Breakups & Divorce Support Group
Just broke up with someone or in the midst of a difficult divorce? Breaking up is difficult no matter what the circumstances are. They say that time heals all wounds, but sometimes a listening ear or a hug can work wonders for the heart. Whether you need a place to vent, someone to hold you to No Contact, or need advice about what to do, we're here to help.
My girlfriend broke off our relationship Friday for the third time in the three months we've been together. The previous two times I honored her request to not contact her, and both times after several days she texted me, asking if she could call me. On the call, she told me how much she missed me, and that she loved me and wanted to reconcile. Both times I agreed. I will once again honor her request and leave her be.
This last time the reason was we are completely different people and she is correct. I am mellow, patient, calm, understanding and tolerant. By her own admission (and it's true) she is inpatient, easily irritated and stresses out easily. She also has trust issues (which she also admits) stemming from her past relationships, including her ex whom she divorced 10 years ago during her pregnancy with triplets because he was cheating on her.
I know it was a short relationship, but we did know each other as co-workers for almost three years, and were quite close at work. We both smoke and took smoke breaks together, ate at the caff together, and IM'd each other often during the day. We also did the occasional happy hour with other co-workers and several trips to the local Indian casino. She taught me the basics of craps. We did get to know each other quite well, and she opened up about much of her life to me.
Anyway, from our very first date the chemistry was absolutely incredible. She told me she literally had a rainbow of colors flashing across her closed eyelids on the first kiss. The first 4 4 or 5 weeks were absolutely incredible. Things just took off so danged fast. We talked about marriage and she even told me one night if I asked her to elope that night, she would. She said everything about me was absolutely perfect, and she felt more comfortable than with any man she had ever known. It wasn't even close. She asked me to promise I would never, ever leave her.
I felt the same way. God, I do truly love this lady.
Anyway, after the second breakup I did know there was something unhealthy about the relationship, but when she wanted to reconcile I decided to give it another try. I did have a conversation with her about the trust issue, saying if this was to last, the relationship had to be built on a foundation of trust.
So this time it fell apart because she says we are just too different and too many things about me annoy and irritate her. And yeah, I did start to pick up on that. I was too slow unwrapping a Lindtt chocolate bar I bought especially for her because it's her absolute favorite. She snipped at me, asking what's taking so long and I'm just like her father, krinkling foil and all! A few nights ago we were watching a DVD of The Office, and as she went to the kitchen to set the table and get the boys ready for dinner, they weren't exactly cooperating and she then snapped at me to "Pause that DVD!". Heheh, it is a DVD and we can always rewind it back to the spot she wanted after dinner. She also has to hear every last word of dialogue while watching a show or movie. I basically can't talk unless there's a pause in the dialogue.
Finally Thursday night I had enough. Afer putting her boys to bed a 9 PM, we sat on the couch to watch some TV. She layed back on one end, and put her legs over mine, which had her favorite snuggly blanket folded up over my thighs. She was cold, so I asked if she wanted the blanket over her, and she said yes. So I grabbed one end, pulled it under her legs, over her feet, and handed the end to her, which she pulled up to her shoulders. Then she got really annoyed because she couldn't get the last fold out of the blanket, which was under her feet. She snapped at me "What are you doing?". I asked if I was irritating her, and she snapped back "You constantly irritate me!". I was very hurt and even shocked. So I pushed her legs off mine and got up off the couch. She asked what was I doing, and I said going home. She asked me to please sit down, saying she was sorry and only half joking. Half joking? Against my better judgement I stayed. So anyway, here we are, I can't do anything but hold her hand because she's more comfortable laying on the end of the couch with her feet over my legs. We are watching Sex and the City, which I don't particularly like, and I'm afraid to talk to her because I know that wiull annoy her. So I just close my eyes and rested my head back against the couch. After a few minutes she asked if I was sleeping. I said "No, I'm just bored. I can basically do this at home. Watch something I don't like and not interact with anyone". I don't exactly remember what happened next, but I do remember going to the mud room, putting my sneakers on, and walking back into the living room. The TV was now off, and her head was down in thought. I walked over and kissed her forehead, and we agreed to talk it over the next day.
