I just ended a 3 to 4 year relationship 3 days ago. I am feeling so confused.. I know i should not be with him anymore because I was never truly happy with him.. I learned to love him and loved the idea of being with him because of how handsome, intelligent, and well spoken he is. I eventually fell very much in love with him as did most of my family to the point that I was changing who I was inside to please him and to avoid any arguments. He was a controling/OCDish and paranoid partner...

In the beginning he would voice his opinion and dislikes very openly even if it hurt my feelings and would even get angry with me at times.. such as how often I washed my towels, criticising what I would wear such as commenting on the print of my clothes or the fact that he hates converse shoes when I have already put them on my feet, how he loves when a woman is tan(and would keep mentioning it), how if I covered my mouth or nose for any reason he would get paranoid and irritable and ask if he smelled(which happened when we were out too.. when other people would cough, cover their mouth/nose he would ask me if he or his breath smelled and start acting weird), he became irritated, disgusted and upset one night because I turned up the soul/r&b station in my car because its my favorite kind of music but he became irritated and upset because since im a white woman the "only way" I could have been exposed to that kind of music was through my "nigga ex boyfriends, hood rat friends"(even though he is african american himself, amd the fact that I grew up listening to that kind of music from my mother), showing me pictures of women who work out and are in great shape (even though I lost a ton a weight already and made big strides with my looks and overall health), down to wanting to control which body wash I would buy at the store. I would become hurt, embarrassed, angry, and lash out at him many times for saying things like that to me.. or sometimes I would just become depressed. I can say that he has helped me grow such as being a cleaner person but most of it made me feel like my likes, wants, and needs were not important, false, or stupid. We partied a lot together which either helped to mend our broken pieces or shatter them even more. A lot of our dates revolved around going to the bar....

He started to use my negative life events/baggage, or my past "mistakes" in our relationship when we would get in arguments to make me feel bad about myself and somehow manipulate me into thinking he was right. Our argumrnts were so bad that we would end up in physical altercations that was initiated by both of us at different times. He would treaten to break up with me often. I know I can be somewhat hard-headed, demanding, or opinionated but I feel as though I became more obsessive and I was starting to pick up his habits... sometimes I would try and make him feel like I did when he would do it to me in hopes that he would understand where im coming from.. but it only made things worse.

During the first two years of our relationship I did not have many friends and the ones I did have he either didnt like or I did not see them much. I did/do not have a physically close family support system... my parents are divorced and both live out of state, mom is a recovering alcoholic, older sister lives out state, little sister now lives out of state since February 2016, and I live with my brother, who im not close to, and his gf(who are also in a very unhealthy relationship as well). My past(way before him) consists of being bullied in grade school, being overwight most of my life, rape, drug use, child molestation, prostitution, having genital herpes, etc which as some point in time he had used every single one of those against me in arguments. This caused me to want to leave and I started to look for other men that were in the same boat as me as far as having herpes. I gave a weak attempt at leaving him but he convinced me to stay. He then later found an STD dating webpage that I created and used but never followed through with meeting anyone off of. This incident along with some other incidents of past men from my life calling my phone (because i have had the same number for years) caused him not to trust me on top of it all.

As time passed and I became more fed up with it all he started to lighten up and realize that my needs and wants were just as important and that I am a good human being in this world and deserve respect. He learned to try and show that he trusted me but that was always a huge reoccurring problem for us because of the website earlier in our relationship, the fact that his ex slept with his friend, and that he lacks the ability of trusting ANYONE.

I started the nursing program a year and a half ago and he was always a hige supporter and helped to keep me grounded through it all. We grew quite a bit, i started to go to church with him here and there, we were wanting to please eachother more rather than win the argument. However, there was always something still there that would set off arguments quite a bit. But during that year and a half he got fired from a job, was on unemployment for about 5 months ( not because he wanted to be which hurt his ego) and then when he finally got a decent paying job he broke his hand there and has been on workmans comp ever since, he bounces at a bar( which my brother helped him get), and is waiting on a pending lawsuit for his broken hand. Meanwhile his car broke down which caused me to have to share a car with him for a couple months. He eventually got another car about 3 months ago and just started a serving job.

Since I have been in the nursing program I have made a few friends and one close one in particular. He started to become possessive, more controling, paranoid, and insecure when I would want to spend time with him or if I forgot to call him, etc. This past semester of school was very tough and created a lot of stress and sleepless nights with all the studying and clinicals, so my friend and I started to study together so we can support eachother. I would go to her place because it was more comfortable and I was there quite a bit. I started smoking cigarettes again due to stress and he blamed her for it. He would become upset, pouty, or start thinking I was seeing someone else at times when I would go over there. This caused not only me to be even more stressed but my friend as well. 

Blah blah blah long story short we had a very bad break up 3 days ago. My friend invited me out but I said I didnt feel like going to the bar and I wanted to spent QT with my bf. So later that evening while I was getting ready I asked my bf if he wanted to see a movie. He said no, that he wanted to go to the bars (where my friend said she would be). I said i dont want to go and told him that i refused my friends invite and didnt want to run into her there because it would be awkward for me. He got upset and thought I was more worried about my friends feelings more than his or that we woukd run into "someone" who i may be trying to "hide". He took my phone and purse so I would follow him in his car, he drove us to a bar area in our town and started to search for my friend because I said she would be there. We finally found her after him making many idol threats toward me and he had nothing to say to her. She was confused but embracing. I decided to tell the story because I was fed up at this point and wanted my phone back and to leave him. He became very upset and belligerent and started saying i gained 30lbs ( i gained 10) and how im a hooker and that he loves me and she doesnt... he is screaming all of this and following us as we are all walking and trying to leave him and telling him to please leave us alone. The police got involved and he said he would ruin my life by trying to get me kicked out of the nursing program and fired from my job at a psych hospital i have worked at for 5 years, and tell the police things about my brother who I live with. 

I have talked to him on the phone to ask him where to take his belongings and he has since apologized and cried to me about how me loves me and wishes the best for me, and how I have changed him for the better. He has also tried to minimize what he did by saying my communication is not good. 

After writing a of this I realize that I cannot go back to him, but I miss him still.... we did have some great times, great sex, dreamed of our future house, future kids names, vacations we were going to take, and had grown a lot from one another. But the bad definitly outweighs the good in my situation... how do I get over this....?