Breakups & Divorce Support Group

Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.

13,010 Members

100,360 Posts

0 Online

pspeed12 04/30/2015

I am new to the group. I filed for divorce from my husband earlier this month but we separated mid March. we have a 4 year old daughter together. We have been together for 14 years and married for 9 in May. This divorce has been hard for me. When I started the process, I had a lot anger and hurt towards him. For all the years of mental abuse he had unknowingly put me through. All the arguments, all the times he made me feel less of a woman and more of a child. There was so much hurt and anger built up, I could no longer feel any love for him. So I moved myself and our child out. It took this dramatic change for him to realize what he put me through. He has apologized and begged me to come home. But I can't, I can't put myself back in that position. I am afraid that if I do go back, it will happen all over again. He says he loves me and that he misses me. But now he doesn't say it, and it is killing me. This month and a half has been full of grief, I realized that I still love him and that I always will. But I am lost now. And I don't know what to do.

gem111 04/30/2015

" For all the years of mental abuse he had unknowingly put me through. All the arguments, all the times he made me feel less of a woman and more of a child. There was so much hurt and anger built up,"

You are making him sound like an abuser. If he is, abusers do or say
anything to get you back. They will promise you the moon and make you believe they can deliver.
If and when you go back to him, he will go back to his abusive behavior and it will escalate.
You are so lucky to have gotten free. Please use this opportunity and make a wonderful life of no abuse for you and your daughter.
Stay strong, you can do this.

morgenstar 04/30/2015

I honestly think you made the right choice. You chose yourself.

That's already a huge step, because most people want to make things work so hard they forget about what's important, and that's your happiness.

It's not going to be easy because you'll have to keep in touch with him for your daughter, but I assure you that she will understand that your relationship wasn't healthy and even when you loved him so much it wasn't going anywhere.

Also, you were together for a really long time so it's natural that all of those feelings won't go away overnight. Stay strong and think about the bright happy future you have ahead with your little girl. Focus on that and it will make it easier to get by. Blessings.

refurb 04/30/2015

Choosing yourself is to a degree bullshit,
you note that he "unknowingly" put you through

both he and you made vows, have your honered those vows by saying to him OUT LOUD that there was an issue growing or did you let it grow?

You and He have a daughter, ideally you each put the family of three first, (Your daughter's family of three)

the 4 year comes first!!!

Biatta 04/30/2015

Many men emotionally abusive, to the different degrees of course. If he was abusive physically and he loves you, you might give it a try again. At least he knows you can make decisions and move on. Then, man never change really. You can change: fight back or learn to ignore.

jojored 04/30/2015

Have you gone to or would you consider going to see a therapist? Never before in my life had I considered seeing a family therapist, but my lawyer recommended it and I'm so glad I did. She's helping me understand the WHYs regarding each of our behaviors. I thought it would be cost prohibitive, but the copay is "only" $40 - for 45 minutes. If you can start to understand the root of his abuse, you might find that it's something that he's unlikely/unable to change. You also need to discover what in your own personal makeup made you stay for so long, and is driving you to reconsider. Good luck with everything, and know that everyone has doubts about their decisions, probably at every step of the way. We wouldn't be human if we didn't lament the loss of love.

pspeed12 05/01/2015

refurb, I did say something to him. All he did was laugh.After I left him, he claimed he couldn't see there was a problem. He was too wrapped up in our child to notice the hurt he was putting me through. I couldn't live like that anymore. Plus there was so much more to it than you could realize. I do put my daughter first, but how can I be a good mother if I am stuck in a marriage with someone who didn't care enough about me to stop and see how much pain he was putting me through? All the bs he put me through is not enough to keep me there. I wanted out of a loveless marriage. I wanted to be a good mother, and if that means leaving him, than so be it.

To everyone else, thank you for your kind words of incouragement and thoughts on things. I really appreciate them. I will keep every ones words of wisdom in the back of my mind when I do have to see him or talk to him.

kaceetee 05/01/2015

My own mother was stuck in a marriage similar to yours. She chose to stay on in the unhappy marriage because of many other factors that she had to consider. To this day, my parents are still legally married but I've never seen them speak to each other unless absolutely necessary. I'd like to believe that marriage is sacred and when there's a will, there's a way but some times, you just have to admit that not all relationships end in a fairytale.

I have infinite admiration for my mother for being able to tough everything through for us kids but the result honestly is not worth it. The family is still broken and my mother keeps complaining (for the lack of a better word) about men, relationships and life in general. This has made it really difficult for me and negatively impacted my ability to trust.

If you have the strength and the ability to live well alone, it might work better in the long term. Just my two cents worth and best wishes!

Join the Conversation