its been 17 days since my husband told me he can't be in this relationship anymore.  17 days where my heart breaks and tears flow.  

 We both feel his depression.  It's taken me awhile to realize he's been in this depression for quite awhile.  

We had a seperation in the summer for 2 months, went to marriage counselling, but I didn't know he was depressed....didn't even clue in.  Marriage counselling does not help depression.....we were treating the wrong thing.   I kept begging him to move back home....he was hesitant, but he did.   Very awkward....the kids and I were walking on eggshells, to try to make him happy and show him how much we value him and his wants and needs.  Didn't help....he still wasn't the same man he used to be....he was just very quiet, not really interacting.  Yes....he'd talk, and have conversations....but not like he used to.   Not just with me and the girls....but others as well.  

Hes been in his head too much, overthinking, anxious, not sleeping, not eating, losing weight, pulling away from me.   

I guess he thought leaving his family was the solution for his depression.  He didn't want us to walk on eggshells, or quit being our happy selves, or change who we are to accommodate him.  

Hes been to the dr....full work up, and the results...he's healthy...but stressed from the situation.   Ummm....no!  We are in this situation because of the depression!  

Even being seperated, he's still not sleeping well.  He's eating now because he's dealing with this by working it hard at the gym, and just working lots of hours.  He's just avoiding the real issue.  

I really hope he is not throwing away 24 years together over his depression.  I try to be positive when I see him, or text him, but when he's not, I'm not great.  I just have bad thoughts that maybe what caused his depression is that he really doesn't want to be with me and he's been faking it for the past year.

I still get hugs when he comes over (2 evenings a week to pick up girls and take them to dance)...once when he comes in, and again when he leaves.  He tells me how it's going at the gym, and wanted me to touch him to feel his progress. (Talk about torture, when I just want to rip his clothes off and really touch him everywhere!) 

in texts I still get "I love you".....but in an email when he first left he said he would always love me.   So confused.  I really want to believe that he is working on helping himself....and that he'll be back here one day.

im taking care of me and my girls.  I'm still going to work, even though when I'm home I really don't want to, but then when I'm at work, I really don't want to go home because he is not there.  I don't want to go out and be social, but I force myself to.