Okay, so the next day comes and she calls me at 8 AM and tells me I'm not going to like the conversation. That we are totally different people, she doesn't need the stress and drama, and she just wants her little world back of herself, her home and her three boys. I told her I understood and would respect her wishes. She ended the call with 'Have a good day'.
Anyway, the next day I just happened to notice she defriended me on facebook, so I typed her name into the search engine and it seemed she also blocked me. I was a little hurt at that, considering the past two breakups I did in fact respect her privacy. So I just felt compelled to send her a text and here it is:
"True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is just one more way of saying I love you. There's no need to block me on facebook. Seriously, I won't bother you. I do know we both have very strong feelings for each other, but I do agree with you we are incompatible. I wish it was otherwise but I believe you are correct. Again, no hard feelings on my part and I wish you the best. I will always cherish the good times we had, and I thank you for all you gave me."
She responded she didn't block me, but de-activated her account entirely. That seems a little drastic to me.
Allow me to digress a bit. The relationship was made in Heaven the first 4 or 5 weeks, until late one night one of her boys walked into the bedroom without knocking and caught us having sex. She reaked, saying what a horrible mother she was, what a jerk she was, and a 10 year old boy never, ever should have seen that. I basically agreed it was stupid of us to be doing that with the boys in the house, and we should have reserved that to those weekends when they were with the ex. By the way, she was the initiator of sex. The first time and every time afterwards. I thought it was happening way too fast, but as I said, the chemsitry was just so intense and I guess I lost myself in those moments, against my better judgement.
From that point on I was to leave when the boys went to bed. We couldn't even sit on the couch. That rule loosened up a bit, but the sitting on the couch was very tame. Basically as I described above. Her laying down with her legs over mine (I was sitting up) and us just holding hands. Oh yeah, I got the occassional hug, embrace and kisses, but they became less and less frequent and passionate.
I was always very understanding of her and her concerns, especially in regard to her boys. I truly understood how important they were to her, and I also cared about them and her realtionship with them. I would never put myself ahead of this. I did many things with all of them, with absolutely no regret or resentment. I actually enjoyed it. I took them to a tree farm to cut down a christmas tree. I went with her to take them sledding several times. I played scrabble, monopoly, Jengah, Uno, Wii and lots of other games with the boys. I helped them with their after school studies at times.
I helped her with her house. I repaired several spindels on the bannister. I helped her cart off several pieces of furniture to Goodwill. I went with her to pickup a new couch and recliner, taking them home in my pickup. I helped her move a large entertainment center from upstairs into the living room. Last Saturday I helped her steamclean all the carpets in a 2400 square foot house. That took about 8 hours with all the scrubbing of spots from stains the boys created.
All this I did because I truly enjoyed it. It made her happy and that made me happy. I always told her it didn't matter what we were doing, what mattered is we were doing it together.
Anyway, I know I'm rambling and throwing out tons of stuff here. Guess I just need to get it all off my chest. I still love her dearly and I'm not even angry or bitter. At least not yet, and I don't want to go to that place either. I just feel a keen sense of loss, a gaping hole within.
Now I do know this relationship cannot work, at least as it stood at the end. I know I have to let her go and that is my goal and I will do so. That is unless she contacts me yet again and wants to give it another go. I know I should absolutely not agree to reconciliation. Not under any circumstance. Well, unless maybe she's ready for professional therapy and after a time (probably quite a long time) she can show me more respect and consideration.
A couple of other things. Even when things were going absolutely great, she repeatedly asked me two things, literally dozens of times: 1) Why are you so nice to me? 2) Am I ever mean to you? Another strange incident when we used to snuggle and embrace in her bed for hours and hours on end, whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears, I whispered a verse from our song (The Turtles Happy Together) into her ear: "No matter how they roll the dice it had to be, The only one for me is you, and you for me". She absolutely freaked out, asking if I could read her mind, becasue at the exact moment I whispered it, she was thinking of that very same verse! She was very frightened by the thought I could read her mind, because she said there are thoughts going through her mind she would be very uncomfortable with me knowing!
