Hey,

I've been lurking here for a bit and I wanted to share my experience.

My wife (common law wife) split up with on Nov 3rd after we had a discussion about how our Halloween night went.

I had made plans for us to go on a pub crawl for her and I. I invited one of her girlfriends out not thinking it she would accept. She did and came along.

The entire night I felt like I was second thought to my wifes friend and my wifes phone. She was also angry about something that happened on the bus she got on and was moody for the rest of the night (she wasn't hurt or touched or anything, just annoyed at other peoples behavior). This is not the first time she has behaved like this and it had been a persistent theme in our relationship where I felt like she had no idea the impact of her actions on me and that often felt second to many things she had going on.

She had plans pretty much all weekend with friends so I didn't get a chance to chat with her about it until I came home after work. When I brought it up she had closed up to me and simply stated it was another thing I was mad at her about. During this discussion I had brought up a long standing issue between us, and that was her seemingly large lack of passion or interest sexually towards me. I asked her if she really wanted to be with someone who she wasn't passionate towards and she said no. Of course this was not the answer I was looking for and then it was over, she dumped me and confessed she no longer loved me and hadn't for a while.

We had been having issues for a while, and I had assumed mistakenly that we were just going through a rough patch and that these were things that could be worked on.
I had also noticed a change in her where she would constantly undermine me in front of the kids and picked arguments in weird areas. For example I had met some new people who had invited me to come over and game with them (husband and wife) and mentioned to my ex and she was offended and assumed I had not meant to include her. She also told me during a couple of conversations about topics that are sensitive to her that they were deal breakers. I was shocked as I wasn't taking an opposite view point, just not the same angle as hers.

She would also seem to keep score when I brought up anything and say "just more stuff you are mad at me about".

So the writing was on the wall and I missed it. I had been asking her if she thought we were ok well before the break up with her usual answer of yes and that she loved me and all was ok.

After the break up she had told me that she had thought about it after some friends of ours split. They were in an obviously terrible relationship and it seemed doomed. We however did not seem that terrible and mostly got along and were close friends. We even went on a couple family road trips in October and all seemed well.

Now before I paint a bleak picture about her, I do have to confess my issues. I played video games, but not in a way that I thought interfered with our lives. I still made time for her and the kids, but she felt resentful towards the time I did take to myself even though I made sure she had time to herself.
I also have some anger issues. Mostly towards stuff, like locked keys in the car, and even getting angry at the games I played. I understand now the impact anger would have on her, even if it's not directed at her, I just didn't see it at the time.
Anger is something that I have worked on and continue to work on. The gaming I would have dropped if she had told me.
Despite the gaming I helped with the children and I did all the grocery shopping and 90% of the cooking. I bought her flowers and told her how much I loved her and what she meant to me everyday. I planned dates for us and made time on the weekends for her and the kids.

I thought all was well.

She met a man two weeks before leaving me telling me that he made her realise just how unhappy she was with me. That she was unhappy for a long time and that he was the straw that broke the camels back.

We seemed ok. We had issues, we had arguments, and none in my opinion were deal breakers but rather something to work on. I even had a coworker who had gone camping with us during our company campout say that we seemed to natural together and a good fit.

I was blindsided and dumbstruck. Most people that know us well were also surprised including her own mother.

Right now I am coping as best as I can. I was devastated for the first month and it has been slowly getting better. I have gone through all the usual phases.

Within the first week I had immediately recognised my part in the failure of the relationship and am working on these things now. My counsellor was shocked two months after that it had only been two months.
Now the sad part is, I am not doing nearly as well as I am letting on. I am growing in ways I never expected and I know I will be ok, but right now I feel sad and hollow. I am constantly reminded of her on a daily basis and even dream about her regularly. I still feel totally shocked.
This man is already a large part of my childrens lives and it's only been 3 months. She plans on telling them about her and him dating at the end of this month (January). While I think it's too early as I can see that my kids (6 + 4) are still grieving (especially the 4 year old) I know there is nothing I can do to stop her.

Anyway I just felt the need to type it out and I apologize for the long letter. I do appreciate that you took the time to get this far.