Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

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rdp1112 05/22/2015

I was with my husband 10 years before we got married. He was only my second relationship. We started dating when we were 17 years old. I loved him so much within the first year I felt I wanted to marry this man. Slowly over the years things began to happen that I would just put behind me cause I loved him so much. He would get upset with me for not doing certain sexual things for him and then would give me the cold shoulder and would ask me why I wouldn't want to if I loved him so much. I would feel bad and eventually give and then he was so happy and treated me wonderfully again. Slowly over time something would happen and it would happen again Otheriwse I felt I was the happiest girl and in love. I slowly caved into doing more for him and not just sexually but other things. I took care of him cause I loved him so much. I tried to ignore and it thought it would get better as we got older, that would fade Classic case. I don't know how I did not see all this!!! We got married and had a son. Then it went completely down hill. All i feared came true. He got mad at me for not being able to please him with my son around in the room. Gave me the cold shoulder for months. Slowly he became more depressed and I tried to talk with him but no luck. I just wanted him to come out of it but he never really did. It was like 6 months before we finally went to therapy. I had been going for the past 3-4 years cause I had bad anxiety and much of it - i found out - stemed from our relationship. He finally decided to go because he found out I had feelings for another man. I had not cheated him and was still trying to fix us but he would not believe me. He was a close friends and I felt awful for letting that even happening of becoming close to another man. We just talked all the time and did nothing more but I know that was wrong of me as well. But he would not get over it. All he talked about in therapy and would just get all defensive when we talked about his issues and why I was so unhappy. He made little changes but never to any of the big issues. He was still set that he didn't know why I wouldn't want to please him whenever he wanted it. I just couldn't continue.. I had a child now and I guess I realized I couldn't have my husband as a child anymore. :( I still love him and yet he is awful to me now. He makes me feel like such crap. Says hateful things to me all the time for leaving him for another man. Thats all he can see. He thinks its all my fault and I could not hold out and try longer and harder to fix us. I have come a long way but he still gets to me at times and I feel awful about myself like he was always able to do to me. Thats where I would give in and make him happy. But now I am not

Is there anyone else out there who has been emotionally abused like this? I assume it just takes time to get past it all. Its been a years since I left him. i still second guess myself and if its all my fault, if i am the bad person here.. I know I took part in all this and I have my faults in this but . he doesn't see it. He said he had a little.

I dont know of anyone else who has been abused like this to relate to me.

I stayed for so long cause I just focused on all the good we had. had a good time together - i loved him so much - i guess it all built up and I couldn't take it any longer..

MyTrueColors 05/22/2015

I'm so sorry for all that you have endured. What you described, including his deflecting everything back on to you, is classic text book sexual and emotional abuse. All of your feelings, including second guessing yourself, are normal.

Sadly, it will take more than just time to get over it. Please consider therapy w/a qualified trauma release therapist who has additional training in recovery from abuse and trauma. Your local women's shelter should be able to give you some referrals and many offer support groups. Shelters are available to help those who have endured any kind of abuse.

There is a great support group here for what you are describing.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical-Emotional-Abuse/forum

~healing hugs~

11Christmases 05/22/2015

I am glad you got out! That took courage.

I believe your ex would have deflected all blame back to you, whether you had met someone else or not. He would have found some other excuse. I can understand that you would develop feelings for someone else who treated you well. That happened to me many times while I was married (feelings were never discussed though). I hope you are healing and not getting too serious with anyone else right now. I think you are still vulnerable and it seems you are carrying around some guilt.

rdp1112 05/22/2015

Thank you for your comments. I have joined the support group on here for abusive relationships as well. I have been going to therapy for 5 years I think now. I workout regularly, took up running and I love it. I have a 3 year old son who is wonderful but i do worry about his future with his Father. We are currently doing joint custody and I just hope he doesn't take on those abusive tendency his father has.. I am much happier and have learned so much about myself over the past years but i still do second guess myself on if it was that bad but less often than I ever have. I just hate how it looks to others. He comes off as this great guy to everyone (what I believed) and now it looks like I am the bad person - which i know does not matter. Or it shouldn't but I hate and thats what gets me second guessing leaving. I have been in a relationship with someone for awhile now but taking it so very slowly and he is just great. So different - i didn't think this kind of relationship existed. When I have my bad days he listens and never gets upset over how i am feeling. He is actually one who helped me to see what I was going through and did not believe.

I just didn't think it was as bad as my therapist said or my friends when I started talking to them about it.

We were in the mist of therapy and he was still set on my wearing thongs once in awhile for him. i hated them. Didn't know why I couldn't just do that once in awhile for him. Now I look back on that and I see how crazy it is!!!

MyTrueColors 05/22/2015

Please get your son into therapy as well. Children, even very young ones, are damaged by even just witnessing abuse. Therapy should also help him learn the difference between and identify abuse and normal behavior.

Best of luck to you and your son.

gardensparrow 05/22/2015

Well, I know you're not alone in struggling to heal from emotional abuse. It definitely takes time to work through issues like these, and I think it can be an ongoing battle. But are you still involved in therapy? I think that can be key to dealing with struggles like these. Also, there's a lot of material out there that might be helpful to you. I've heard good things about the books, Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuse by Gregory L. Jantz and Ann McMurray or Wounded by Words: Healing the Invisible Scars of Emotional Abuse by Susan Titus Osborn. Just FYI if you want to try to find them online or maybe even at a local library. In the meantime, you'll be in my prayers. Don't give up hope, friend.

#girlluvs2garden#

rdp1112 05/22/2015

Gradenspa.... Thank you. I am still going to therapy weekly and have been since this all began.

I will definitely look into those books! I was looking for something at the bookstore and I couldn't find anything on getting over emotional abuse.

Thank you again.

murphytoronto 05/23/2015

I suffer the after shocks from all the emotional abuse
It interferes in my daily life and will hit me in some common situations and some unexpected

I get so tired of how it affects my functioning now....but know that over time I will heal more
and have new messages to replace all the negatives that were pounded into me

charliegirl29 05/24/2015

Every once in a while it still affects me but I learned a little trick and I started bouncing back quick and I learned to recognize that everything someone says or does to bring you down is because they are not happy people and it made me realize that even if I "got even" with them for doing it that it would not change the person so why "become like them". Dont let them dictate your well being just because they are miserable Inside. Peace and harmomy. Namaste :-)

rdp1112 05/24/2015

I am doing better with dealing with it and getting past it more quickly when it affects me.... Other people's comments can hurt sometimes but I still have deal with him because of our son and he will make comments to me weekly. Every comments use to affect me... Now it's just once in awhile... But when it does... Ugh... It can get me very low and takes a day or two to overcome... I hate it. Usually the ones that get to me is when he says something along the lines of me not wanting to be a mother or have a child or I am not putting my son first. Those get me!

charliegirl29 05/24/2015

Hugs to you Yeah those comments really do dig deep and he knows it. They are the "below the belt" attacks. Usually it's because the person attacking is projecting their own feelings and making it about you. Take great care.

gardensparrow 06/02/2015

Thanks for the reply RDP1112! I'm so glad some of those book suggestions were helpful. Hopefully, you'll be able to track one of them down. But I'll continue to keep you in my prayers, friend. Keep us posted on how you're doing, OK?

#girlluvs2garden#

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