Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
I need your advice. Just to remind you of my story, I have been with my STBX for 26 years. We have one 16 year old daughter. She lives with me for now. He dropped the bomb on me last October that he wanted to separate. Said he didn't feel loved. He moved out in December. He found the OW through an online dating site in the weeks before he moved out. He started talking to our daughter about the OW in December and introduced them in January unbeknownst to me. He asked me if he could take our daughter on a long weekend ski trip in February with some friends. I said yes. I found out later that the friends were the OW and the OW's daughter who is about the same age as our daughter. There were separate rooms for the girls. I was not happy when I found out about it, so I sent him an email (I have not seen him face to face for 6 months) that I would not allow any further overnight stays for at least a year with our daughter if the OW was present. In the interim there have been many day visits with the three of them doing all the things we used to do as a family. So here is my issue. My STBX has now requested to take our daughter for a week away out of the county to a resort destination between Christmas and New Years. The OW will be with them. He says my one year moratorium on overnight stays will be up by the end of the year. I spoke to my daughter about it and she is okay with it. She tells me that the OW's daughter will probably not be there. So do I agree? I feel sick to my stomach that he seems to have not skipped a beat and that I have been replaced as he continues to have a happy little family with our daughter and someone else, all while I continue to suffer anxiety attacks. However I realize that this shouldn't affect my decision. My other concern is about sleeping arrangements. Will there be a separate room for my daughter or will they sleep in the same room? I remember when we used to travel as a family that we slept in separate beds in the same room. My STBX always wanted to have sex once our daughter fell asleep. I agreed to it once when she was very young but she woke up. After that I refused to have sex with him when she was sleeping in the same room. If I agree to this, will I be exposing our daughter to the possibility of her father having sex with the OW in the same room? Do I demand separate rooms? My STBX is generally a good dad however he also bipolar disorder that he must take medication for to control and I'm betting the OW doesn't know about it. It is controlled with the medication however he tends to lack judgement and the ability to be sensitive to other people's feelings Is my angst simply because I feel that I have been replaced not only in his life but in my daughter's life? Is it because I have not met the OW and don't know what kind of influence she is having on my daughter? Is it because they will be so far away that I will not be able to go and get her if something goes wrong? Will my daughter resent me if I say no? I'm asking for your advice.
Given the info you provided here, I, as a mom, would say no. She can choose to go when she's of legal age.
You've listed several red flags, not the least of which are he cheated and lied repeatedly. Another is the sex in the same room in front of a sleeping or not so sleeping kid. Another red flag is him wanting to take your daughter out of the country. I wouldn't trust him because past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
Your daughter may resent you, but most teens I know resent their parents at some point or another, if not permanently for their teen years. That's their job!
IMHO, your job is to protect your daughter, not please her so she doesn't resent you.
Trust your inner knowing above all others.
~healing hugs~
Also, if your daughter goes on vacation with him, if needed, you can always send her money by western union in minutes and purchase her a flight back home pretty fast. It's not that difficult to do.
It's not a perfect situation but your daughter should be allowed to see her father provided that she is ok with it and that he is mentally stable.
You don't want your daughter getting into a difficult situation and then try to manage it from thousands of miles away to help her get back. Too many things can go wrong. Plus, he may take her to one country and then go somewhere else from there.
Just my opinion, but I wouldn't let her go.
As for you situation, you need to first look at your custody agreement? Do you share 50/50 custody? The reality of custody now is not what it was 20 years ago. Dads are being given a lot more rights; and it is not always easy. The unfortunate thing is he is also her parent, and does have the same rights to her as you do. Would you want him to tell you that you couldn't take her on a vacation where you wanted to? Would you want him to set stipulations on where you could take your daughter and with whom? You do have very legitimate concerns, but I would be careful in this situation. Would he sit down with you and her and talk about some ground rules about the vacation? What is ok, what isn't, what she's comfortable with, what she's not? You also need to come to terms with the fact that he does not need your permission to have overnight vacations with your daughter and the other woman and her daughter. You can ask till you are blue in the face, you can tell him this is how it is all you want, but unless you have it in writing as part of you custody (even then it may not matter in the eyes of the court), he has as much right to do what he pleases with his child as you do (as long as it's legal), even if you think it is a horrible idea. This is just the unfortunate way things are in divorce, and trust me, you do not want to change that, because when you are at a point where you are ready to date, you do not want your ex husband dictating terms of how you handle your new man and your child. Even though right now you are not at the point of being ready to date, you will eventually.
