Hi Cyclone: As my therapist used to say: why not you? Are you different or supposed to go through life without experiencing the hurt and pain of relationships? Other people go through hurt and pain, and you're just like other people too and go through hurt and pain.

Actually when you break up and go through hurt and pain, you eventually come out of it. And if you're smart you'll do an autopsy of the relationship (taking all the emotion out of it first) to find truthfully everything that went wrong and be honest with yourself about what you did wrong and what your spouse did wrong. As Dr. Phil mentioned, what you learn from that (and hopefully you learn) is tuition towards life.

When someone shows you who they are--believe them. Your girlfriend has a family that is very dysfunctional, criminal, and she apparently believes without doubt. That means the relationship you had with your girlfriend was bound to fail. That wasn't the life you wanted to be in.

So let her go and be grateful that you didn't marry her. Unless you had children with her, why is there a money issue.







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Her brother was added to my phone account.. He didnt pay after the first month and racked up a bunch of adult hot line calls that he refused to pay. He said take him to court... I did and won..... Her mother has stolen from me, not much, but it was the principle. Her cousin took advantage of my apartment situation in my house. My gf recently got into an accident, it was my gf's fault, with a car in my name and now I am handling the situation. I will most likely have to pay for the accident. I know she is emotionally abusive, but I cannot stop crying over her. I want her. I dont want her to leave. I am a mess. Now she says she has put thousands into the houses. Both houses that I bought. I supported her when I was in Afghanistan. Bought her a jeep, the jeep was totaled in a hail storm.Bought her a car, that was the car stolen by her daughter. Am I just a resource to her>>>>> why does she not love me the way I love her?

You're going to have to buck up if you're going to be dealing with all non-break up stuff. And you need counseling. NO ONE should treat you like this, leave you, and you be wanting them back so much and you know they will only mistreat you again and again. That's a sign that your dignity and self respect have dropped so low and you have to decide you are worth far more that this woman has the ability to provide. She is something the garbage man picks up every day.

AND you should treat yourself better than you do. By allowing people to do the things they have to you and to take advantage of you, you have taught people that they can treat you like a chump and that's okay. NO, you have to treat yourself better and in so doing, you set boundaries for yourself (rules) that you don't break.

--You don't add others to your phone account--they are responsible for their own phones, finances, etc..

--You don't lend out your cars. You are ultimately responsible when someone borrows your car and crashes it into someone else or kills someone else. Plus the injuries the driver sustains goes to your insurance company and you and you can be sued by her for them. So you say NO to lending out your car.

--You don't buy other people large ticket items like motor vehicles. Because they should love you for who you are and not what you can provide for them.

-- You don't set up conditions to allow someone's mother steal from you.

-- You don't let someone's cousin take advantage of your apartment. They shouldn't even have access to your apartment.


My suggestion is to get an attorney (not a divorce attorney) and have the attorney deal with getting this bunch out of your life--but you have to slap yourself to consciousness and dump her out of your life for good.

And by the way, your ex may probably go after your auto insurance company and you for any injuries she may claim from her auto accident that she was involved with in your car. All because you were the owner of the car.

If the changes to the home and the thousands of dollars she claims she spent were done without your approval, she may have a hard time claiming that money. So the attorney could tell you about that.

You're a pigeon and this group used you for everything. Time to start putting yourself first and not others.

Thank you for being so honest. The car is in my name, however, she is on my insurance. She was in the wrong for the accident, however, no injuries were sustained. The other party simply wants their body work repaired. I will probably be responsible for that. How can she not SEE what her family has done to me and why I do not care to be around them. Her cousin was allowed to live in our apartment in the house under the condition that she would get off drugs. Well, that never happened, so she was asked to leave. Two weeks later, the door to the apartment was smashed in. A girl was looking for her cousin and was not happy with her. Am I too compassionate?

It is not being compassionate. It is called being codependent and is when you consistently place the interests of others above your own.

You NEVER, EVER, EVER lend your apartment to anyone that is involved with drugs. If it had been raided and she had drugs in there and you are the owner, you would have gotten dragged to the police station too. That wasn't being compassionate, it was turning your head and looking away from a train crash that was about to happen. Your place could have been burned to the ground or someone murdered in there. That was not a smart thing to do.

