Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
We have a blended family, I have 2 kids, 1 boy and a 16 year old pregnant daughter. My husband has one 21 yr old daughter, we're married since 2005 and at first he was a partner. Working with me to support house and everyone. As time went on he started smoking marijuana and drinking. He basically stoped working a few years ago but his mom past on and left some money which helped pay our mortgage. Then he worked and stopped again. Each time stopping he used marjuana and drinking. He does by the way suffer from mental illness and has been on medication but also over the yrs takes i and stops. When he stops he just sleeps all day, no motivation or ambiion. I took my saving, out and some money from my 401k to catch up on the mortgage and not lose the house. Over the last year we fight about him not working. I tell him to go into the office. I'm treated to leave over the years. Finally I told my stepdaughter a week ago that the kids and I are going to move on because my daugher is having a baby. The mortgage company want to foreclose on the house and I already did one modification a yr ago. She freaked out, loves me and the kids. So whatever she said to her dad I don't know but a week now he's been in the office everyday. I do have some money from a pension plan we had to cash in which was prior to me meeting him have contacted an attorney to file a legal separation but no paperwork has been completed yet. I'm so confused because I do love him, his sense of humor and he has always been loving towards me, easy going but I'm very upset with him. I don't know if I should give him another chance or not? My mind says leave and my heart says stay. Yet I also feels leaving him while he's working is better so he can support himself and his daughter. I was feeling guilty about filing while he wasn't making any money. Another thing which bohers me is I've been talking with him for weeks prior and he hasn' worked but his daughter talks to him and he starts working. Makes me believe that even if he works now he'll go back to not working. What are your thoughts?
You can't control his behavior. You can't make him work. All you can do is take care of yourself. Don't be dependent on him, and don't let him be dependent on you. If you still love him, and he loves you, you can make it work, but you both have to try.
I absolutely agree with Cheryt. Please do not dip into your retirement any more. You will be so very sorry. This guy is getting worse instead of better. You definitely need to take care of yourself and your girls.
Absolutely have your own account where your money goes.
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Sadly, he expects you or someone else to pay the mortgage when you have already dipped into your 401K to pay mortgage payments and did a loan modification, and right now the mortgage company is looking to foreclose. No more.
As much as you love him, when he stops working and is off his medication, he is not a provider, a husband nor a father and is smoking pot and drinking alcohol which isn't good for you or any of the kids. I wouldn't want it in my home or around my kids and you shouldn't want it in yours either. You can't love him out of this.
If it were me, it would be time for the brain to overrule the heart and leave with the kids now and continue with the separation and divorce. This isn't going to get better because he's just going to continue the pattern. I truly wish you hadn't done the modification on the mortgage as he didn't hold his end up.
No kids should see their Dad like this. It's a crime that his 21-year old daughter has to call him in order to get him to pull his act together and be a man, husband and father, but he won't do it for you and the other two kids. No way, you leave.
I don't see anything here for you and your kids. He needs intensive long-term therapy and I don't know if he will consider it. I think he will always go off his meds, use pot and drink alcohol. But that should not be your problem any more.
When you leave and seek divorce, he can still seek therapy and get help for himself, but it's important that he does it himself--you can't do it for him and you can't force him to do it.
He's never going to be able to keep the mortgage paid because he doesn't work and smokes weed and drinks. Run fast with the kids. You should have been long gone by now.