Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
Here goes...I have been part of this group for a bit now and I really have appreciated you all opening up and sharing your lives, stories and hearts with everyone! It is incredibly inspiring to see everyone so bravely asking for help and sharing....I on the the other hand have not been so brave yet.
So here goes....I was married for 16 years. Loved my husband. Loved my family. We were married young ...22 and 24 and had our bumps but I always felt we "grew up" together...and it would all be a part of our love story...We have 2 amazing boys.
In 2011 he had an "emotional affair" as he and counselor called it back then. He met a young lady thru work and emailed, texted and talked with her for months. I found out because of my instinct, gut and ultimately a dream. The emails and texts that I did see we devastating...very sexual, pet names and talking about me and our boys so nonchalant . He claimed that "was it"... never touched her, was so sorry, I was a wonderful wife, he loved his family, he can't understand why this happened....After going a few nights of uncontrollable crying, opening up to friends and family counseling for months separately but with the same counselor...He was diagnosed with "sexual addition" because of his insane amount of internet porn and then eventual "emotional affair". It was "because" his Mom yelled a lot when he was young and needed to feel loved.
I forgave him. I knew that if I claimed to be the person I say I am forgiving, loving and accepting....then here goes. This meant we need full discloser. I could not and would not accept lies at all...nor should he or anyone else, right? I continued with counseling he did not...
In the beginning, I was scared. I felt so strange he was my husband, that I didn't even know. I hoped this could make us both stronger together. I hoped we could be in love again. We went a ski weekend. We texted way more. This was just a bump in the road and on my heart....if he helped me we could get over it...
As months went on...anytime I felt unsure and would need some reassurance...he would say " Are you talking about that again?", "That was almost a year ago", "It wasn't an affair" ...... and then as I heard those comments I would get more hurt and say "her" name...and what would he do....he would look me in the eye and say "Who are you even talking about?" Like he had no idea who she was ......and more importantly did not recognize or help me with my pain.
In Feb of 2013 I found texts to meet up with a women he meet on the train going to work. Again of coarse I knew nothing about her or any of it. I confronted him....and this time he was not sorry. "I was crazy" "I was emotional" "I don't trust him" . His story was then he was trying to get her to take my nephews dog.....this time I called her form his phone in front of him....she answered in a very sweet "hellloooo" and I said "Hi Nicole this is ..... and she quickly hung up.
During that year I grew so much. I dug deep into me, what life is, what I wanted and who I was. I wanted my family, I wanted my husband but not like that. We divorced in May 2013, lived together until Aug 2013. I bought a home 5 mins from our family home which he kept. I have focused on healing my sons and myself....he won't let up.
I did this to our family....I made all this up....he never had an affair....he is a good christian man....l took all his money...he is broke....all he wants is us back...I am terrible to everyone in my life...add in a bunch of swears :)) ..... then.....he hopes I heal....he is okay with money....
Simply I have always been a trusting person..... I don't trust him. I am a total affirmation person...I like to hear and tell others how amazing they are. After all the garbage he has said to me...I don't want to be with him...I love him as my ex husband and father of my boys.
I was not a perfect wife. I am not a perfect person. But I would like to think I OWN my choices....does anyone have this, just total non ownership of anything from their ex???
So here goes....I was married for 16 years. Loved my husband. Loved my family. We were married young ...22 and 24 and had our bumps but I always felt we "grew up" together...and it would all be a part of our love story...We have 2 amazing boys.
In 2011 he had an "emotional affair" as he and counselor called it back then. He met a young lady thru work and emailed, texted and talked with her for months. I found out because of my instinct, gut and ultimately a dream. The emails and texts that I did see we devastating...very sexual, pet names and talking about me and our boys so nonchalant . He claimed that "was it"... never touched her, was so sorry, I was a wonderful wife, he loved his family, he can't understand why this happened....After going a few nights of uncontrollable crying, opening up to friends and family counseling for months separately but with the same counselor...He was diagnosed with "sexual addition" because of his insane amount of internet porn and then eventual "emotional affair". It was "because" his Mom yelled a lot when he was young and needed to feel loved.
I forgave him. I knew that if I claimed to be the person I say I am forgiving, loving and accepting....then here goes. This meant we need full discloser. I could not and would not accept lies at all...nor should he or anyone else, right? I continued with counseling he did not...
In the beginning, I was scared. I felt so strange he was my husband, that I didn't even know. I hoped this could make us both stronger together. I hoped we could be in love again. We went a ski weekend. We texted way more. This was just a bump in the road and on my heart....if he helped me we could get over it...
As months went on...anytime I felt unsure and would need some reassurance...he would say " Are you talking about that again?", "That was almost a year ago", "It wasn't an affair" ...... and then as I heard those comments I would get more hurt and say "her" name...and what would he do....he would look me in the eye and say "Who are you even talking about?" Like he had no idea who she was ......and more importantly did not recognize or help me with my pain.
In Feb of 2013 I found texts to meet up with a women he meet on the train going to work. Again of coarse I knew nothing about her or any of it. I confronted him....and this time he was not sorry. "I was crazy" "I was emotional" "I don't trust him" . His story was then he was trying to get her to take my nephews dog.....this time I called her form his phone in front of him....she answered in a very sweet "hellloooo" and I said "Hi Nicole this is ..... and she quickly hung up.
During that year I grew so much. I dug deep into me, what life is, what I wanted and who I was. I wanted my family, I wanted my husband but not like that. We divorced in May 2013, lived together until Aug 2013. I bought a home 5 mins from our family home which he kept. I have focused on healing my sons and myself....he won't let up.
I did this to our family....I made all this up....he never had an affair....he is a good christian man....l took all his money...he is broke....all he wants is us back...I am terrible to everyone in my life...add in a bunch of swears :)) ..... then.....he hopes I heal....he is okay with money....
Simply I have always been a trusting person..... I don't trust him. I am a total affirmation person...I like to hear and tell others how amazing they are. After all the garbage he has said to me...I don't want to be with him...I love him as my ex husband and father of my boys.
I was not a perfect wife. I am not a perfect person. But I would like to think I OWN my choices....does anyone have this, just total non ownership of anything from their ex???
He denied the affair. He denied the son he left in a third world country. He denied the bigamy in court. I had their marriage license. He's never said anything was my fault but he turned vindictive right after the divorce was final. He's hid the wife he brought to the states. I guess he thinks I still care. I don't. He started on our daughter. I took all his money. He couldn't afford an apartment. He was going to be living out of his jeep. It went on and on. He caused me problems at the bank. Problems with the mortgage I was paying.
I understand totally what you wrote about. Continue to make a new life for yourself. Perhaps you need to do no contact and only text about your boys. When he starts his pity party over the phone hang up. You will finally get thru this but I know how hard it can be.
Its deflection, a common tactic that allows them to live guilt free. I actually feel sorry for my ex husbands distorted view of reality. It really is like a sickness - how they can bend the truth to their will to self enable them to live in a totally different world molded to their wants. It makes me question the clarifty of his decisions as a human being in general.
He only can "keep this going" if you allow him to. If your conversations are only about the kids, then he can't "keep it going." You hang up on him when he starts into anything besides the kids. You walk away from him when he "keeps it going." If you are picking up the kids and he starts, he take the kids and immediately leave because you and they should not be listening to it.
Eventually, he'll just be talking to himself because he'll be a serial cheater and go through various women and end up diseased and by himself. But you continue to hang up and walk away when he "keeps it going" because you're divorced and don't have to listen to the broken record.