overspending is an addiction and needs treatment just as a drug addict or alcoholic. You can not change your wife, she must realize and admit she has a problem and be willing to try to fix it. I had a spending problem along with drug addiction and used both as a means to fill a hole within myself. While I am drug free for 10 months and do not feel as though I have a spending problem at this time, I still do not know what I felt was missing in myself that I needed these outlets but I do recognize that something was missing in my life or was way wrong - this did include a very bad marriage which I left and tried to fix with another which again was still running away from the problem. I am in counseling now to try to figure these issues out. Unfortunately, you are caught up in your wife's spending addiction. You will not be able to fix this on your own it is up to her. All you can do is to do whatever it takes to make sure you and your son are protected financially and don't let her suck you and your son down with her. This sounds very harsh and I don't mean for it to be so harsh. I know you are in pain but don't compound the issues by doing something that you may regret in the long run. Take the high road, if you believe in God or higher power, have faith and take the path that is best for you and your son. I feel for you it is very hard to be in your shoes with someone that has any kind of addiction. You have to be strong and if she refuses treatment you should get counseling for yourself to able to make good decisions for you and your son if the wife is not willing to do what it takes to make your lives together work for the best of all concerned. Take care and be strong.

hi Stephen: Let me mention that cheating on your wife isn't an answer for any problem. And you want to put your son first, and I always said to myself that I NEVER wanted to do anything that my son would later look back and be ashamed of me. Keep that in mind as a good reason not to cheat.

I hope you are setting up security for youself so that any money you have now is not at risk of being taken because your wife will have this problem for a long time even while in counseilng and she will have to really work at it in order to make progress with it. But until then, she still has the problem and that problem will impact you.

I have my bank set up so that NO ONE can change my address or make changes to my account, and that I must come in, in person, present photo ID, and must satisfactorily prove who I am. Banks and utilities and others can set that up so that others cannot take over your accounts and do what they want with them.

A safe deposit box at a bank (not the bank you use for checking and saving because that would be logical for your wife to figure out) would be a great place to put valuables (like your wedding ring) so they are not taken and hocked and you are not at risk of losing something that is important or valuable to you or your son. [Sometimes a relative will give an important ring to a young child that is kept for them, etc.]

Another suggestion is that if she is a clothes hound/shoe hound/jewelry hound or a belongings hound where she has spent so much money on those items too, then she should be required to return whatever she can and that money goes to you for the household OR she has a yard sale and that money goes to you for the household. It is only fair and she should not get to keep any of that, if she has it. If she did spend on that stuff, just because the bankruptcy is over, doesn't mean that she will keep it. It is another lesson that spending addicts learn and you'll see it done on TV.

Pinch yourself to constantly remind you that your wife is not a good rule model for you son with money, buying, getting loans, stealing your credit/debit cards, lying so much to you. YOU HAVE TO BE TRUTHFUL WITH YOURSELF and not make excuses or lie for her and face that she isn't a wonderful mother RIGHT NOW and this is not what you want your son to grow up with and be exposed to. You want your son to learn about money from a good source and not be exposed or learn any of the above. So be truthful with yourself and going into counseling, otherwise it doesn't help.

Good luck and hugs.

Wow! I feel so badly for you. lps is right--your wife certainly has some type mental health situation going on if she is compulsively spending that way.

Please talk to a financial planner or your banker to see how to take steps to prevent her from tying you to more debt. You can put a 90 credit freeze through the credit reporting services (Equifax, Trans Union, etc.) This way if she tries to apply for a credit using your data, the credit reporting services will contact you.

I'm not sure what to advise--certainly marriage counseling and individual counseling for her. If she refuses, see an attorney immediately and file a formal separation and establish temporary orders. In those order, make her responsible for her debt and you responsible for yours during the separation.

I know you think she is a good mother, but anyone who lies like this is not a good role model for your child. She has damaged the trust you had for her.

Sending hugs!