Here's something else. When I first asked her out on August 30th, 2010, she initially agreed, asking me not to tell anyone at work. The next day she had second thoughts, telling me it would not be a good idea for co-workers to date. If things went badly it would be weird and uncomfortable, and she positively could not afford to lose her job, as she had her three boys to look after. Later I did find out she was seeing some guy long-distance, but it was on the outs. Anyway, three weeks after we did start dating, she in fact dod quit her job without another lined up. Too much job-related stress. It was driving her out of her mind, and taking too much time away from all her house chores and quality time with her boys! Hmm... She also started getting 1-800 calls a couple of weeks ago for educatinal and job opportunites. Someone had registered her and provided her address and phone number to these services. She actually asked if it was me! You know, when she did quit her job I was concerned, but I told her I understood and would give her all the support I could. She should take the time to regroup, relieve herself of the pent-up stress, and then she could figure out what she wanted to do. So I was kind of taken aback that she would even consider for the briefest moment it was me behind the mailings and calls.
Okay, I'm finished rambling. Any comments are greatly appreciated. I know all I typed is my own perception, but maybe someone else can see something hidden within my words that I don't see? I'm not pretending I'm perfect, and I'm only looking to move on with a better understanding.
I don't believe she will contact me for a reconciliation, but I didn't think that the previous two times. If she does I am going to need all the support I can get, because even though right now my mind is telling me I should run as fast as I can, my heart is not in agreement with that at all!
Sorry for the length and disconnected ramblings of this post. Heheh, my mind is literally going in a thousand different directions. Lookinf for answers and also the strength to not tkae her back should she want to reconcile.
This last time the reason was we are completely different people and she is correct. I am mellow, patient, calm, understanding and tolerant. By her own admission (and it's true) she is inpatient, easily irritated and stresses out easily. She also has trust issues (which she also admits) stemming from her past relationships, including her ex whom she divorced 10 years ago during her pregnancy with triplets because he was cheating on her.
I know it was a short relationship, but we did know each other as co-workers for almost three years, and were quite close at work. We both smoke and took smoke breaks together, ate at the caff together, and IM'd each other often during the day. We also did the occasional happy hour with other co-workers and several trips to the local Indian casino. She taught me the basics of craps. We did get to know each other quite well, and she opened up about much of her life to me.
Anyway, from our very first date the chemistry was absolutely incredible. She told me she literally had a rainbow of colors flashing across her closed eyelids on the first kiss. The first 4 4 or 5 weeks were absolutely incredible. Things just took off so danged fast. We talked about marriage and she even told me one night if I asked her to elope that night, she would. She said everything about me was absolutely perfect, and she felt more comfortable than with any man she had ever known. It wasn't even close. She asked me to promise I would never, ever leave her.
I felt the same way. God, I do truly love this lady.
Anyway, after the second breakup I did know there was something unhealthy about the relationship, but when she wanted to reconcile I decided to give it another try. I did have a conversation with her about the trust issue, saying if this was to last, the relationship had to be built on a foundation of trust.
So this time it fell apart because she says we are just too different and too many things about me annoy and irritate her. And yeah, I did start to pick up on that. I was too slow unwrapping a Lindtt chocolate bar I bought especially for her because it's her absolute favorite. She snipped at me, asking what's taking so long and I'm just like her father, krinkling foil and all! A few nights ago we were watching a DVD of The Office, and as she went to the kitchen to set the table and get the boys ready for dinner, they weren't exactly cooperating and she then snapped at me to "Pause that DVD!". Heheh, it is a DVD and we can always rewind it back to the spot she wanted after dinner. She also has to hear every last word of dialogue while watching a show or movie. I basically can't talk unless there's a pause in the dialogue.
