Maybe she doesn’t really know what she wants, therefore she can’t tell you.
I know this is really hard for you, but the best thing to do right now is to focus on establishing a routine with the kids and making a life for them as comfortable as possible . She needs to know that she can’t just come in and out, if she wants to come back, she has to earn her wife position back because if there is no consequences for her actions, she won’t just hurt you, but she will traumatize the children .

Thanks I've definitely been keeping a routine with the kids and trying to make things as normal as possible. Its worth it to point out that her reasons for leaving are things that I've done. I haven't physically cheated but looked at other women online and lied about that and other things as well. So from,her point of view after all that I've done she is entitled to this. She needs space to figure out what she wants. But if I go a day ignoring her she gets mad at me. If she ignores me and I get mad its "well I don't have to talk to you at all, you're lucky things are the way they are". I was really stupid and have changed a lot since making those mistakes. I have done my best to show her this but its coming at the expense of my own self esteem. When she doesnt respond to nice things I do for her, I get angry, then depressed, then question what's wrong with me. Part of me thinks I should just release her and focus on myself and the kids, but at the same time im scared she won't come back either. But they say if you love someone let them go and all that. I just don't know what to do here

I think you know exactly what to do, you just wrote it. The thing is that it's so hard to do, we often hope for a simpler, easier alternative. There is none. Keep working on yourself and helping the kids through this transition. That's all you can do.

I wouldn't let things go on indefinitely in this limbo, though. Ask her for a date in the future where you two can sit down and discuss the status of the marriage. At that point, maybe one/both of you will have a firmer grasp on the situation and you can move on from there (wherever that may be). Just work on today for now.

I think you need help to understand the hot and cold thing. I get the feeling she wants things to go back to the way they were before she found out that she apparently wasn't enough for you. I know you will object to me saying that and I have no idea if it's true but the fact is if my hubbie were doing things like that, I would suspect that I'm not enough for him so he's making up for my shortcomings by doing things like that. (Pss, I wouldn't really. Hubbie watches porn off and on and I could care less.) Some women are sensitive that way.

Anyways, when you do nice things for her, she might be graceless about it because it seems like a token gesture to get back into her good graces or because you feel guilty. Then she gets angry and confused, because she wants to believe it's coming from a good place in your heart but you already proved that you don't value her. She might want you back but doesn't think she should, or think taking you back would be admitting she can't make it on her own. She may be worried that she'll always be what you ended up with instead of what you really wanted. No one wants to feel like their spouse just settled for them because they couldn't do better.

She probably needs to know you honestly value your relationship with her. You need to communicate your true feelings about her. Don't expect to just quietly slip back into her good graces. She wants honesty and something real from you that she can hold onto.

What you are saying makes a lot of sense and I appreciate the feed back. I'm stuck,though. I've told her my true feelings about her and honestly I've always looked at porn wayyy before I was ever even with a woman. Its not a her thing it's a me thing and I've told her all of this. I could have been with anyone and the same thing would have happened. I just struggle because of her actions now. When I have the kids she goes out to bars with work ppl and ignores me on weekends almost all the time. And I'm just sitting at home with the kids.

Sounds like she out seeking validation that she's still attractive from other men. Do you ever wonder why looking at images of naked women hit her THAT hard? I mean some women are sensitive, but this seems like an extreme reaction. The psychology degree is sounding a little warning bell that there might be something in her background that this event is triggering. Was she teased for not being attracted? Is she hyper religious? Did someone tell her she doesn't deserve you?

Were you sexting or looking at non-commercial images real people sent you? That might make it more personal for her. Sorry your both hurting over this.

She was teased growing up about her looks and body by family and peers. Not religious. She claims that 2 girls have said mean things to her about why I was with her even though she is beautiful. Wasn't sexting but she looked at my Facebook searches too. Which I look up people if I'm ever just bored. Old friends, people I went to school with, ECT. And that to her was me looking at other women.

She basically found all of this out a few months after giving birth to baby 2 so pretty much the worst time ever. Nothing I say matters because of what I have done to make her feel this way. We were going to a therapist together for a few months. Therapist eventually had a separate session with each of us. Told me that she was going to suggest she try and put things on the back burner and focus on trying to build some trust....that went over terribly and she refused to ever go back. She started seeing a new therapists recently but who,knows how that is going. He suggested she take a vacation in which she lied to me about where she actually went. Only my mother and one close friend know all the details and they aren't very big fans of hers right now, but I know if I didn't do what I did things probably wouldnt be this way.

It sounds like you inadvertently hit her soft spot. I don't know what to say about this. I honestly can't imagine leaving my husband because he looked at pictures of naked women or watched porn. That to me seems bizarre, almost like trying to control another person's private sexuality. My hubbie and joke about him wanking to a little porn. I won't go so far as to say I pop popcorn and watch, but that's just because it wouldn't quite be polite.

FYI: I would definitely have a problem if he sexted or actually looked up women from his past and has sexual conversations with them. That would be like emotional cheating. Looking is fine, touching and talking sexually to others would be a hard limit for me. I suppose every woman has her own line though. Best of luck in dealing with this sticky situation.