Just my two cents.
my ex moved his OW into his home a week ago, and in our parenting plan he has the kids most of the summer, and honestly bottomline when its his time with the kids he can plan and do whatever he wants.. legally its his time.. it sucks to have to trust someone who's hurt you as badly as our ex's have.. but your fortunate that your daughter is old enough to speak her mind about situations too.. I highly doubt your daughter would just sit there and let things unravel..
but honestly, you have that wonderful clause in your contract, use it.. fire extinguished :) atleast for THIS round.. something to think about in your final parenting plan though!
As for the clause, wow. That one that may come back to bite you when you are doing the permanent visitation agreement, especially if it was slipped in there, and not something discussed between you, and that is what I'm getting from your comment of you saying your not sure he knows about it. It seems a little passive-aggressive and manipulative if you ask me, like you are trying to control his household. I could see if there was a time frame on it, 6 months dating someone or something, or if you are dealing with a small child, but really, who are you to dictate who he has sleep in his house, and when they do? I guess it comes off as a little controlling and vindictive to me. Yeah, you need to look out for her best interest, but you said yourself he's not a bad dad and she has a good head on her shoulders. You need to let them work out their situation when she is with him, because it is not your place to dictate or even be involved in really. He has been dating this woman roughly 8 months, so it's not like he has a revolving door of women coming through. Like it or not, but it seems like she may be around for a bit. You need to make your peace with that. I know it sucks, been there, done that. I know how hard it is to see another woman interact with your child (God knows it for sure), but that is what your life is now. Unless this woman is a junkie, abusive, etc, I would pick your battles carefully. What if he decides to move her in tomorrow? Are you going to tell him she has to move out when your daughter comes for a visit? As a mom, I had to learn to let go of some of my control, and my child is 6. You may want to start working on that. I'm sorry this seems harsh, I'm not trying to be. Being separated and divorced for nearly 3 years, I've learned the hard way that I have very little control over my ex husband's decisions. Unless he is putting her in danger, his time with her is his time and I had to back off, in ALL aspects.
The kid is okay with going? then I say just discuss the sleeping arrangements, make sure you know where she's gonna be, etc. Do your motherly part - but as far as him and the other woman and even his bipolar condition - not your issue unless his condition puts your child in danger.
Sorry for all your are dealing with but such is life - we have ups and downs but we make it.
Good luck.
The contractual clause is common, so whether he knows of it or not, you shouldn't feel any amount of "guilt" over it. On the other hand, I don't know that you should enforce it, either.
Objectively speaking, pretend the circumstances were a little different, and you were considering allowing your daughter to go on a trip with a friend - and the friend's not-yet-divorced-dad and his girlfriend. How do you feel about that?
There is a place in this world for step-parents and adding the OW to the mix would not serve to subtract you from your daughter's life. The catch, however, is that this OW is not yet a step-parent and, worse, you and your husband are still married. That is the part of your equation that I (personally) have the most difficulty with: You two are still married.
Your husband lacks good taste and propriety, and he is completely without shame. You aren't going to fix that. So it is up to you to assume and display the moral leadership necessary in your daughter's life.
"Your husband lacks good taste and propriety, and he is completely without shame. You aren't going to fix that. "
Very true. But she has the right to protect her daughter from being in the same room w/a pig who ignores all decorum and decency and exposes his own child to his sexual activities.
And that is why I originally said that if it were me, I'd say no. But that's JMHO.