I really cant say I understand myself. I dont know what kind of changes she wants from you or her reasoning for her decision and I have not read any of your other posts but deciding what is best for your family as a whole can be very challenging at times for some. there is nothing wrong with wanting to do what is best for all of you.

the only thing I can add to this is that some people like the other person to be there for them. Put family and whatnot first BUT they also want the other person to have their own interest, do things they like to do, have some sort of independence. It gives some added mix to a relationship instead of seeming like the only reason you live is for the other person. It can be daunting on that person to feel what they do you do. That somehow they are responsible for what you like, what you live for and so on.

So it isn't about proving anything to her, well it shouldnt be. Its about you finding out who you are, your likes and dislikes and your own sense of life as you see it, not as she always sees it thru her eyes.

To me, ultimatums are not something I like. its about working together to get through this life, not threatening someone in order to live the life we are all meant to live. Love yourself, those you care about and the limited time you have in this life before you are no longer able to.

I'm guilty of what you talk about. I thought living for my wife and kids was a great thing. Its taken me a while to understand that in the process of living my life for them that I forgot to live life for me. My STBX wife would say the same things about me. It took me awile after she left to actually understand that she was right!

I have taken a writing class, gone out with a friend to a jazz club a couple times, met friends for a couple beers since she left. I have made myself a goal of going out at least once a week with friends to do things, and I'll be taking a different writing class every 3 or 4 months to get out and meet new people. For me, all this time I thought my life was about the wife and kids, I never figured out that I needed to be part of my own life too.

As for her ultimatum, I personally ask myself why it is only you who has to "prove" you are making a change to some nebulous something your wife won't even name. And by the way, you have to prove it with a divorce lawyer hovering in the background. I would say that is hardly conducive to the two of you workig together to save your marriage. Because whether she believes it or not, she better do some looking in the mirror to ask herself why she would say she wants to give it a chance and still retain a divorce lawyer at the same time. I'm sorry, but my personal opinion is that she has already made up her mind.

I see a lot of similarities between our stories and I wish you the best of luck. It's a long, hard road.

Your responsibility is your family but you still need to be you. Have at least one hobby or pastime that you do without your wife and family. I know, sometimes its hard, because it takes alot of time and effort to care for a family, but your wife owes it to you to have at least a little time to yourself, and you need to take it. If you don't you will lose your individuality, and possibly the interest of your wife.

Have you considered that you may be co-dependent? Although I personally had my own hobbies, I worked hard the rest of the time to care for my wife and kids, to an extreme, in which I began to feel like a slave doing everything for them, and grew angry that it did not net me love or respect in return, in fact the opposite. I am in the process of learning and healing, and its been very enlightening.

Luvmygirl14 said: "I began to feel like a slave doing everything for them, and grew angry that it did not net me love or respect in return, in fact the opposite."

That sounds mighty familiar to me! I plead guilty on that too. One of the bitter lessons I'm working on correcting within myself. Martyrs and healthy relationships ultimately don't mix.

divorce her.

no wife worth a damn would file for divorce and then put some stupid 90 day demand on her husband to "grow" as a person.

she sounds really spoiled.

Prove what to her? This is a marriage, not a single endevour. You need to work together to make it work and it sounds like she wants you to do all the changing, when really she needs to do some herself. Because if you "prove" yourself to her, this time, then what will it be the next time? I think you both need to go to counselling together.

I have discovered the book, Wild At Heart. It explains ALOT about myself and the trials I have been going through all my life alone and feeling I was inadequate as a man for not understanding somethings. I t has really helped me to grow and being a more rounded individual. Wish I would have know about this book when it came out in 2000.