Hey guys, I'm just giving a monthly update at where I'm at in the recovery process. I will keep doing so, because I would like to show anyone going through this awful process, that it does get better, and it's also good to write how I'm feeling down to better understand it myself.
There will be a lot of text - So I will add a contents of sorts here;

1. - What happened to me (the breakup)

2. - What is happening to me now(my current thoughts, experiences, general outlook on the situation)

3. - My advice to anyone going through this (And an explanation of why it is good to do these things)

4. - What I have learnt from this

5. - Conclusion - Questions?



(1).

Short version of what happened: First girlfriend/love of 3 and a half years and we broke up, she cheated, I couldn't trust her, I tried really hard to trust her because I loved her deeply, but I could not.

(2).

First of all I'll tell you guys where I'm at now emotionally; I'm pretty good, I rarely feel sad about the situation any more, I've got amazing friends and have a great time with them, I'm also performing exceedingly well at university now that my brain isn't full of the troubles that the relationship brought.

I met a beautiful girl and had a one-night hookup with her - For a young guy after the first breakup this was huge for me, It showed me that girls are attracted to me, and that when I'm ready for another relationship, I am capable of finding it!

Because of course you all know, when you go through a breakup you feel like that person is the only person you could ever be with any nobody will ever come close to them, and that nobody else is interested in you etc etc. (This is simply not true, I can tell you this an infinite amount of times, provide graphs, solid evidence, etc, If you are in the early stages of a breakup, you won't believe me, Give it time and you will. :) )

I'm definitely the boyfriend type of guy, I want a loving, deep relationship, and one night stands don't really appeal to me, But the fact that a beautiful girl was attracted to me, washed away any doubt in my mind that I would not find anyone else.

(Just a quick note here: This happened about a week ago. For your own sake I would say that you don't do this until you are ready - quite a few months later - From what I have seen, people who do this early try to replace the emotional loss of their ex by sleeping around, fact is if you do it too early, you will just feel worse afterwards, and It can lead to a much longer recovery process.) You must mourn the loss, and be comfortable with yourself, before attempting any kind of relations with another person in my opinion.

now I think of her maybe, a few times a day, and when I do, There are no ill feelings, and not what I would describe as sadness.

When something reminds me of her, my heart kind of flutters a bit, I remember the good times, and I miss what we had. and truth be told I do miss the good parts of the relationship with her at times. Having someone to cuddle with at night, someone who you connect with more than you ever have with anyone else, someone who you can tell anything, and someone who accepts you for who you are, and you can be 100% yourself around, with no holding back. I miss having that;

But I now know that I can have that with somebody else, and it can be even better than what we had. The feeling I get when I see her is really hard to explain, it isn't sadness, kind of a nostalgic "aww" feeling, she is someone who I cared for greatly, and to be honest I still care for her in the sense that I don't want anything bad to happen to her, and I want her to be happy.

If she was to ask me to get back together I would say no, It would break my heart seeing her upset over us, and I know I would be tempted back into the familiarity and safety of that relationship, but I know that it's wrong, and ultimately I would never be happy with her. This is sad, but true.

I am by no means ready for another relationship, I am however in a great place with myself. When you go through a breakup, in which you were really invested in the relationship, you feel like you have lost a huge chunk of yourself. It's almost as if your identity was 'Us' and not 'Me'.


(3).

So. Here's what I did, which I think has massively sped up my recovery process. I HIGHLY Recommend that each and every one of you do the same thing, especially in the early stages of a breakup.

-I made use of support networks that I have. Meaning that, I wasn't afraid to vent out my feelings to my parents, my brother, or my friends when I was feeling down. I also used this website to vent out my feelings, and get advice - There is a wonderful community on this site and they will help you out immensely :). Please do not keep your emotions bottled up. I'm a 20 year old guy and I cried like an absolute baby to my mum quite a few times! It helps to let our emotions out.

-I kept busy ALL The time, I would always try to keep my mind occupied from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep, this was especially useful in the very early stages, as if you think about your ex, you panic, you feel lost, unbearably upset etc.

-I Cut contact with my ex : This one is huge, At first we spoke over facebook from time to time, It was nice in a way, we both told each other that we were feeling the same way, and how we missed each other but we knew it was right. However seeing her on facebook, with other people (ofcourse any guy she was with I was thinking she was sleeping with because that's how we think at this stage). So I said to her that I was going to take her off facebook, purely because It was hard for me seeing her and not being able to chat to her etc etc.

This reduced the time I thought about her day by day, slowly but surely, and enabled me to focus on myself, and my life, instead of what she was doing.

-I Made myself never say no to anything social, whether that be going to clubs with friends, or going on an outing with friends.

-I made an effort to be social as much as possible, I moved into university accomodation, and whenver I would hear people talking in the kitchen which is near my room, I would go and sit with them and talk. My house mates are now amazing friends, and they have helped me immensely through my recovery process.

-I Exercise regularly and am in good shape, I'm happy with the way my body looks - This is a big thing for me - I feel insecure If I'm unhappy with the way my body looks. Insecurity is the last thing you want on-top of the plethora of negative emotions that a breakup will bring.

-If I thought of her and started to feel sad or emotional, or want her back, I would remind myself that she cheated on me, And I was faithful to her, therefore she does not deserve me, and I can do better.

(Even if your ex did not cheat on you. If you feel like you want them back, remind yourself of their bad points, I've noticed that we tend to put ex's on a pedestal and make out like their perfect, and blame ourselves for what happened, whereas the truth is far from this in actuality)

Now doing any of the above was the LAST thing I wanted to do at the time, I wanted to just sit in my room and wallow in my sadness, which I did for the first month, and the first 2 months I hardly ate a morsel of food.. However I forced myself to do it, because I knew it was the right thing to do logically, even if my emotions wanted me to shut the world away.

Think about it this way. The breakup happened, and you can't change it, it's in the past. What you can change is your future. Do you sit in your room for months on end, shut off from the world, falling deeper and deeper into depression, because you're left only with your negative thoughts left with you after the breakup, you feel worse because you feel alone, because you're not socialising, you feel insecure about your body because you let yourself go, because you didn't feel like exercising. So that option leads to not only breakup depression, but a whole list of other factors causing you to feel depressed and insecure about yourself.

Or you can force yourself to do the things I listed. Create friendships, re-kindle old friendships, be surrounded by people who care for you and you care for them, be fit and healthy from all the spare time you now have being poured into a healthy lifestyle and gym. Get attention from the opposite gender and feel confident about yourself (or the same gender). etc etc.



(4).

So what have I learnt from this experience?

There are things that I will do differently in the next relationship I have, such as; I will never let a relationship separate me from my friends again.

I will continue to do the things that make me happy, such as hobbies, going to the gym etc, and will not stop these things for anybody; the next relationship I get into will be two strong individuals, with seperate identities, supporting each other in becoming the best versions of ourselves.

I will by no means take any 'Baggage' from this relationship into the next. This will end in disaster.

People will help you recover. Friends and Family are paramount to the recovery process and I am so grateful to have them in my life. I will 100% support then as much as I possibly can should they ever go through anything like this.



(5).


So there we have it guys, a (lengthly) 5 month update. I hope this can bring hope to anyone fresh into the breakup, I am in a much better place now!

I am not over her. but I'm in a happy place without her, and I'm enjoying life. Recovering from a breakup is a long, and tough journey, I think that emotionally it is one of the toughest things a person can go through. But you WILL get better. This I promise you :)

If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me in the comments and I will try my best to answer for you, I know that during the early stages, reading peoples stories and relating to them helped me out a lot, and I had a huge amount of questions.

Goodluck, and remember that you are never alone! :)