Finally Thursday night I had enough. Afer putting her boys to bed a 9 PM, we sat on the couch to watch some TV. She layed back on one end, and put her legs over mine, which had her favorite snuggly blanket folded up over my thighs. She was cold, so I asked if she wanted the blanket over her, and she said yes. So I grabbed one end, pulled it under her legs, over her feet, and handed the end to her, which she pulled up to her shoulders. Then she got really annoyed because she couldn't get the last fold out of the blanket, which was under her feet. She snapped at me "What are you doing?". I asked if I was irritating her, and she snapped back "You constantly irritate me!". I was very hurt and even shocked. So I pushed her legs off mine and got up off the couch. She asked what was I doing, and I said going home. She asked me to please sit down, saying she was sorry and only half joking. Half joking? Against my better judgement I stayed. So anyway, here we are, I can't do anything but hold her hand because she's more comfortable laying on the end of the couch with her feet over my legs. We are watching Sex and the City, which I don't particularly like, and I'm afraid to talk to her because I know that wiull annoy her. So I just close my eyes and rested my head back against the couch. After a few minutes she asked if I was sleeping. I said "No, I'm just bored. I can basically do this at home. Watch something I don't like and not interact with anyone". I don't exactly remember what happened next, but I do remember going to the mud room, putting my sneakers on, and walking back into the living room. The TV was now off, and her head was down in thought. I walked over and kissed her forehead, and we agreed to talk it over the next day.
Okay, so the next day comes and she calls me at 8 AM and tells me I'm not going to like the conversation. That we are totally different people, she doesn't need the stress and drama, and she just wants her little world back of herself, her home and her three boys. I told her I understood and would respect her wishes. She ended the call with 'Have a good day'.
Anyway, the next day I just happened to notice she defriended me on facebook, so I typed her name into the search engine and it seemed she also blocked me. I was a little hurt at that, considering the past two breakups I did in fact respect her privacy. So I just felt compelled to send her a text and here it is:
"True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is just one more way of saying I love you. There's no need to block me on facebook. Seriously, I won't bother you. I do know we both have very strong feelings for each other, but I do agree with you we are incompatible. I wish it was otherwise but I believe you are correct. Again, no hard feelings on my part and I wish you the best. I will always cherish the good times we had, and I thank you for all you gave me."
She responded she didn't block me, but de-activated her account entirely. That seems a little drastic to me.
Allow me to digress a bit. The relationship was made in Heaven the first 4 or 5 weeks, until late one night one of her boys walked into the bedroom without knocking and caught us having sex. She reaked, saying what a horrible mother she was, what a jerk she was, and a 10 year old boy never, ever should have seen that. I basically agreed it was stupid of us to be doing that with the boys in the house, and we should have reserved that to those weekends when they were with the ex. By the way, she was the initiator of sex. The first time and every time afterwards. I thought it was happening way too fast, but as I said, the chemsitry was just so intense and I guess I lost myself in those moments, against my better judgement.
From that point on I was to leave when the boys went to bed. We couldn't even sit on the couch. That rule loosened up a bit, but the sitting on the couch was very tame. Basically as I described above. Her laying down with her legs over mine (I was sitting up) and us just holding hands. Oh yeah, I got the occassional hug, embrace and kisses, but they became less and less frequent and passionate.
I was always very understanding of her and her concerns, especially in regard to her boys. I truly understood how important they were to her, and I also cared about them and her realtionship with them. I would never put myself ahead of this. I did many things with all of them, with absolutely no regret or resentment. I actually enjoyed it. I took them to a tree farm to cut down a christmas tree. I went with her to take them sledding several times. I played scrabble, monopoly, Jengah, Uno, Wii and lots of other games with the boys. I helped them with their after school studies at times.
I helped her with her house. I repaired several spindels on the bannister. I helped her cart off several pieces of furniture to Goodwill. I went with her to pickup a new couch and recliner, taking them home in my pickup. I helped her move a large entertainment center from upstairs into the living room. Last Saturday I helped her steamclean all the carpets in a 2400 square foot house. That took about 8 hours with all the scrubbing of spots from stains the boys created.
All this I did because I truly enjoyed it. It made her happy and that made me happy. I always told her it didn't matter what we were doing, what mattered is we were doing it together.
Anyway, I know I'm rambling and throwing out tons of stuff here. Guess I just need to get it all off my chest. I still love her dearly and I'm not even angry or bitter. At least not yet, and I don't want to go to that place either. I just feel a keen sense of loss, a gaping hole within.
