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pam96 03/30/2010

As some of you are aware, my stbx is from South Africa.. he moved to Canada in 1998 to be with me. We have a 10 year old daughter & have been separated for 2 1/2 years. He & the ow are planning a trip to South Africa in July for a month.
We had already argued this issue to death whether she would be permitted to travel with him. It was decided & agreed upon by both of us that neither could leave Canada with her until she is 14 years old. It was agreed upon until he began planning this trip, that is..
He has emailed me twice now asking that I reconsider & allow her to go.

I am not a mean person & I love my daughter with all my heart. My reasoning for not allowing her to go is not because I want to deny her the experience or keep her from knowing her heritage. Not in the least. But I feel that he has shown a track record for being able to uproot & change his life on the drop of the hat & I am terrified that was she to go, he may not come back.

A bit of history.. he leaves his home country, entire life, family, friends & sells all his possessions to come to Canada with me.. romantic at the time.. a red flag now...

We sell our first home to change cities for his career.

We sell our second home to change cities for his career again 2 years later.

A year after that, we sell our third home because he has left & is with OW...

How can I trust that he has not been bitten by the bug of change yet again?? He has proven several times that he has no difficulty in just letting everything go...

I responded to the first email explaining once again, my reasons for not trusting him and politely said no.. that she could go when she is 14... That was about a month ago...

Today, I receive another stating that his trip had "accidentally" come up in conversation with our daughter & that she was extremely disappointed when he told her she would not be going.. He clearly stated that he does not understand nor support my decision not to allow her this trip & asked once again if I would "search my heart" & allow her to go...

I feel like he is making me out to be the bad guy & he even asked if I had "considered the ramifications to our daughter" when considering my decision.

These are guilt tactics that I have no way to defend myself against other than to explain to a 10 yr. old child that I'm scared her father will abduct her & I'd never see her again.. But I can't & won't do that...

I'm feeling very angry with him for putting me in this position once again & for not being more supportive at the very least, for our daughter's sake...

Any support or comments are welcome & appreciated.. Sigh....

deleted_user 03/30/2010

don't you dare let your daughter leave the country. you would have a really hard time trying to get her back to Canada.

totallychaotic247 03/30/2010

Hugs to you! I wouldn't allow pur children to go either. He needs your express permission to get her a passport. You have to file for it together. If it is a no, it is a no. You might just have to let your daughter be angry with you and feel like the bad guy for awhile. (((((((pam)))))))))

deleted_user 03/30/2010

Keep repeating yourself over with him. Sooner or later it will sink in.

My ex is going to Florida next month and asked our son to go with him. He wanted to take the airfair out of our son's support money. Um, no. Now my ex's mother is paying for my son to go. They push it and push it and push it. Stay firm and stick to the facts. Keep it short and to the point. Once in a while things do get out of control, but do your best to get back on track with it.

I don't blame you for being suspicious or worried. Your stbx sounds like a drifting dingdong.

deleted_user 03/30/2010

Wow, I just got a passport application and a consent form for my son. I would need my ex's consent to take my son out of the country. It works both ways. I would be upset if he doesn't consent as he will if I don't consent.

I don't trust my ex with matters of the heart; however, I cannot project those feelings to him as a parent. I don't think he would harm his son if he was to take him on a long trip. I just don't think he would take him on any trips since he's only seen him twice in 10 months.

It is a tough decision. I would be nervous if my child was to leave the country without me but then again, I am sure my ex would feel the same when I take our son out of the country this year.

His shortcomings when it comes to his finances and choices are not up to my standards but, I do know he would protect his son from harm when it is all said and done.

I wish you luck with this tough choice...

pam96 03/30/2010

In all fairness.. he is a good father, he pays good support & is never late & sees her on a regular basis..
I have tried not to project my personal feelings of him onto her & I think I've been quite successful with this even to the point of supporting & discussing my child's relationship with the OW..
If he were from Canada it might be a different situation but where he is from there, that is my concern.. the big "what if's"...
I am in possession of her passport. It was the first thing I asked him for when he left.

I am feeling very badly for her that I have to say no to this trip but I can't put her or myself in that "what if" situation yet.. I feel that when she is 14, she will be old enough to be able to contact me if necessay from there & she will want to come back to her life, family & friends here.. & she will be old enough to understand the situation.
I am feeling very guilty for my daughter sake right now... But I honestly do not trust him.

deleted_user 03/30/2010

Good luck. I feel you saying you honestly don't trust him is a good enough reason not to let your daugther go. It's hard, but there will be a time when she can go...just not now. So I agree stick to your guns. Not saying this is or will be the case, but you hear of stories like the Goldman child from Brazil and it's heart breaking.

Good luck.

pam96 03/30/2010

I know.. I reminded him of that case of the little boy in Brazil the first time he asked.. I would love to believe that he would never do that but I trusted in him with my whole heart before... There is no trust left at all... & the fact that he clearly stated that he does not understand or support my decision causes me to doubt him as well.. Empathy was never his strong point.

deleted_user 03/30/2010

I was born out of this country and I want to take mancub to see his 1/2 roots....I wonder if my ex would think that I would not bring him back....

It works both ways. In your case, it's hard to say because we all have our own thought processes. I would come back with mancub.

deleted_user 03/30/2010

I came over to the US when I was only 1. I have gone back to where I was born a number of times as a child and as an adult. I actually have 2 girls (3 yo and 6 months) and I know I want to show them where I was born and to show them their culture. I want to be able to travel with them to experience different places and culture. I was lucky that my parents were able to do that for me and I'd still like to do that for my girls. My stbx has actually said to me something along the lines of please don't take my girls and leave the country. I was in disbelief that she said that to me. To say nothing of the fact that I came here when I was 1 and really wouln'd even fit in or speak the language of where I was born. Disbelief but understanding. It's hard..but in my shoes I would understand. I think the both of you have already agreed to 14 and he should understand that. But than again that just me.

deleted_user 03/30/2010

before i even saw that you felt he may take her and not bring her back, that was my first thought. explain to her the truth, you and her father agreed to the trip when she was 14, how important sometimes it is to stick to decisions already made, even though someone may change their mind, do not give into these guilt tactics. your making the right decision in not telling her, her father may not let her come home, she doesn't need to know that. he is trying to make you into the bad guy. let him, she will understand why and what you did when she is much older and she will truly appreciate it. keep the thought in your mind how many times he has picked up and left where ever he was without a thought. xoxoxoxoxoxo (((((((huge hugs to stay strong)))))))

pam96 03/30/2010

Do you feel it may be different though that you grew up where you live even though both of you were born somewhere else? I think I would feel differently had he grew up here but he didn't.. He has only been here 11 years next month.. and if he hadn't proven how he has no problem just up & leaving & starting over so many times..
I do want her to experience South Africa.. & I do want her to explore her heritage but just not yet...

pam96 03/30/2010

Thank you Chrurop.. That's exactly how I'm feeling.. (((hug)))

deleted_user 03/30/2010

It may different...I can't speak for your ex. But while I haven't been back in 10 years. I still have a strong sense of culture and who I am and who my girls are. I have my grandmother over there who is up there in age and would love to take my oldest back there so she can see her, but I know my stbx would have serious issues with it...so unfortunately it is what it is. I think the issue is his picking up and leaving. Like you said that's a red flag. And I agree she should experience her heritage...but not just yet.

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