Sorry for your pain. I copied and pasted this from another area on DS here is a short cut for more good stuff it you like to see what else there is: http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/welcome-to-bud

How to Let Go of a Past Relationship: 10 Steps to Move On Peacefully
Posted on 01/31/11, 04:09 pm
-from Tiny Buddha (http://tinybuddha.com/)
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How to Let Go of a Past Relationship: 10 Steps to Move On Peacefully

by Lori Deschene

The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart. ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Nine years ago my heart was in a million little pieces that formed the basis for a million regrets.

I had my first serious relationship in college, when all my insecurities came to a head. My ex-boyfriend had to juggle multiple roles, from therapist to cheerleader to babysitter.

The whole relationship revolved around holding me up. I realized this soon after it endedthat I spent three years expecting someone else to love me when I didnt love myself. The guilt and shame kept me single for almost a decade.

I dated, but it was always casual. Id start getting close to someone and then find a way to sabotage it.

Long after I let go of the man, feelings about the relationship held me back. I was afraid of being vulnerable. I was afraid of being hurt. But mostly I was afraid of hurting someone else again and having to live with that.

If youve been holding onto an old relationship, now is the perfect time to let go. Heres how you can start moving on:

1. Practice releasing regrets.

When a relationship ends, its tempting to dwell on what you did wrong or what you could have done differently. This might seem productivelike you can somehow change things by rehashing it. You cant.

All dwelling does is cause you to suffer. When you start revisiting the past in your head, pull yourself into the moment. Focus on the good things in your current situation: the friends who are there for you and the lessons youve learned that will help you with future relationships.

It might help to tell your friends to only let you vent for 10 minutes at a time. That way youre free to express your feelings, but not drown in them.

2. Work on forgiving yourself.

You might think you made the biggest mistake of your life, and if only you didnt do it you wouldnt be in pain right now. Dont go down that roadtheres nothing good down there!

Instead, keep reminding yourself that you are human. Youre entitled to make mistakes; everyone does. And you will learn from them and use those lessons to improve your life.

Also, keep in mind: if you want to feel love again in the future, the first step is to prepare yourself to give and receive it. You can only do that if you feel love toward yourself; and that means forgiving yourself.

3. Dont think about any time as lost.

If I looked at that unhealthy relationship or the following decade as time lost, Id underestimate all the amazing things I did in that time. True, I was single throughout my 20s, but that made it easier to travel and devote myself to different passions.

If youve been clinging to the past for a while and now feel youve missed out, shift the focus to everything youve gained. Maybe youve built great friendships or made great progress in your career.

When you focus on the positive, its easier to move on because youll feel empowered and not victimized (by your ex, by yourself, or by time.) Whatever happened in the past, it prepared you for nowand now is full of opportunities for growth, peace, and happiness.

4. Remember the bad as well as the good.

Brain scientists suggest nearly 20 percent of us suffer from complicated griefa persistent sense of longing for someone we lost with romanticized memories of the relationship. Scientists also suggest this is a biological occurrence; that the longing can have an addictive quality to it, actually rooted in our brain chemistry.

As a result, we tend to remember everything with reverie, as if it was all sunshine and roses. If your ex broke up with you, it may be even more tempting to imagine she or he was perfect and you werent. In all reality, you both have strengths and weaknesses and you both made mistakes.

Remember them now. As I mentioned in the post 40 Ways to Let Go and Feel Less Pain (http://tinybuddha.com/blog/40-ways-... its easier to let go of a human than a hero.

5. Reconnect with who you are outside a relationship.

Unless you hop from relationship to relationship, odds are you lived a fulfilling single life before you got into this one. You were strong, satisfied and happyat least on the whole.

Remember that person now. Reconnect with any people or interests that may have received less attention while you were attached.

The strong, happy, passionate person you were attracted your ex. That person will get you through this loss and attract someone equally amazing in the future when the time is right. Not a sad, depressed, guilt-ridden person clutching to what once was. If you cant remember who you are, get to know yourself now. What do you love about life?

6. Create separation.

Hope can be a terrible thing if it keeps you stuck in the past. Its not easy to end all contact when you feel attached to someone. Breaking off the friendship might feel like ruining your chances at knowing love again.

Its helped me to change my hopes to broader terms. So instead of wanting a specific person to re-enter your life, want love and happinesswhatever that may look like.

You will know love again. You wont spend the rest of your life alone. In one way or another, you will meet all kinds of people and create all kinds of possibilities for relationshipsif you forgive yourself, let go, and open yourself up, that is.

7. Let yourself feel.

Losing a relationship can feel like a mini-death, complete with a grieving process.

First youre shocked and in denial. You dont believe its over and you hold out hope. Next you feel hurt and guilty. You should have done things differently. If you did you wouldnt be in this pain.

Then you feel angry and maybe even start bargaining. It would be different if you gave it a second go. You wouldnt be so insecure, defensive, or demanding. Then you might feel depressed and lonely as it hits you how much youve lost.

Eventually you start accepting what happened and shift your focus from the past to the future.

You have to go through the feelings as they come, but you can help yourself get through them faster. For example, if youre dwelling in guilt, make forgiving yourself a daily practice. Read books on it, meditate about it or write about it in a journal.

8. Remember the benefits of moving on.

When you let go, you give yourself peace.

Everything about holding on is torturous. You regret, you feel ashamed and guilty, you rehash, you obsessits all an exercise in suffering. The only way to feel peace is to quiet the thoughts that threaten it.

Letting go opens you up to new possibilities.

When youre holding onto something, youre less open to giving and receiving anything else.

If you had your arms wrapped around a huge bucket of water, you wouldnt be able to give anything other than that bucket, or grab anything else that came your way. You might even struggle breathing because youre clutching something so all-encompassing with so much effort.

You have to give to receive. Give love to get love, share joy to feel joy. Its only possible if youre open and receptive.

9. Recognize and replace fearful thoughts.

When youre holding onto a relationship, its usually more about attachment than love. Love wants for the other persons happiness. Fear wants to hold onto whatever appears to make you happy so you dont have to feel the alternative.

You might not recognize these types of fearful thoughts because they become habitual. Some examples include: Ill never feel loved again. Ill always feel lonely. I am completely powerless. Replace those thoughts with: All pain passes eventually. It will be easier if I help them pass by being mindful. I cant always control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it.

10. Embrace impermanence.

Nothing in life lasts forever. Every experience and relationship eventually runs its course.

The best way to embrace impermanence is to translate it into action. Treat each day as a life unto itself. Appreciate the people in front of you as if it were their last day on earth. Find little things to gain in every moment instead of dwelling on what you lost.

When I feel like clinging to experiences and people, I remind myself the unknown can be a curse or an adventure. Its up to me whether or not Im strong and positive enough to see it as the latter.