Depending on the state, the statute of limitations for your ex filing a lawsuit for injuries from the car accident can be anywhere from 2 years on. So right now you really don't know for sure if she will claim injuries and she may not have told you anything and may be seeing a doctor and may already have seen an attorney (who will tell her not to discuss it with you). Don't count anything out.

And ultimately it's not about why SHE can't see what her family does--it's why YOU can't see and recognize her and her family are not good for you and let them all go. You cannot expect for other people to set and maintain boundaries for you and that is your job to do. You set no boundaries and all of them ran you down, backed over you and ran you over repeatedly.

So what do you want for the rest of your life? If you want her so bad, then run to her now but don't complain.

Here is from CODA and is the patterns of codependency:
-------------------------

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

Denial Patterns:

I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter, or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.
I lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
I label others with my negative traits.
I can take care of myself without any help from others.
I mask my pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
I express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
I do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom I am attracted.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:

I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge what I think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
I am embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
I value others approval of my thinking, feelings, and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
I constantly seek recognition that I think I deserve.
I have difficulty admitting that I made a mistake.
I need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and will even lie to look good.
I am unable to ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I perceive myself as superior to others.
I look to others to provide my sense of safety.
I have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
I have trouble setting healthy priorities.

Compliance Patterns:

I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
I put aside my own interests in order to do what others want.
I am hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
I am afraid to express my beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
I accept sexual attention when I want love.
I make decisions without regard to the consequences.
I give up my truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.

Control Patterns:

I believe most people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
I freely offer advice and direction to others without being asked.
I become resentful when others decline my help or reject my advice.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I want to influence.
I use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be needed in order to have a relationship with others.
I demand that my needs be met by others.
I use charm and charisma to convince others of my capacity to be caring and compassionate.
I use blame and shame to emotionally exploit others.
I refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
I adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
I use terms of recovery in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
I pretend to agree with others to get what I want.

Avoidance Patterns:

I act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward me.
I judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
I avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a means of maintaining distance.
I allow my addictions to people, places, and things to distract me from achieving intimacy in relationships.
I use indirect and evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
I diminish my capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use all the tools of recovery.
I suppress my feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
I pull people toward me, but when they get close, I push them away.
I refuse to give up my self-will to avoid surrendering to a power that is greater than myself.
I believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
I withhold expressions of appreciation.

How long have you been dating this woman?

About 4 years?

I know it is hard when a relationship ends in such a way like this, but look at it realistically......she is actually doing you a favour!
It looks as sounds like her family have used and abused your kindness and good heart..................so now it is time to take control of your own life and take care of yourself!!
AsTimegoesBy has very aptly given you the patterns and characteristics of Codependency to read, and very rightly too, because it looks like you have allowed others to take advantage of you because it made you feel like you were being kind and helpful, meanwhile you were mainly enabling them to be abusive to you.
Please do yourself the favour of moving on from this woman and the relationship.....it was not a healthy one, and definitely not good for you. She is not worth it!

I would have to say that Heather's family might not have any clue of how they have hurt me. Heather keeps telling me I need to forgive her daughter for stealing the car. That it was a "mistake". Her daughter just had a baby, and now everyone is thinking she is such a wonderful person because of it. Drives me nuts.

agree with the "why not you" comment and the co dependent post.

Where is your self respect?? at what point do you draw a line with unacceptable behavior? because reading this it looks like she could shoot you and you'd still want her. You don't want her by the way. You just don't want to have to deal with yourself and your own issues. She's a big distraction.

This isn't about her. It's about you - you need help. Stat. See a counselor and stop all communication with this woman and her family.

Cyclone - I'm just going to be honest here and say that you don't have a dog in this fight, buddy. The GF isn't going to give up on her daughter, esp now that the daughter is pregnant. She's Grandma now.

The daughter sounds like a hot mess, but she's your GF's hot mess...and you will probably always be second fiddle in this relationship.

no matter how awful her family is, it's her family and it never works out too well when the BF has issues with them.
All the energy you put into her and helping, now do it for yourself. Keep busy, read, see a counsellortry to stay away from her. This isn't a good situation for you and it's a toxic relationship. Learn from this and figure out why you ended up with her so as not to make the mistake in your next relationship.