Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
(((Long Post Alert)))......sorry!
As I type this post I am within a couple hours of reaching the 5 month mark since my ex-fiance left me. On August 3rd at 7:00pm she boarded a shuttle van, was taken to the Airport, waited around a while, boarded a plane, and on the morning of August 4th, 12:08am her plane took off, with her in it, never to return!
These past 5 months have been some of the hardest months I've had to endure in all of my 44 years of life. And at first, when it all happened I was devastated and on the brink of person destruction! Within the first couple weeks I had felt like my ex-fiance took a vacuum cleaner and opened up my mouth and sucked my soul out of my body! I was clueless, directionless, soulless, almost lifeless and felt that my purpose of life left me and hitched a ride on the plane she took off and out on!
As those weeks progressed into a couple months things began to ease up a bit! I knew I was getting some of "me back" because I started to be a compulsive obsessive chronic question asking person! Talk about burning the midnight oil, my mind was working over time trying to process every detail of my breakup, no matter how small, I knew if I crunched the numbers long enough the answer would be exposed. The answers did start to come, but not by my doing, it was by outside forces that I found out a lot of information as to the answers to my compulsive questions!
The answers as to the basic question of "why" was nothing close to what I envisioned. Come to find out that basically "greed" was the bottom line! My ex-fiance was greedy for some "real world experiences" and the man to whom was to be my future Father-in-Law was greedy for my money, my family's money and so forth! The details aren't important, but simply put, my ex-fiance and her family looked upon me as some prized big mouth trophy bass, and her family was happy that their Daughter was reeling me in!
But you know something, I've come to place in my life that what they did was okay! I'm basically at peace with it! Actually I find it very contrary to how I felt 5 months ago, but I actually might owe these people a debt of gratitude! If it wasn't for how my ex-fiance and her family lured me in, if it wasn't for how they all treated me, and in the end if it wasn't proven how they really are, I would not be where I am today!
In a small way I feel "blessed", yes I used the word blessed to have been able to have gone through this experience as a whole, from start to finish, everything about it has now helped me in being who I am today! I learned very harshly that I have some serious Codependent issues, I have a knack for demonstrating some serious "people pleasing" issues, I also learned that if the love is strong enough, if the love is deep enough that I will then tend to put on the blinders and the rose colored glasses and be totally devoid and ignore the "red flags" that riddle the landscape.
I've also been shown in both my weekly support groups and by my psychiatrist that due to some unearthed "abandonment" issues I didn't really know that I had, I'll put up with just about anything a relationship throws my direction, no matter how negative the issue is, I'll tend to put up with it and not pipe up about it, all because I am afraid of the abandonment that a failed relationship will bring me. If it wasn't for the choices and actions of my ex-fiance and her family I wouldn't have known about these issues today.
Through out this process I've become more "goal oriented" as far as what I will accept in regards to my next possible love interest or opportunity.
But now, rather than feeling anger, frustration, rage and doubt in regards to how I feel about how things went! I more so feel very sorry and sad for my ex-fiance and her family. I had to just face the facts that some people out there are just not the "right fit" for me. As the facts about her and her family had relieved them self to me, it started making me feel more and more thankful that in the end I didn't marry into that family. Unlike my ex-fiance that told me more than once that "people like us don't do counseling", meaning her and her family don't do mental health help! But me on the other hand I am embarrassing it and being open minded and willing to allow the process to take me hopefully what will be "better places" both in mind and life.
Oddly enough that before all this happened I knew nothing about clicky catch phrase words like "narcissist" and "sociopath" and "spectrum disorders" Her family has a gambit of many of the traits from all these conditions. But I've learned that no matter how much I feel sorry for my ex-faince and all that she has been exposed to growing up, the parents alcoholism, her Dad's morphine pill popping ways, the verbal abuse, the physical abuse, the possible sexual abuse, her Dad's drunken rages, the beat downs her Mother has suffered at the hand of her Husband, her Father thrusting hand guns into the Mothers face with borderline death threats, the abuse or purposeful deceptions of institutions and places, her family's lies and cheats and stealing! Her Fathers supreme need for max control over situations and people, regardless of the outcome or peoples feelings!
I feel badly for my ex-fiance, for that's only a small snid bit of what's shes been exposed to through out her whole life. I feel for her, I really do, but during my recovery I've learned that it's not my job anymore to try and help her, basically there's no need to preform the Codependent issue called "trying to save her"! It confuses me how someone knowingly and willing could go back to all that and basically leave what many people here believe was her only slice of heaven, but I have come to terms that it was "her choice" to make! Even if it was spawned on by her very own Father, still, she could have refused his ideas about ending things and coming back home to financially help out the family, she could have at any time put the brakes on her Father and tell him "no", but she didn't, as so she made her choice! She could have told her Father at any time to stop telling her about him touching family crosses on walls and getting messages from beyond about how bad I am and that she needed to leave and come back home to help out!
