught up any longer. She can leave emotions out of the deal.
It's awesome that you sought professional help and you are venting here - your concern about the kids are legit - ask tons of questions during your session to figure out if you should talk to them now or wait till they are older. Many kids of divorce parents do well - especially if the parents get along. This isn't the optimal situation for kids - but kids also know when they aren't in a home with parents who love each other.
You will reach that normalcy that you so much crave - hang in there.
Best wishes.
I'm glad you're able to get along with your ex, that is half the battle when children are involved.
I can say time does help but it really is a minute to minute battle some days. We may never know the why's of our situation and once I realized I didn't need to know the why's (per my counselor) I was able to let that part go, it was kind of freeing. Once we accept our situation, we can start to move forward and find peace, contentment, happiness and maybe even another relationship if we so choose........
Good luck, hang in there!!! hugs
I could write a book on emotional damage and an ex that moved on without a care. It stings for sure, but know she did it because she is weak and can't deal with it on her own. There comes a point though when you get tired of carrying the emotional baggage around and will let it go. I'm not saying it's easy. It took me three years, and more emotional roller coaster rides than I can count.
No contact wasn't an option for me either, but try to keep communication to a minimum and avoid any topics that don't have to do with the kids. They will probably ask questions someday, but you might ask the psychologist for the best way to address those questions when/if they come up.
Cliche as it sounds, just take it a day at a time, and put one foot in front of the other. Some days are going to be tougher than others, but the investment in yourself and your healing will be well worth your effort. Post when you need to. You've got a ton of support here. Hang in there!