Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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rgruendl 11/18/2015

Hey guys I am new here. I have been separated now for 11 weeks. My wife left t the end of august with our 2 children and moved 120 miles away. I started looking for a job in that area right away and obtained one within 5 weeks. I started training with the company 3 weeks ago, unfortunately the training is 13 weeks long and all of it is 60-200 miles away from my family. I have been to counseling and and my counselor no longer feels that their is anything that she can do for me as she feels that she has given me all of the tools she can.

When we separated my wife was on a dating website after 6 days and was lying to me 2 weeks after that as to what she was doing and she is going out with guys now. She just finally started to be honest and tell me that she has decided to date. I have tried to set a boundary with her as that pertains to me and that I did not want to be around the people that she is dating and the guys that she is talking to. She completely overstepped that boundary and brought him with her when she dropped the kids off to me this past weekend.

I feel like she is always trying to manipulate me and keep me on "the hook" so to speak in the event that her dating does not work out. She is always trying to get her way when it comes to things and if she feels like I am straying from the hook it seems like she does little things to keep me on the hook. For the first time this past monday it didn't work. I do want to be with her and I do want to reconcile but at what cost? I feel so lost and alone and don't know how to handle all of this. Every time that I try to step back I feel like she tries to "reel" me back in. Anybody have any sound advice?

sakuraowl 11/18/2015

My first thought is divorce her. Get the custody arrangement in check. She has clearly checked out . She is using you now. You gotta know there is no real saving the marriage if she is wanting to date people. Do you want to accept that? Can you forgive that? You don't even know where you stand. That is not a way to live. You have a gut feeling she is manipulating you , then you are more then likely correct.
Divorce is a seperation of assets. A relationship does not need a paper, it needs trust, love, respect and it doesn't seem she has that for you, I may sound direct and of course I don't know your full situation , but I don't want you to waste your time being her back up plan. Love yourself enough to say goodbye.

rgruendl 11/18/2015

We have had a separation agreement drawn up. I am struggling to let go. I don't want to become bitter about the whole thing and hate the world. She keeps asking if I am dating and I don't know why. She keeps dropping statements like "I am not off the market yet. We could still reconcile before the divorce papers are signed" and she didn't want to take the reconciliation clause out of the agreement because "of something happens between us I don't want the clock to start over". I know that now I need to set boundaries but every time I do get actions pretty much say "f*** your boundaries". I am just so tired of feeling this way.

MyTrueColors 11/18/2015

I agree w/sakuraowl.

It's hard to let go when the other person is pulling the strings. So it's up to you to cut those strings. The best way to do that is to go No Contact except for things that have to do with the kids. And that can be done thru emails. If necessary, have that stipulation added to the separation agreement.

It sounds like she wants to have her fun and keep you around for when she doesn't have someone else on her 'string.'

It might be helpful to find a new therapist. Maybe someone who specializes in grief. Divorce is a multi-faceted loss. They say it's worse than death because the person is still around to remind you of what you lost. And its especially hard to let go when kids are involved. So it would really be helpful to get some grief therapy for yourself. In addition, the therapist should be able to help/teach you to create & keep healthy boundaries.

The thing about boundaries is that its up to you to enforce them. You set them for yourself and if someone infringes on them, you let them know and if they still do it, then its up to you to enforce them. Plus when we make changes the other person will do whatever they can to get us to go back to the way things were.

Love & respect yourself enough to take good care of you and set/keep healthy boundaries. By doing this you will be teaching your kids a very valuable skill/lesson.

~healing hugs~

rgruendl 11/18/2015

I agree with the setting boundaries is up to me. I try to talk to my children once a day. I don't want them to think that I am no longer their father. I have truly come to realize the person that she is and am working to cut those strings. As for the no contact it is hard when I try to talk to my children at least once a day. She always has to bring up something and I kind of feel like an a hole if I ignore her because that is not the person that I am. I guess my main thing is how do I cut those strings? It seems like such an impossible task and every time I bring up something or I say something she twists my words or makes it seem like something that it isn't. I am counting down the 10 more weeks to when I can move down there and finally being my kids home with me. I have to do the vast majority of seeing them at her families house because I don't have a place down there yet.

kbbcoop77 11/18/2015

Well she's dating and bringing the new guy around your kids and bringing him around you but wants you to sit tight while she parties it up because she MIGHT come back and you'll be in her good graces.

My advice is end this now. She's gone, she's disrespecting you and the kids. She's a narcissist and only cares about herself and HER happiness. Screw that. Set up boundaries. Get yourself used to her being out of your life. It takes a long time to get comfortable with this but you have to think of yourself and your kids. She needs to feel the consequences of her choices. Let her experience life without you in it

rgruendl 11/18/2015

From my understanding she is dating more than just one guy. Just from what she has said. I am struggling to find the median between continuing to be an amazing father and in doing so that crossing over into the husband zone. I am trying to keep it just about the kids but sometimes when she calls me and we talk about the kids its identical to conversations that we would have about the kids when we were still living under the same roof. Prime example she just called and was telling me about something cute that my son did and was very sweet and pleasant about it when last night she was being very unpleasant when i brought up the thing about her dating guys and then bringing them around the children. I want to hear about my childrens day but i dont want to cross the line into that husband zone because it tugs at me. how do i show her what life is like without me and continue to be a great father and hear all about my childrens day?

kbbcoop77 11/18/2015

How old are your kids? You need to set up a visitation plan if you haven't. That's your time to be with them and show them how you're a great dad.

rgruendl 11/18/2015

My kids are 3 and 8 months. it kills me to not talk to them though. I just don't want them to think that I don't love them anymore. I am especially concerned with my daughter as she is just now starting to remember things and have object permanence. I don't want her to not know that I am her dad.

kbbcoop77 11/18/2015

Ouch that's too bad. Your ex is a piece of work doing this to the kids. I would've been infuriated if my ex did this when my 2 were young. I don't have experience coparenting such young kids with an ex, I'm sure it breaks you up. I hope it works out for you, just be there for them when you can. I raised my wife's son from her previous marriage since he was 2 (he's 27 now yikes) but his dad fell off the planet and wouldn't pick him up etc..divorces suck especially for the kids. Sorry your going through this.

rgruendl 11/18/2015

Thanks. Yeah it sucks and now because the only place I can visit with the kids is at her family's house she wants me to take them somewhere else to visit with them but unfortunately I don't have anywhere else to take them until I can get a place down there. She wants to set some "ground rules" with her father as to what I can do while I am at the house with them. Its frustrating because I just want to spend quality time with my kids but she is making it harder and harder.

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