I have come to grips that in the end, by whatever means, it was her choice and she made it. I can no longer try to help, by whatever means, I've been shown it's not my responsibility anymore in regards to her mental or physical state, that's all on her now! My job is to now continue with my recovery, keep attending my weekly support groups and keep going to doctors and try to get "myself" better!
Now a day's, yeah, I'm alone, but you know what, I'm okay with it! Because for the past 5 months I've seen the sun rise every day and set every day without dying in between. I've been able to learn about myself, I now have less drama in my life. I don't have a future In-law family to worry about asking me for money around every turn, while shopping I no longer need to worry about a Fiance buying extra stuff, at my expense, as to put together her classic "care packages" that she'd mail back home to her parents. I am free again to have all my friends and family around without fear of opinion or rejection, for many towards the end wouldn't hang out with me, due to their personal feelings about my ex-fiance. I'm still walking, still talking, still breathing, still shopping, all in all, I'm still alive and kicking!
I'm starting to like life again! I'm starting to be more interested in what other people are doing and possibly going through, than worry anymore about my own issues. I'm enjoying getting out there and meeting new people, where as if I was still in my prior relationship it wouldn't be the case. I am enjoying my new-ish home, a home never to have been shared with another, I don't know, but it appears that the term that's tossed around a lot around here "that it all takes time" is right!
Just know folks that in time things do get better! But it takes work, patience and understanding. It takes "self help" and sometimes "professional help" to help ease things! I won't lie, some days are still kind of rough, but the harder days are slowly now being out weighed by the better days, it's just getting better with time!
I'll always value and appreciate the good times with her, no one can ever take those away from me! In many aspects I still miss her, but I'm not going to worry about her, she's back in Ohio hopefully doing the best she can! Me, I got a life to live, I got people in my life who "choose" to be with me to care about, I got places to go and people to see! And who knows, from what I've learned as a whole from this total experience may help pay dividends to me in the future by helping me to have a better relationship with someone new! :)
As I type this post I am within a couple hours of reaching the 5 month mark since my ex-fiance left me. On August 3rd at 7:00pm she boarded a shuttle van, was taken to the Airport, waited around a while, boarded a plane, and on the morning of August 4th, 12:08am her plane took off, with her in it, never to return!
These past 5 months have been some of the hardest months I've had to endure in all of my 44 years of life. And at first, when it all happened I was devastated and on the brink of person destruction! Within the first couple weeks I had felt like my ex-fiance took a vacuum cleaner and opened up my mouth and sucked my soul out of my body! I was clueless, directionless, soulless, almost lifeless and felt that my purpose of life left me and hitched a ride on the plane she took off and out on!
As those weeks progressed into a couple months things began to ease up a bit! I knew I was getting some of "me back" because I started to be a compulsive obsessive chronic question asking person! Talk about burning the midnight oil, my mind was working over time trying to process every detail of my breakup, no matter how small, I knew if I crunched the numbers long enough the answer would be exposed. The answers did start to come, but not by my doing, it was by outside forces that I found out a lot of information as to the answers to my compulsive questions!
The answers as to the basic question of "why" was nothing close to what I envisioned. Come to find out that basically "greed" was the bottom line! My ex-fiance was greedy for some "real world experiences" and the man to whom was to be my future Father-in-Law was greedy for my money, my family's money and so forth! The details aren't important, but simply put, my ex-fiance and her family looked upon me as some prized big mouth trophy bass, and her family was happy that their Daughter was reeling me in!
But you know something, I've come to place in my life that what they did was okay! I'm basically at peace with it! Actually I find it very contrary to how I felt 5 months ago, but I actually might owe these people a debt of gratitude! If it wasn't for how my ex-fiance and her family lured me in, if it wasn't for how they all treated me, and in the end if it wasn't proven how they really are, I would not be where I am today!
In a small way I feel "blessed", yes I used the word blessed to have been able to have gone through this experience as a whole, from start to finish, everything about it has now helped me in being who I am today! I learned very harshly that I have some serious Codependent issues, I have a knack for demonstrating some serious "people pleasing" issues, I also learned that if the love is strong enough, if the love is deep enough that I will then tend to put on the blinders and the rose colored glasses and be totally devoid and ignore the "red flags" that riddle the landscape.
