I have only been in two significant relationships as well. I haven't moved on from my STBX yet. I knew I had moved on from my first husband when he said the same old hurtful things and they had absolutely no effect on me. What used to make me sad or angry just rolled off of my back. We had this game we played. He would be verbally abusive and try to leave. I would defend my character and try to keep him from leaving by any means necessary. Once I got healthy, he tried the usual tactics and I no longer felt the need to defend myself and just said, "So you say" in response to his put downs. I had no desire to chase him. That is when he started chasing me. He went berserk when I just walked away. I spent years of chasing him only to realize that he never had any intention of leaving. He just wanted me to chase him. I have to say, it was gratifying to see him flipping out when he no longer had any control over me.

I think it can be hard. The fact that you "only" have been involved in 2 relationships is testimony to your commitment and perseverance. So don't look down about that. I am 38 and have only been in 2 relationships also....well 3 if you count my high school boyfriend :) Who of coarse I dated all 4 years .... :) Anyway point being we change ...we grow...get to know the adult you...you may love who you are and be surprised how happy you are "by yourself" for a while...

Tammib, I know what your saying about you know you have moved on when it rolls off your back, thats how I know I have not moved on. Like you, once I was done with the relationship, all of a sudden I was his love of life and I kicked him out for no reason. He was heart broke and wanted back together. He treated me like a non-entity for years. Now I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread and his life is ruined and its all my fault.
But I am afraid to talk to him. I'm afraid he would tare me to shreds with his ugliness and blame. Purple18, I remember one of our last ugly exchanges he said to me, " I should have known not to trust you, you left your ex-husband, you cannot commit." REALLY......are you kidding? I'm so afraid to get in another relationship because I do commit, and I don't want to waist another decade with a jerk, I'm getting a little old to start over.

I commend you for this post. I feel like you in that I tie my identity too much to my relationship with my partner. Moving on is going to be, being yourself 100%, being happy with who you are and not relying on that other person to supply who you are or your happiness.

I don't get it myself, but I know it's true. I feel dumbfounded when I think about being happy alone, that doesn't make sense for me yet. But like you, I'm going to have to learn to move on and be happy alone.

Im on a roller coaster ride right now with my feelings. I have been in 2 relationships since i was 21. 19 years with my husband. 3 with my bf. The bf being the one who broke my heart. This was almost 8 months ago.

Today I sit here and wonder what is so wrong with being by myself for awhile? I know there are times Im bored, but there are times that Im thankful that I can do what I want when I want to do it. I'm starting to wonder why its so important to have a man in my life? Im starting to get out more with old friends, new friends, co workers, and then every other weekend I have my kids so my life isn't empty. Maybe I need to sit back and enjoy it. When the time comes to feel like getting back out there I guess I will try, but maybe for a little while longer I will try to make myself happy.

LOL. now this is today. Tomorrow I may be crying out my eyes in missing by ex, but one day at a time right?

I guess that is true. I am lost. I'm not sure who I am. I also lost my job last year as well. I don't know what direction to go. And it feels like something needs to happen to "MOVE ON." Thats an action statement. But he lived in my house, so he moved. I love where I live, small town. I want to stay here, its my home, but a little piece of me thinks to "move on" my whole life has to change, or maybe a little piece of me just wants a great big distraction, like up heaving my life, to avoid the sadness that is creeping in on me. The last 4 years have brought much loss. My Mom and Brother passed, I lost a great job that kept me financially independent and secure for 10 years. then the loss of my relationship. I'd run away, but theres no place I like better then my home.

Oh I understand all the issues. Since my divore 3.5 years ago. I lost both my parents. Now am in a situation that I will need to be looking for a new job. Ive been with this company almost 12 years.

I do know how you are feeling. It seems like i just cant get ahead. Like just keeps kicking me. My first an foremost concern needs to making money. The one thing about being single is you have no backup support if something happens. that scares the beejeezus out of me.

