Not sure where to start. But I guess Im just about ready to throw away all in my life and ask my wife of 22 years for a divorce. I finally admitted to myself a couple of years ago that I was in a long term mentally and verbally abusive marriage. Dont get me wrong I love my wife deeply and I really think she loves me, but she turns her love on and off like a water faucet. And it does not matter what I think if it does not go with what she wants. My two grown daughters both wonder why I put up with the way their mom treats me. My wife told me from the beginning that she was not a cuddly or a touch person, but growing up in a affectionate family I just did not understand that. So Now I am feeling very EMPTY inside. As a man I ache for the touch, smell, warmth of a woman, (I have been lucky if she has let me near her more than 7 or 8 times a year for the past 10 years; one stretch was sex five times in two years.) and not have to beg for it. In 22 years there was never one time did she say, Ignore the alarm clock, be late for work!, I learned a long time ago to not try initiate sex. And now I cant, wont try because it is easier to live in abstinence than to face possible rejection. In the past even if I was lucky enough to get to have sex I knew that she would throw little digs at my manhood, ability or performance for days or weeks (I tell myself how can you be any good if you dont practice, but that has long stopped helping too). Now I wonder if I was in the position to start a new relationship, if I could really perform or not? Yep my heads been messed with.

I stayed for all these yeas because I needed my daughters and they needed me to be the buffer between them and their mom. And I knew if I left she would have taken the girls away where I could not have seen them or been a part of their lives. My oldest would meet me outside and tell me Moms on a Mad and I would know not to even attempt to try and kiss her HI, or ask a question or make a statement that would require a response.

I tried to seek help a couple of years back and I called the local abuse hot line. The woman on the line laughed at me and said they were for abused women, I could just get up and walk out if I felt I was abused!. I once asked my wife to go to counseling but her reply was Why do I want to go to someone who will tell me to change, when I dont want to change. There is nothing wrong with me. I went to some counseling this spring and it helped, some. Did not tell me anything I did not know, but gave me a place to vent. I do have another appointment in two weeks.

If I divorce her I will be seen as the bad guy. Im the one with a career; she works part time, but she does not like having to do that. She is very good at what she does but she does not get along with unprofessional people, and many of the younger people in the workforce do not have a hi self work standard. Way too may bills to pay to keep up two households. As a couple we are fortunate, but a divorce will be finically devastating. I make OK money but she has always done the bills. Our ideas about spending differ too. I have always been a If I can pay for it out of my pocket, then I can consider buying it type of a guy. She is a bill juggler; First of the Month, Middle and end of the month bills. If I had not had a good savings account before we were married, making bills when the girls were young would have been bad. Once or twice a year we would end up a pay check behind and I would have to hit the savings account. We have probably lived at a higher standard of living because of her juggling bills and not to say that is wrong, it is just different than the way that I would do things.

Do I move out or ask her to? She has a couple of friends that she goes out with, but our life together has not left me the opportunity to foster any friendships, just work. And now that I am a supervisor I have become One of Them (management/bad guys) and my old co-worker network of understanding is gone.

Work has been my savior. When things are bad at home I threw myself into work. Now I say If you see a person with consistently outstanding performance reviews, his home life sucks!, either because he works so hard at work, home is bad, or home is bad so he works hard.

Talking about my wife going out with her friends: I got a bonus from work last January so for our 22nd anniversary, I made a little certificate and gave the check to her stating: that her support is what enabled me to excel at work. I told her that it would mostly pay for a trip to Hawaii that we have always wanted to go on. She said it would just go to pay bills, but then a week latter she told me that she was taking her girlfriend to Los Vegas for her friends birthday and a girls weekend out. It also fell at Valentines Day! I was hurt some, but said OK glad she finally has a woman to talk with besides our oldest daughter. I know what some people would be thinking right now, but it was just a girl weekend. Did I mention that we as a couple had never flown anywhere just the two of us. Yep that one still hurts, but hay she had such a good time we scheduled a couple of days in Vegas on a road tour vacation in June. It was the last stop on the vacation before traveling home, that part of the trip was not good either(the trip home I mean). One good day out of two weeks, not bad! I did get lucky that last night, but that was after dinner, a show and three hous of Blackjack (which brings us up to eight times in the last 12 months! Woo Hoo!).

I just feel very empty now. Very, very tired. I ache to hold and be held. To desire and be desired..

I know this is just a bunch of jumbled up ramblings, but Im to a point I need support and maybe someone out there can say something that will bring some since to my confusion. Or give me the strength and courage to do what really needs to be done, no matter the cost