Now I do know this relationship cannot work, at least as it stood at the end. I know I have to let her go and that is my goal and I will do so. That is unless she contacts me yet again and wants to give it another go. I know I should absolutely not agree to reconciliation. Not under any circumstance. Well, unless maybe she's ready for professional therapy and after a time (probably quite a long time) she can show me more respect and consideration.
A couple of other things. Even when things were going absolutely great, she repeatedly asked me two things, literally dozens of times: 1) Why are you so nice to me? 2) Am I ever mean to you? Another strange incident when we used to snuggle and embrace in her bed for hours and hours on end, whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears, I whispered a verse from our song (The Turtles Happy Together) into her ear: "No matter how they roll the dice it had to be, The only one for me is you, and you for me". She absolutely freaked out, asking if I could read her mind, becasue at the exact moment I whispered it, she was thinking of that very same verse! She was very frightened by the thought I could read her mind, because she said there are thoughts going through her mind she would be very uncomfortable with me knowing!
Here's something else. When I first asked her out on August 30th, 2010, she initially agreed, asking me not to tell anyone at work. The next day she had second thoughts, telling me it would not be a good idea for co-workers to date. If things went badly it would be weird and uncomfortable, and she positively could not afford to lose her job, as she had her three boys to look after. Later I did find out she was seeing some guy long-distance, but it was on the outs. Anyway, three weeks after we did start dating, she in fact dod quit her job without another lined up. Too much job-related stress. It was driving her out of her mind, and taking too much time away from all her house chores and quality time with her boys! Hmm... She also started getting 1-800 calls a couple of weeks ago for educatinal and job opportunites. Someone had registered her and provided her address and phone number to these services. She actually asked if it was me! You know, when she did quit her job I was concerned, but I told her I understood and would give her all the support I could. She should take the time to regroup, relieve herself of the pent-up stress, and then she could figure out what she wanted to do. So I was kind of taken aback that she would even consider for the briefest moment it was me behind the mailings and calls.
Okay, I'm finished rambling. Any comments are greatly appreciated. I know all I typed is my own perception, but maybe someone else can see something hidden within my words that I don't see? I'm not pretending I'm perfect, and I'm only looking to move on with a better understanding.
I don't believe she will contact me for a reconciliation, but I didn't think that the previous two times. If she does I am going to need all the support I can get, because even though right now my mind is telling me I should run as fast as I can, my heart is not in agreement with that at all!
Sorry for the length and disconnected ramblings of this post. Heheh, my mind is literally going in a thousand different directions. Lookinf for answers and also the strength to not tkae her back should she want to reconcile.
honestly- i did not read this all because it was way too long. i have been divorced for over 5 months now and i dont think ive ever even written a journal entry that was this long- and i was married.
im not minimizing your pain- i just think something bigger is going on here. why dont you learn how to be alone for awhile? get into counseling, make new friends, get some hobbies, get a 2nd job, volunteer, whatever. make your life rich. stop feeding into this drama of this relationship. i got exhausted just looking at how much you typed out-
best of luck to you.
Daniel77 - Thanks man. I did adopt the NC rule the first two times (and I will this time too) and she was the one to initiate contact and ask for reconciliation. I know I can't do that yet again. I don't expect her to seek another round, but I didn't the first two times.
I think this girl sounds way to immature for a relationship. You should just ignore her from now on out and not answer her if she calls or texts. She sounds like a brat, not sure why you would want to put up with all that.
I think you should be able to write how ever much you like no matter the length of it. Alot of times it does make a person feel better to get it off their chest.
Best of luck to you.
iquitnow - Of course you are right. I know I should totally let go to the point of not even acknowledging her if in fact she does contact me once again after 4 or 5 days. As I said, that's what my mind tells me. Now I'm working at pulling my heart closer to that position. I will admit it is not as painful this time around. I've had practice and I've now admitted that not only did the relationship turn unhealthy after a time, but almost right from the start there were some subtle warning signs I conveniently ignored. The shine has in fact worn off the apple.
I need to pull my own heart to the postion I know is correct in my brain, I wish it were easier. sigh...
You should be doing a lot of thinking as to why you would allow anyone to use you and abuse you the way she has.