I've also been shown in both my weekly support groups and by my psychiatrist that due to some unearthed "abandonment" issues I didn't really know that I had, I'll put up with just about anything a relationship throws my direction, no matter how negative the issue is, I'll tend to put up with it and not pipe up about it, all because I am afraid of the abandonment that a failed relationship will bring me. If it wasn't for the choices and actions of my ex-fiance and her family I wouldn't have known about these issues today.
Through out this process I've become more "goal oriented" as far as what I will accept in regards to my next possible love interest or opportunity.
But now, rather than feeling anger, frustration, rage and doubt in regards to how I feel about how things went! I more so feel very sorry and sad for my ex-fiance and her family. I had to just face the facts that some people out there are just not the "right fit" for me. As the facts about her and her family had relieved them self to me, it started making me feel more and more thankful that in the end I didn't marry into that family. Unlike my ex-fiance that told me more than once that "people like us don't do counseling", meaning her and her family don't do mental health help! But me on the other hand I am embarrassing it and being open minded and willing to allow the process to take me hopefully what will be "better places" both in mind and life.
Oddly enough that before all this happened I knew nothing about clicky catch phrase words like "narcissist" and "sociopath" and "spectrum disorders" Her family has a gambit of many of the traits from all these conditions. But I've learned that no matter how much I feel sorry for my ex-faince and all that she has been exposed to growing up, the parents alcoholism, her Dad's morphine pill popping ways, the verbal abuse, the physical abuse, the possible sexual abuse, her Dad's drunken rages, the beat downs her Mother has suffered at the hand of her Husband, her Father thrusting hand guns into the Mothers face with borderline death threats, the abuse or purposeful deceptions of institutions and places, her family's lies and cheats and stealing! Her Fathers supreme need for max control over situations and people, regardless of the outcome or peoples feelings!
I feel badly for my ex-fiance, for that's only a small snid bit of what's shes been exposed to through out her whole life. I feel for her, I really do, but during my recovery I've learned that it's not my job anymore to try and help her, basically there's no need to preform the Codependent issue called "trying to save her"! It confuses me how someone knowingly and willing could go back to all that and basically leave what many people here believe was her only slice of heaven, but I have come to terms that it was "her choice" to make! Even if it was spawned on by her very own Father, still, she could have refused his ideas about ending things and coming back home to financially help out the family, she could have at any time put the brakes on her Father and tell him "no", but she didn't, as so she made her choice! She could have told her Father at any time to stop telling her about him touching family crosses on walls and getting messages from beyond about how bad I am and that she needed to leave and come back home to help out!
I have come to grips that in the end, by whatever means, it was her choice and she made it. I can no longer try to help, by whatever means, I've been shown it's not my responsibility anymore in regards to her mental or physical state, that's all on her now! My job is to now continue with my recovery, keep attending my weekly support groups and keep going to doctors and try to get "myself" better!
Now a day's, yeah, I'm alone, but you know what, I'm okay with it! Because for the past 5 months I've seen the sun rise every day and set every day without dying in between. I've been able to learn about myself, I now have less drama in my life. I don't have a future In-law family to worry about asking me for money around every turn, while shopping I no longer need to worry about a Fiance buying extra stuff, at my expense, as to put together her classic "care packages" that she'd mail back home to her parents. I am free again to have all my friends and family around without fear of opinion or rejection, for many towards the end wouldn't hang out with me, due to their personal feelings about my ex-fiance. I'm still walking, still talking, still breathing, still shopping, all in all, I'm still alive and kicking!
I'm starting to like life again! I'm starting to be more interested in what other people are doing and possibly going through, than worry anymore about my own issues. I'm enjoying getting out there and meeting new people, where as if I was still in my prior relationship it wouldn't be the case. I am enjoying my new-ish home, a home never to have been shared with another, I don't know, but it appears that the term that's tossed around a lot around here "that it all takes time" is right!
Just know folks that in time things do get better! But it takes work, patience and understanding. It takes "self help" and sometimes "professional help" to help ease things! I won't lie, some days are still kind of rough, but the harder days are slowly now being out weighed by the better days, it's just getting better with time!
I'll always value and appreciate the good times with her, no one can ever take those away from me! In many aspects I still miss her, but I'm not going to worry about her, she's back in Ohio hopefully doing the best she can! Me, I got a life to live, I got people in my life who "choose" to be with me to care about, I got places to go and people to see! And who knows, from what I've learned as a whole from this total experience may help pay dividends to me in the future by helping me to have a better relationship with someone new! :)
Thank you.
Thanks for posting this