One step at a time. When my life is crumbling around me and I dont know how much more I can take, I cry, I yell, I talk to my parents in heaven, and then a little later Im not as bad.

We just need to wake up everyday and take the challenges sent our way.

Sorry for how you all feel. It's been close to 8 months for me and even when I believe I have feelings for this person, I have moved on. I don't think we need to totally stop loving someone to move on. To me moving on is when we accept that we are better off and we do not want to go backwards. It's not getting into a new relationship or moving to a new town - it's walking away frm the relationship and not looking back - even if u still have feelings for the person.

Now - I can relate to all the overwhelming stress, pain, fear. I have experienced several losses myself since 2008 - people passing away thought me that it's crucial to live every day like it was our last day so to me that mindset of "one day at a time" - doesn't cut it - what I see is - "this might be my last day" - I am going to live it to the max b/c tomorrow is not promised.

I believe whatever we think it's what we are or become - If I think I'm sad, I will be sad - If I think I have moved on - that's just that, I did.

We stay in relationships that make us miserable to finally break away and still be sad? - then how many more days of our lives are we going to sit around being unhappy even when we left? What was the point of leaving? I understand, it takes courage, guts and strength - but I believe we can do it.

Stay strong - good luck.

Moving on never means getting in another relationship. Moving on means letting go from the relationship you had, getting past the pain, hurt and grieving, and starting a new life on your own. When you jump from one relationship into another one, you never really heal and use relationships as "crutches" to try to get over the past relationship.

Someone that gets involved with you with the intention of trying to "improve you" actually does not accept you for who you are and they really aren't a good match for you. You always want someone who accepts you for who you are.

Some people take up exercise, others join book reading groups, others take classes, etc. all to get them out and among people. It's a good idea. If there's a hobby you've always wanted to do like photography, this would be a great time to take a class in it so that you get together with the group and learn and get the feel of it. Many like photography.

It sounds its it was really alot of emotional abuse. Its hard to deal with someone who thinks you aren't enough. What that tells me is that they are insecure and want you to because what they want you to be. Its hard. I've been in a relationship where I was with someone who constantly complained about what I was doing and how I did down to loading the dishwasher.

What I realized once I ended the long term relationship was everything he said that I wasn't I WAS and actually more. I found that what he didn't like other people liked wheather it be body, personality, cooking etc.

Someone told me "You not wanting me was the beggining of me wanting myself" Its hard because its almost like being brainwashed in a relationship but you can move on.

Find out what you love, take up a new hobby, write down something you like about yourself everyday and keep it in a jar. I found that being by myself was empowering. It meant that if I wanted to be with someone I could but it also means I can have more discretion on who I choose to be with.

Enjoy being able to be you because you are so special. Maybe this guy didn't see it but I think he saw how special you were and was just intimidated by it.

Thank You all for your advice. I am, by the way, a photo bug, and have been doing much with that this year. dsb188, " "You not wanting me was the beggining of me wanting myself" Its hard because its almost like being brainwashed in a relationship but you can move on."

There is something there that really hits me. When you are told endlessly that you are not okay, right down to loading the dishwasher, you try and change so you will be okay. Something inside really hears that. I had to get out so I could be me. Not walking on egg shells because every choice I made was wrong. I learned allot about not criticizing, because I was on the other end and I know how painful it is to never be okay.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I am a shutter bug, and I have been getting very in to my photography this past year. I'm even getting paid a little money. It helps pay for the equipment and supplies. I don't consider myself a professional, but a very good amateur.

dsb188, your line, " "You not wanting me was the beggining of me wanting myself" Its hard because its almost like being brainwashed in a relationship but you can move on. "

That really hit me. being criticized for everything that I am, made me really want a chance to be me, and not be walking on egg shells trying to be what somebody else needed me to be to make them okay. I also learned not to be so critical of others. When you are constantly on the receiving end of criticism, it tears you down. I don't ever want to make anyone else feel like that.

ooops, I didn't realize there was a second page. I thought my post didn't go through and re wrote it. Such is life.......Thank you all.