And while I'm here disapproving of things that are none of my business, I must say that I think you were way too involved in the lives of her sons, considering the short length of time you knew their mother. I don't think she should be bringing men in and out of their lives that way.
I must say that she sounds like an altogether unpleasant woman. Selfish and unduly critical.
Sometimes, it gets to the point where you're no longer a nice guy, you're just a chump. I'd say you've reached that point. If that's what you want to be, you'll find plenty of women looking for a guy just like you.
If your as nice a guy as you say you are, why don't you hold out for a woman who's worthy of you? Now, THAT would be a relationship worth having!!!!
Good luck. I hope you kick her to the curb if she calls you again!
But yeah, in all other respects you are right. I did allow her to put me through the wringer. Starting this Tuesday I'll be attending a weekly CoDA meeting. I know I was invloved in some codependent behaviors. I admit that, and acknowledgement is the first step to healing. Can't heal a problem we won't admit we have.
I also realize the relationship was toxic and there's absolutely no possibility of a healthy one with her. I just have to keep telling this to myself. That's the meaning I have to attach to it.
Will she contact me for reconciliation? My mind says no, but that's what I thought the first two times. The entire force of my intellect is telling me that under no circumstance should I agree to reconcile. My heart is a lot closer to that position this time, but not 100% in agreement.
I'm a programmer/analyst by trade, and right now and for the first time I'm trying my best to be objective in my analysis. That's the reason for the length of my first post. ;) It really is helping me steel my will in the event she does contact me.
well i thought i was the king of long post's haha ... seriously i didn't mind reading your post at all it was very interesting and full of detail i believe it's the only way .
maybe we can have a post off ? lol , getting to business though now im an outsider here so im only reading this as i see it , you know what you have to do ... right ? im not saying anything but you know whats right for you .. secondly your ex seems like she hasn't shared herself with you properly and it seems that your or were in the honey moon stage so of course your love for her would be intense, to me and honestly she seems to be carrying alot of baggage do you want that ?
i had an ex years ago i made excuses to be with her ,she had relationship issues it should have been nailed on the head in the first 6 month's,we stayed together though and i wasted 4.5 years of my life ,your lucky you have the chance to opt out of something now so believe me think about what your future will be like ? ask yourself will she change ..your gut will tell you that answer no one here will ...
I have been doing LC at the moment this is good because i have been able to feel the situation out , no begging no pleading , just a quick text like last week was nice to talk to you etc.. i have been getting mixed messages from her , im not ready to see you yet etc.. or ask for a coffee ... i get mmmm ? well she may think she has the power but i tell yu it's drying up very quickly lol. my point here is you say looking for answers but it's staring you right in the face ?
it seems like there is a power struggle going on in your situation, so i suggest apply NC if not do something like LC and then feel your way along, you will then know what's going on ...? this month has been a struggle for me with NC and then LC but i think your answers are there but you just need space ..be kind to yourself o.k ? she isn't and don't let her treat you like an elevator, your important just like anyone else. better stop now i might get competetive with long winded posts .
Seriously, thanks for a good laugh with that!! At times like these laughter is a potent balm.
Yeah, I know what I must do, or more appropiately not do (take her back!). Of course that has to be my decision, and my decision alone. I think talking it over with others and typing it out here, listening and taking in other's feedback, helps me to not go into denial mode. It's a reinforcement of what I do already know deep down inside.
You are also correct that it's best it happened very early in the relationship, and not much further down the road. Not only for me but also for her boys. They are probably confused enough. About a year and a half ago she had a 1 year relationship fall apart and one of her laments was her boys were getting very close to the guy.
I know I can't worry about any of this. I can't help her or her boys, only me. That is what's within my power. I only have control over my thoughts, feelings and actions.
For me I do think absolute NC is best. I feel LC might leave open or re-open the door for one or both of us. Even though I'm feeling a keen loss, I am not going to initiate contact. My mind is overriding my heart on this point.
Will she change? Not unless she thinks there's a need to change, and from my understanding she believes she is perfectly happy and she's let go of all the hurt from her past.
Again, thanks for the Post Off laugh! What a great way to start off my day!!! :)